Antonio opens this episode himself, saying it’s going to be tough to choose between Brooke, Miranda and Tully. Really, Antonio? Choosing the top two girls out of that trio is tough? Then he and Brooke are jumping into a speedboat and crashing through the waves. It’s a recycled date, really: the open water version of Antonio’s rough terrain jeep date with Tania. Then they’re paddling along on boards, which seems silly and boring. But Antonio feels that he’s falling for Brooke because she’s beautiful and funny. Frankly, I’m tired of her Pollyanna attitude.
Miranda is pleased that she got the later date with Antonio because she’s a night owl. So she does her morning routine and gets to do her “angel reading.” Angel readings, according to my cursory research, seem like fancy Magic 8 ball fortunes. “Your victory is inevitable in this situation,” Miranda reads aloud smugly. So sayeth the angels, I guess.
Brooke and Antonio are still swimming around. Other people’s dates are so boring to watch. But Antonio grows tired of the water, and they start talking about their connection while getting very touchy-feely. He says Brooke’s eyes really got to him, along with her smile and her cheerful attitude. Trust me, Antonio, all of those things get old really fast. I loved Brooke, too, but now I want someone who’s not so relentlessly chipper.
Brooke fills Miranda in on her date as they pass one another in the hallway of the Hilton. Miranda is not impressed, telling the camera that the date sounds like Antonio either knows Brooke really well or just didn’t want to talk to her. In confession, Miranda bitches about Brooke’s good time with frazzled hair and smeared eye makeup. I hope that’s not how she looks on her date. Finally unable to take Brooke anymore, Miranda abruptly says, “Gotta roll” and heads out the door. Me too, girl.
Antonio is taking Miranda on another helicopter ride. He claims he can see himself always laughing and having a good time with her, which is hard to buy based on what we’ve seen of this high-maintenance makeup artist.
Miranda is still not over her fear of heights, and clamps tightly on to Antonio’s bicep in the helicopter. The date seems less like getting to know one another and more like Antonio testing Miranda’s resolve to tolerate whatever he throws at her. She’s coy in confessional; the result is something akin to seeing your grandmother naked.
Ooh, Yvonne is stalking through hospital hallways to visit Tully. Tully tells her that the doctor said her bleeding had stopped that morning. I didn’t know internal bleeding just suddenly stopped. Yvonne brushes Tully’s complaints aside, and warns her that Antonio won’t want her back just because she’s sick. “I know all your dirty secrets,” Yvonne says. “He would be much happier with Brooke or Miranda. You are not getting him back at all. You lost him.” And then Tully is suddenly alone in her room again, as if the whole visit were a nightmare.
Back on Miranda’s date, she and Antonio are talking about how brave he’s made her before she brags that she makes the best meat loaf ever, in slippers and an apron. She also alerts Antonio that she cleans naked. Antonio tells her that his place is a disaster. This convinces Miranda that she’s falling for him.
Then Antonio blindfolds her and says they’re going to play “What is this taste.” Yet another chance for him to test her dedication. The first taste is, of course, a kiss. Then they move on to strawberries (complete with disgusting moist moans from Miranda), mango, grape, banana, tangerine, and oyster. Every round ends with more kissing, presumably as a palate cleanser.
“What do you want from me?” Antonio asks Miranda. “I want to be your girl,” she coos. I feel sick. Is this how people act? Really? When Miranda comes back to the Hilton, Brooke is reading on the couch. Miranda starts recapping her date, which, in her telling, sounds a helluva lot better than Brooke’s more athletic one. Brooke doesn’t care for kissing Antonio all morning before he shoves his tongue down Miranda’s throat all night. Miranda is giddy. “I think I’m falling in love with him,” she says. Sure. I mean, you’ve had one previous date with this man, but good for you, Miranda! Apparently, fear gets you hot.
Freed from the hospital, Tully joins Antonio in a white stretch limo for their time together. Tully’s worried that her physical handicaps will get her kicked off because she can’t swim or run or climb mountains for Antonio at the moment. He doesn’t care; he’s just impressed with the new Tully he’s been seeing.
Ugh, he delivers Tully back to the Hilton. And Brooke is pissed. Tully bursts into tears when she sees Miranda again. I think they’re happy tears? And it could not be more awkward when Antonio kisses Tully goodbye in front of Miranda and Brooke. The latter wastes no time telling Tully about their dates with Antonio. She smiles awkwardly. She doesn’t care; Antonio’s coming back for her soon.
They’re having a picnic overlooking the water, and Antonio is wearing a pink V-neck t-shirt that’s cut down almost to his navel. Tully is wearing more fabric, but her top matches his. Aw! Tully says she needs to make peace with Yvonne to make Antonio happy, but draws the line at apologizing for marrying him when she could never regret it. Now Antonio is crying, over someone he hasn’t seen in almost 20 years. Sack up, Antonio. Tully is not worth it. Their relationship sometimes feels like a really terrible country song.
And no sooner do I type that then Tully says, “I love you. I will always love you.” Well hello, Dolly. And then they’re making out. But Antonio pulls away. “I’m a mess,” he says. He’s just really feeling things, guys. And he can’t process all of those emotions. By which I guess he means feeling happy and sad at the same time. So he gets up and leaves Tully alone with the untouched picnic basket. She freaks out about why he left in confession. I hate her so much.
Dinner’s on! Antonio and Yvonne are talking in Italian, arguing over whether there are two or three girls left. “Two,” Yvonne says firmly. “And one who’s not worth anything.” And the girls seem to prove Yvonne right, since only Miranda and Brooke arrive. No one knows where Tully is. But wait! The shirtless conch blower is escorting Tully to dinner. And Tully is in the wedding gown she didn’t get to wear in the last episode. Bitch is crazy!
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Tully tells the camera. Miranda tells us she’s embarrassed for Tully. Antonio says, “Are you kidding me? That incredible special moment we had today, and now this?” And oh my god, she’s forcing pictures of their original wedding down Antonio’s throat. This is mortifying. Or would be, if I liked Tully.
Antonio says he’s an emotional wreck, seeing all of these old pictures and their marriage license. And Tully is making a truly pathetic plea to recreate the past. It doesn’t work: none of the girls get a lei this week. Antonio says he cares deeply for all three girls, but he still has to send one home. “This will be the hardest decision I will have to make,” he says. Uh, what about choosing between the final two? I guess Antonio’s a live-in-the-moment kinda guy.
“If you care for me like you told me,” he says firmly to Miranda, “then tell me. Is Tully or Brooke best for me?” She neatly dodges the question by saying that no matter what, Tully will always be in his life and rekindling what they had is for him to decide. Dimples tells her to step forward, and she gets lei’d. Looks like her angel reading was dead-on!
Antonio turns his attention to Brooke, who says she doesn’t have a trump card in the shape of old photo albums and faded marriage licenses. And then there’s Tully, who warns Antonio he can’t run away from her. And remember, she says this in a wedding gown.
Antonio grimaces, and tells Brooke to step forward. YES! Antonio chose her! Tully got kicked off in a wedding gown! The second girl to so leave on this show, I might add. Antonio tells her he’s not a kid anymore, but Tully is crying too hard to care. “Don’t say goodbye,” she tells him tearfully. “Say ‘ciao.’” Did she borrow Yvonne’s writer?
“Tully’s leaving,” Antonio tells Miranda and Brooke. Well, yeah, Antonio. They were three feet away when it happened. Yvonne hugs Tully goodbye and wishes her luck, munificent in her victory. Watching her walk away with her train trailing in the dirt is hilarious, as are her terrible attempts at pathos. Posing dramatically on the dock and putting one hand to Antonio’s cheek? Really? And she goes for broke with her handkerchief in confession.
Next week, Antonio freaks out when Brooke says that if he were to date both she and Miranda at the same time, she’d date someone else, too. I can’t believe I’m rooting for someone to win him in this competition.
Photo courtesy of VH1.
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