This week's My Antonio starts at the Hilton, where the final four reminisce about the early days, when there were so many crazies crowded around their now empty table. Remember crazy Sarah, who fled in the middle of the night? Or Julann, who told Antonio to focus only on healthy people? Or Anju, who proudly said that she could never be in a monogamous relationship? Good times. Miranda is just thrilled that Antonio has seen past the “clutter,” but Christi is devastated that she was in the final two twice in a row. And now it’s time for horseback riding with Antonio's mother, Yvonne!
Yvonne is wearing a pink cowgirl hat and a shapeless lavender coat. And we finally get her in confessional! Christi has no idea how to make her horse giddyup, and can’t follow Tully’s instructions, sobbing that she had an accident before, and she’s scared. When she was seven, her horse took off and went between two trees and she’s never been on a horse since. Or something. But she stays in one piece; it’s Tully whose vigorous instructions to Christi result in an injury. Her whole arm, she claims, hurts like hell after a muscle tore? She’s vague about what happened. Still she rides along behind Yvonne and the girls, despite her pain. Only Brooke seems comfortable on her horse, cantering along happily; Christi holds the reins like they’re a dirty diaper.
They all get off at a picnic table, where Tully starts complaining about her arm again. Yvonne brushes Tully’s complaints aside to grill Miranda, who turns out to be an actress in addition to her makeup job. Under questioning, Miranda claims that she puts her makeup on in five minutes, which prompts some major eye rolling from the other girls.
Yvonne turns her attention to Brooke, who says that Antonio would have “the time of his life with her.” Tully complains about Brooke’s “agenda,” which, hello kettle? It’s the pot. And Christi feels like she’s lost her sense of silliness before repeating for the second time in five minutes, “Three strikes, I’m out.” And Tully says her main reason for being here is to explore something with Antonio, before asking Yvonne what she can do to make her less angry.
“It’s all about trust. Once you broke the trust, which you did, you lost it.” And Tully, idiot that she is, asks what she did to break that trust. Yvonne doesn’t care for that: “You took an 18 year old kid who doesn’t know anything, and you were a grown-up woman!” Miranda wisely opines that Yvonne wants Tully to apologize, which Tully will never do. Miranda is right. After all that grilling, Tully’s arm suddenly gets worse and she jumps into a car speeding to the hospital.
Back at the Hilton, Brooke calls Yvonne a pro, before Christi, Miranda and she dish Tully’s refusal to take blame for the failure of her marriage. And Christi is just hellbent on talking to Antonio about why he has put her in the bottom two twice now. Apparently, this very serious talk that she confesses to be dreading will take place while she’s wearing a bikini. Antonio has also dressed scantily for their hot tub conversation, though he confesses to the camera that he doesn’t love the idea of sharing Christi’s amazing body with Playboy’s readers.
They’re going at it pretty hot and heavy in that hot tub. “If I saw you everyday, I wouldn’t be so, like, crazy in the head,” Christi chirps to Antonio while she straddles him. That’s a sign, Antonio. Hasn’t he seen Fatal Attraction? And oh, Christi is good, because she’s still straddling him and asking if he wants to be with her. But a PA interrupts, saying that Tully has internal bleeding and is asking for Antonio. Dimples jumps out of the hot tub and runs upstairs to get dressed, while Christi starts bitching about Antonio daring to leave her alone without saying goodbye or kissing her. She throws a wineglass across the room, furious that Tully has managed to interrupt yet another date. Frankly, I wish that Yvonne had intercepted that PA, not given Antonio the message, and shown up at Tully’s bedside herself. And right now, I bet Yvonne is wishing the same thing.
Antonio’s at the hospital, where Tully’s lying in bed with a raggedy Teddy bear. Now she’s saying she tore a muscle in her abdomen? We don’t spend much time on her, switching back to Christi complaining about Antonio leaving without saying goodbye. A flashback shows us Antonio telling Christi, “I’ll keep you posted, okay?” She stupidly asks how Miranda and Brooke would react in that situation. Brooke admits she’d be disappointed but not mad as hell. And the girls agree they’re concerned but questioning.
Antonio comes back to the Hilton, and updates the girls on Tully’s condition—before Christi interrupts to bitch him out for just up and leaving her. Antonio leaves in a huff, saying he wants to forget what she just said. It sounds even crazier the more she repeats it, frankly. Tully is bleeding internally, and she can’t get over not receiving a formal goodbye? As Brooke points out, did Christi want Antonio to walk her back to the Hilton before heading to the hospital?
The next morning, Yvonne arrives to take the girls to the spa. The atmosphere is so much lighter without Tully; Yvonne admits that she’s happier without her. So are we all. At the spa, Yvonne unveils a rack of wedding dresses, telling us that this time, she’s determined to be a part of her only son’s biggest day. In confessional, she’s wearing a crazy low-cut blouse and Wilma Flintstone pearls. Christi likes her dress so much she films her confessional while wearing it, giggling that she feels like a Disney princess; Miranda is stressed out over the prospect of choosing makeup and jewelry; and Brooke is painfully bubbly. She’s starting to wear on my nerves.
Miranda thinks that weddings are for girls who feel the need to be a star. That category certainly doesn’t apply to the women on this VH1 reality show. Miranda also claims that a designer gown would make the experience better. A spa worker says she thought another girl would be coming, which raises an interesting point—was Tully actually going to get fake married to Antonio? Wouldn’t that send her completely over the edge?
Antonio is lounging around his apartment shirtless, flipping through a book (as one does) when Yvonne comes in with his tuxedo, telling him it’s time to get ready for a formal event with the ladies. Antonio has no idea he’s about to walk in to his own weddings, but he quickly acquiesces to Yvonne, opening a brand new box of CK underwear.
At the spa again, Yvonne tells the girls to take an hour to write their wedding vows, before eavesdropping on Christi saying that she doesn’t want to do it. She confesses that she won’t write vows unless it’s her real wedding day. Of course, she’s saying this in a wedding gown.
Yvonne and Antonio walk down an outdoor staircase, where Antonio can’t comprehend what’s happening. But once he catches on, the shirtless conch blower blows and Antonio greets a sarong-clad priest. And then here comes Brooke, in her wedding gown, taking Antonio’s breath away. Either the wind or a very strong machine is blowing Brooke’s veil and dress very fetchingly. The minister blathers on hearts getting stronger and Antonio and Brooke rub noses in between fits of the giggles. Antonio is flabbergasted that Brooke has written vows. She starts off talking about his kids, before promising to bring him joy and happiness and laughter, “making music and living life like a love song all the while we dance.” What a bizarre show this is.
Antonio claims that Miranda looks like Marilyn Monroe in her dress. Maybe Marilyn towards the end. That wind isn’t doing her any favors. She claims that she’d marry Antonio right that minute if he asked. Time for her vows! She’s breathless and gushing a little bit, which isn’t a cute look on her. As a sidenote, it’s so nice to see Antonio in clothes for once. He really is a handsome man.
Miranda is still bubbling on about being ready for Antonio, reminding him of her zipline triumph. The minister asks Antonio for the second time if he had any vows, and Antonio is getting a little annoyed that he has no idea what’s happening. Miranda, who claims that she knows the wedding isn’t real, says she’ll remember it for the rest of her life.
As Christi walks down the aisle, she promises in confession that she’s gonna get into things during her vows. “Because this isn’t my real day, I didn’t write vows,” she tells Antonio. They’re sacred to her. Then she goes on to say what she would be saying if this was their real day. During these vows, Miranda and Brooke look at one another and whisper, “Antonio looks uncomfortable.” And then bam! The minister asks if there are any objections and Yvonne stands up. “I object,” she almost snarls. Except even her snarls have a smirk about them. Christi is stunned.
And Yvonne tells Antonio that she asked Christi to spy on Tully and the other girls, and that Christi has been feeding her information all this time! Everyone is shocked and open-jawed. And in confession, Yvonne is delighted about the coup she just pulled. Antonio asks Christi if she really planned against the other ladies. The music is really revving up as flashbacks of Christi tattling mount. Christi can’t dig herself out of her hole.
She chooses this point to press her point about Antonio leaving her without saying goodbye. Bad move, girl. Because now, Antonio has just kicked you off the show in a wedding gown! She has to walk back up the aisle alone, her skirts billowing around her. Christi is bitter because she’s never been dumped before. Antonio is happy that Yvonne set this test up for him. Of course Yvonne gets off scot-free for setting up this convoluted sting operation, which, I have to admit, resulted in a pretty kick-ass revelation. I really do think Yvonne is a long lost Dynasty character. Who else waits until her son’s wedding to reveal a damning secret about his bride-to-be?
Antonio is back at the hospital with Tully, who looks terrible sans makeup. He’s still in his tuxedo, telling Tully about the weddings and sending Christi home. Ugh, all this wedding talk is taking him back to their Vegas quickie. He’s really sweeping her off her feet, with a necklace, a lei, and a slice of wedding cake. Tully says her doctor has warned her not to lift anything over 10 pounds. What about her abdominal surgery? Regardless, next week Yvonne confronts her in the hospital, warning her that she knows “all your dirty secrets.” It looks like next week will be the finale. What wild and crazy ride this has been! Which of the three do you think will win?
Photo courtesy of VH1.com.
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