Well, it’s been a wild crazy ride—almost like a zip line into an abyss. But now we’ve reached the end of My Antonio, and someone has to win. I don’t know who it will be, but I do know that it’s definitely not any of us viewers. Particularly those who spend way too long obsessively recapping every episode. On to the recap!
“And then there were two,” Brooke says as she and Miranda return to the Hilton. These girls seem awkward together. Brooke thinks Tully leaving was sad. Miranda says in confession that she thinks Brooke is: “chatty, yappy, sickeningly sweet as a slice of Mississippi mud pie, and I just don’t think she’s right for Antonio.” Ouch. They head off to bed.
Antonio wakes them up like a drill sergeant at 6 a.m. Is this what life will be like with him? Dragging them out of bed for early morning photo shoots? Oh yeah, Miranda, who complained that Antonio didn’t bring her cuticle oil in the first episode, has to model for Antonio sans makeup with morning breath. Suddenly, the suite at the Hilton has a backdrop with a chair draped with a shawl and a vase with flowers. Where did that come from? Brooke is uncomfortable watching Miranda and Dimples flirt and kiss in front of her, and chugs coffee while she sits in the chair. Miranda cattily says that Brooke doesn’t want anyone to see any sort of character flaw. Really, Miranda? How much makeup do you wear every day?
Antonio says that Brooke is guarded, and not as comfortable in the situation as Miranda, because Miranda is whatever goes. Huh? She sobbed hysterically on the zipline!
Ooh, and now Antonio is giving the girls 10 minutes to get ready because his life is “spontaneous.” Apparently, when you date Antonio, you are entirely subjected to what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Am I really rooting for someone to win this competition?
So the girls head to the bathroom, and Miranda explains her insane regime in confessional. Lotions and ointments are involved. At the end of 10 minutes, Brooke is dressed and looking lovely. Miranda is still in her robe. Antonio claims to be amused by it in confession, but he does a pretty good impression of sulking on the couch. Miranda says that when she goes out of order with her routine, she gets confused.
And ew. Now the three of them are sitting side by side in a hot tub. Brooke says she and Miranda decided Antonio could date them both. He asks that if he were dating both of them, would they date someone else? Brooke answers yes without hesitation. And Antonio doesn’t like that, and says he would never date two people at the same time. The whole thing was a trick! Gotcha!
“Brooke is very distant,” Antonio says. Why wouldn’t she be when Miranda has her legs entwined with Antonio’s? He also seems to think that Miranda is happy wherever she is. Has he even been paying attention?
They’re all back on a helicopter for the final date. “Life, to me, is about really being in the moment as one,” Antonio says. What part of dating in Hawaii sets anyone up for real life with one another? Needless to say, scaredy-cat Miranda hates the helicopter tour of the island, which I have to say is pretty spectacular. Waterfalls! Lava! That being said, this show has cured me of any desire to visit Hawaii. In fact, this show has cured me of many desires.
Brooke keeps cheering Miranda on, but her claustrophobia is the worst she’s ever had, Miranda claims. So she snuggles in closer to Antonio. Yeah, that’s what I like to do during claustrophobia attacks, too.
“I can’t be frustrated with Miranda,” Antonio says. Actually, yes, you can be. This is her third trip in a helicopter. She also looks ragged afterward. And Antonio has finally realized that he’s left with another “humongous” decision.
Back at the Hilton, Miranda curls into the fetal position on the couch, whining about how she couldn’t enjoy anything. She’s a mess, and the lei ceremony is coming up! So the girls start packing, and Miranda keeps saying, “Pull it together. Pull it together.” My words exactly. Miranda also finds time to say, “I didn’t want to be there with Brooke.” Yeah, because Brooke had so much fun with you, Sad Sue.
Yvonne is asking Antonio how it went, and he says Miranda was a mess and Brooke was a trouper. But Antonio doesn’t want Yvonne’s opinion this time, so he sends her away after refusing to hear who she would choose. Hey, VH1? Give Yvonne her own show. Make Yvonne the new Miss Manners!
Miranda and Brooke don’t even get a last meal; they stand, holding hands and waiting for Antonio, whose arrival is heralded by the shirtless conch blower. I’m gonna miss him. Antonio didn’t expect to meet two exceptional, wonderful and unique women. One wonders whom he did expect to meet on his search for true love.
Brooke and Miranda babble on about the moments they cherish with Antonio. Miranda claims that Antonio “freed” her from herself, because sometimes she’s a recluse. Like Garbo. Wow, Miranda is really playing up the wounded bird strategy in the final moments.
Except wait! There’s no lei ceremony yet, because there are only two girls and not enough filler to make a full hour. So now we get some badly acted, clearly producer-driven manipulation as Antonio claims to need more time. Why couldn’t the show end in 30 minutes and then give us half an hour of reunion?
I just want to say, as a sidenote, that the reason I started watching
this show was because it seemed unpredictable. Antonio rid himself of
three girls in the premiere! But increasingly over the last four
episodes, the hands of the producers have become more apparent and My
Antonio has turned into every other reality dating show. (Especially
since I just discovered that Brooke is a nurse/actress/model who lives
in L.A. Hardly the Georgia peach she’s been positioned as.)
The girls are pissed that Antonio still can’t choose between the two of them. At this moment, I could care less who wins. Just end my damn suffering! Er, their suffering. Miranda and Brooke call bullshit, because they just want a man who can make a decision. I just noticed that Miranda’s dress looks like a slip. Did she run out of time getting ready, again?
Miranda is totally, secretly excited about getting more time to win Antonio over. And after a good night’s sleep, Brooke is back to her usual, cheerful self. She says that she and Miranda are apples and oranges; Miranda says Brooke is an apple, and she’s a guava. There’s really no need for bitchiness at this point, is there? You’re at the finish line!
Antonio arrives to have more talks with the girls. Never before has anyone ever talked so much to land a relationship. Brooke gets one-on-one time with Dimples in a hammock. The same hammock, as someone at my finale viewing party pointed out, that Antonio took Tully on their date.
While lounging, Antonio calls Brooke out on hiding behind laughter. There are worse things to hide behind. Remember Christi, spying on everyone? Brooke and Antonio look cute together, until Brooke brings up a contract about continuity, exclusivity, and longevity. Brooke explains that she doesn’t want a monogamous relationship: she wants a commitment! Antonio is stunned in confessional. He can’t even speak! For once, Antonio and I agree.
When he finds his tongue (probably left in Christi's mouth), Antonio is horrified by Brooke’s talk of contracts. He thinks it’s an ultimatum. Brooke says it’s not. She should really know better than to come across as aggressive with Antonio. See: Tania, Julann, Christi, Jennifer.
Brooke tells Miranda about belly flopping, and Miranda awesomely looks over at the camera in disbelief several times. At least, I think it's disbelief. It's as if she vowed to not remove any of her eye makeup until Antonio chose, and just keeps slathering it on every day. She thinks she’s making all the right moves to get to the podium. Well, after Brooke’s loss of sanity, that seems increasingly likely. I wonder if that Brooke, who talks about “relationship contracts,” is the real Brooke, cleverly concealed behind editing and the oversized personalities around her?
During their conversation, Miranda and Antonio talk about the copter ride and how Miranda makes him laugh. She doesn’t make him laugh when she asks why the choice is so hard for him. Part of it is the opposite coasts thing, he says. Miranda counters by saying that she would move to L.A. in a heartbeat. Finding an apartment on the ground floor would probably be a lot easier in L.A. than in NYC. Hey, Miranda! I live in NYC, too. Before you move, let’s get coffee.
Now we’re at a daytime lei ceremony on a cliff, opposite some rocky terrain on which “Brooke” and “Miranda” have been written out in white rocks. I really hope that a swarm of men, led by the shirtless conch blower, swoop down there to remove the loser’s name when Antonio makes his decision. The shirtless conch blower announces Antonio’s arrival two feet away from the girls, and then Antonio reminds us that “Aloha” can mean many things, including mercy. Please, be merciful and end this show. Miranda explains that before she’d even heard of the show, she saw Heather Locklear frolicking on the shores of Hawaii in Lifetime TV movie Flirting with Forty (a really great movie that I highly recommend, btw). And then she heard about the show, and forced herself to leave Manhattan for an adventure. Wow, you managed to leave NYC for a paid vacation in Hawaii. Congratulations.
Antonio tells Brooke that she came in with a happy-go-lucky, carefree attitude and they clicked big time. “There’s no denying that, is there?” he says, almost accusingly. No, Brooke demurs. There’s not. Then Antonio runs through a string of complimentary adjectives to describe Brooke. And another string for Miranda, with no repeats! Good for him.
“You’ve always kept your hearts open to me,” Antonio says. “And that’s something I will never forget.” Well, I will. But Antonio’s absolutely ready to make his decision. Yes! Just choose! I no longer have anything invested in this show. And what kind of season finale is it without Yvonne? Or Tully, popping in again for one last shot? Actually, if there’s a second season of My Antonio, I really hope Tully comes back unannounced and gives that same opening speech of hers again.
Antonio asks Miranda to step forward, telling her that she’s the most incredible woman. But… not for him. That’s right! He wants the less incredible Brooke to be his submissive girlfriend! Miranda wishes Antonio happiness, and then claims in confession that if she was in L.A. or he was in NYC, they’d get along and date. Well, yeah. You’ve been doing that. And now, Brooke and Antonio make out on a cliff for the final two minutes of the show. Brooke is a little giddy in confession about winning. Good for her, I guess. Antonio says that he saw through that contract talk as just her fears being expressed, and can't wait to start on their journey.
P.S. Brooke told an interviewer over at vh1.com today that she and Antonio haven't spoken in about three months. The search for Mrs. Antonio Sabato, Jr., continues... Without me, I hasten to add.
Ciao bellas!
Photo courtesy of VH1.com.
