This week on My Antonio, my fondness and sympathy for Antonio Sabato, Jr., disappears in a wisp of smoke. Literally. The episode begins with Christi complaining at the Hilton about being in the bottom two with Autumn. She says she’s “hurt and also in shock.” What did she expect, though, when she gets so drunk during dinner she puts her bare feet on the table and then charges through the Hilton suite screaming that she’s gonna punch out Miranda? Does she think that the camera crew and the producers don’t tell Antonio what happens when he’s away?
More importantly, the girls confront Tully about her earlier claim that none of them are right for Antonio. Tully tries to dodge the question by enigmatically claiming that she didn’t want to get into each girl individually, and lamely finishing by saying that Antonio doesn’t need a party girl in his life. This is brilliantly edited to come just before a scene in which Tania and Christi do shots in the kitchen, while bitching about Tully. “My mom is younger than she is,” Tania snips. Tully does look awfully puffy. Maybe it’s the ceaseless sobbing she’s been doing.
And the next thing that happens is so infuriating that I actually found myself on the side of these drunken, scheming women. Antonio arrives at the Hilton the next morning to take Tully shoe shopping, since she hasn’t had a lot of alone time with him. First of all, every other girl has had to humiliate herself for a date with Dimples. Remember when they had to write this man they barely knew love letters? Second of all, Tully gets emotionally-charged alone time with Antonio every chance she gets, during which she usually bitches and moans about not getting alone time with him. The girls are all suitably annoyed that Antonio swoops in and takes Tully off for shoes. As Brooke points out, “You’re gonna reward Tully for all her emotional mess?” Ladies, this Italian stallion is clearly not worth it. What does his ex, Virginia Madsen, have to say about him, I wonder?
Tully, naturally, is in seventh heaven, claiming that her heart is “fluttering.” This is while they’re trying on Ed Hardy sneakers. No wonder Antonio keeps rewarding Tully—she’s a cheap date. As if shoes weren’t enough, he presents her with a footprint necklace with a tiny diamond chip in it. Ah, the return of the foot fetish hinted at in the earlier episodes!
Suddenly, the Ed Hardy trip is over and everyone is on a boat—including Antonio’s mother Yvonne. Christi is so disgusted by Tully’s earlier adventure that she dives into the water after Antonio, where she murmurs, "I want you on top of me.” Ew. Clever Brooke takes the opportunity to corner Yvonne for girl talk. “You sure you’re not ‘attracted’ to the celebrity stuff?” Yvonne asks Brooke. The misplaced air quotes are her own. Brooke vehemently denies it, saying that she’s most attracted to Antonio’s sensitivity. Yeah, taking the monstrous Tully out for an undeserved trip is definitely being sensitive to the other girls’ feelings.
Tully is, not surprisingly, annoyed that Brooke is getting along with Yvonne, fake retching for the camera during confession. My thoughts about you exactly, Tully. Brooke’s time with Yvonne ends just before Antonio tells the girls that they will have to clamber into two life boats and row to shore, where they will find a goat skull, a shovel, and the next challenge buried beneath the skull. Yes, a goat skull. Probably one of Yvonne’s victims.
The challenge turns out to be a to do list that has to be accomplished by the time Antonio comes to bring them back—in 24 hours. Christi immediately starts freaking out; Miranda worries about her nails and her period; Tully swans about in an unflattering, open-backed black swimsuit. Antonio intones that this is a “test of determination.” Frankly, I think he’s so sick of these women he’s taking some perverse delight in watching them suffer.
The first item on the list is to write Antonio’s name in rocks and sticks on the beach. Miranda isn’t interested in helping, which doesn’t prevent her from congratulating everyone—herself included—on spelling his name correctly. This whole challenge seems absurd; there’s a camera crew following them around! But Christi refuses to be comforted by the lights and cameras, preferring to shriek about not wanting this kind of life. She insists that they build a shelter away from the trees, which might be infested with goblins. Yes, goblins.
Next, they all must fashion an article of clothing out of whatever Antonio has left for them, which Tully takes to its natural extreme by wearing some strategically placed leaves held together by a string that cuts into her problem areas. But just in case the girls are having too much fun on the beach, with camera lights and a flickering bonfire providing light, Antonio arranges for the camera crew to shut their lights off—just as Miranda is about to change her tampon.
Antonio appears out of the dark to smilingly tell the girls that he would never abandon them for an entire day; he just wanted to see their teamwork. “I lived on a sailboat for three months,” he smugly tells them, which isn’t quite the same as living on Gilligan’s Island, but they let him have his moment.
After all that drama, Antonio takes them all to the lagoon the next day to hang out. Hanging out means that all the women stretch out in deck chairs, while Antonio towers above them and explains that Brooke won a day at the spa with him for remaining unfailingly cheerful. Then Tania takes a page out of Tully’s playbook and tearfully tells Antonio that she feels like they don’t spend any time together, and she doesn’t get anything back from him. Well, clearly not, Tania. There’s no way in hell you’re winning this competition. It was just a matter of getting rid of the more heinous girls first. And after she claims that Antonio doesn’t treat her the way he treats Christi or Tully. Antonio helpfully points out that everyone is different, but Tania is still annoyed at having to fight for a man. What exactly did all of these women who whine about having to compete for Antonio expect when they signed up for a VH1 reality dating show? That he’d be so blown away by their beauty and charm that he’d just cancel the show? Oh wait, that’s exactly what Tully thought.
Brooke is already shirtless and lying face down on the massage table by the time Antonio arrives. Surprise! He’ll be her masseuse. Wearing a sarong. They flirt with one another as Antonio rubs oil into her back, while the girls complain about Brooke winning the challenge by being a cheerleader. Even Christi feels it wasn’t fair, and all she did was worry about the beach goblins.
After the massage, Antonio explains to Brooke about what life with him in L.A. would be like. Apparently, it would necessitate her having a career that wouldn’t take her away from him all the time. In that case, perhaps a Playboy model might be a better fit than a nurse. And Brooke, smarty that she is, registers some trepidation about Antonio’s career: “Model-slash-actor is not the most secure profession.” Oh, snap! Antonio explains that he has the “drive of a 1,000 horses,” which comes across as sleazy after Brooke’s shirtless massage.
Then it’s time for dinner. Tania registers some insecurity about her standing after their lagoon conversation, as well she should. Oh but wait! Once again, Antonio isn’t feeding the ladies. Instead, they will have to walk across burning coals to prove their devotion to this man they barely know. And if they don’t, they’re going home. This will prove their determination and commitment, according to Dimples. Yvonne is also there, watching as some woman explains that to walk across the coals is scary, but they must harness their fear and walk like women who know exactly where they’re going. “For motivation,” Antonio says with his serious face on, “I’ll be waiting at the end of the coals.”
All the women do it, with little visible fear (though Tania cries a little beforehand). Besides, it only takes two large strides to get across, which the editors try desperately to make look much, much longer. And that shirtless conch blower is standing off to one side! I’m glad he didn’t get the shaft despite no dinner. On a sidenote, what does this challenge mean for Antonio’s foot fetish?
Too bad they all made it across, because now Antonio is sad that they’ve made his job harder. Yep, some woman just walked across burning coals for him only to be eliminated anyway. He grills all of them sternly about whatever problems they might have caused in the last two days. Brooke must once again explain her concerns about his career, which elicits and eye roll from Yvonne. Tully yammers about the importance of family, including Antonio’s, which gets another eye roll from Yvonne. Eye rolls, Yvonne? We expect more from you. Maybe she's just tired.
Antonio tells Miranda that because his life is so fast-paced, she’d have to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. “Can you get ready in 10 minutes?” he asks. “I can be ready in eight,” she calmly says. At this point, Antonio has asked all the girls to take two steps backward, leaving Tania and Christi standing in front of him. And Christi catches on quick.
“Am I on the podium?” she whimpers. Yes, she is. Luckily, Tania gets the boot this week for being unmemorable and aggressive. Or aggressively unmemorable. Either way, Christi is still in the running towards becomes America’s next Mrs. Antonio Sabato, Jr.
After Tania wishes Antonio well and hugs Brooke goodbye, Antonio tells the girls that they’ll be going horseback riding tomorrow morning—with Yvonne. Yvonne seems less than thrilled, but Tully is devastated at the prospect of a morning spent with Yvonne.
Next week, Tully falls off her horse and goes to the hospital, where they discover she’s bleeding internally. When Antonio hears this, he rushes off to see her, leaving Christi behind on what looks like a date. And guess what Christi does? Throws a wine glass across the room and later confronts Antonio for abandoning her. When will this show end?
Photo courtesy of VH1.com.
