As the girls file into the dressing room, they all see the note Shangela left in lipstick on the mirror after being told to sashay away, which Tyra almost immediately wipes off before claiming Shangela’s spot as her own. This, children, is what is known as foreshadowing.
Today’s mini-challenge is a makeover, Ru tells the girls. They’re going to work in teams of two and transform a RuPaul doll into a busted hooker. Well, teams of two except Mystique. She works alone because there’s an odd number of contestants. And no one else wanted to work with her.
Tyra, proving that lipstick episode correct, grabs all of the fabric for her and Tatianna after RuPaul gives them the go ahead. The rest make do with scraps and whatever else they can snatch before Tyra spots it. As the girls work, we find out that, like Tyra, Nicole also has a son. Go figure.
But Tyra’s machinations aren’t a match for talent, and Pandora and Sahara win with their truly spectacular doll, named Shafreeforal. “She’s got one tooth missing!” Ru exclaims. “That’s OK, girl.” As winners of the challenge, Pandora and Sahara are team leaders for the big stripper challenge, inspired by Ru’s feature film Starrbooty. They set about picking their teams, leaving Nicole Paige Brooks for last. I’m sorry, Nicole Paige Brooks from Atlanta, Georgia, for last. Raven wisely opines that, “Nicole was picked last because this is a sexy contest and she’s not sexy.”
Almost immediately, Tyra starts making Sahara wish she hadn’t chosen her. Even Mystique is tired of Tyra’s bullshit, especially when Tyra tells Pandora in front of her teammates that she wishes Pandora had chosen her.
Ru brings in Anne-Marie and Blue to teach the girls some stripper moves on a pole. Raven, never one to let a topic drop, says that, “Nicole cannot bring sexy back.” She’s beating a dead horse, but girl has a point. All the girls give the pole a shot, and Nicole is kinda embarrassing. But Tyra flat out refuses to try, claiming that she learns by watching, not doing. Well, someone in the world has to, I guess.
Really, Tyra’s problem is that the pole makes her feel like a whore, and she’s all about being a lady. Remember her Gone with the Wind photo shoot, when she was worried about keeping her legs closed? “Pole dancing is kind of a little ho-ish,” Tyra huffs. OK then.
Tyra also refuses to rehearse her team’s choreography, in or out of heels. Everyone else is giving it their best shot, but she just stands with her arms crossed, watching. And zing! Mystique is the first contestant of the season to utter the phrase as old as reality competitions: “We’re not here to make friends.” Which is patently obvious, since the two teams seem out for one another’s blood after Pandora’s team takes some fabric that Sahara’s team wasn’t planning to use. Well, just because they weren’t planning on using it doesn’t mean that they want the other team to have it.
When Ru comes in, Tyra is napping on a couch. “Don’t wake her up,” Jujubee tells Ru. “She’ll scream.” But Ru wakes her up anyway (it takes a while), and Tyra, to her credit, seems slightly abashed in confession that Ru caught her napping. But she gets defensive, and tells Ru that her work is done; she sewed her costume in five minutes and if the other girls are still working, that’s their problem. Team playing does not seem to be in Tyra’s bag of tricks.
Ru tells the girls that she’s taking them on a field trip to Dragonfly, where they’ll perform for men, along with guest judges Kim Coles and Dita von Teese. Dita looks even less capable of facial movement than usual. I wonder how much pancake makeup she goes through in a day.
One team has to work the stage, while the other works the streets selling gift certificates for cherry pies. Pandora’s team takes to the stage first, and Sonique is fierce. It’s raining dollar bills on her like a rainstorm. Pandora looks fab; Nicole looks awkward but has a good time doing it.
When the teams switch places, Tatianna is worried by her teammates’ attitudes. “I’m sweet in the streets and freak in the sheets,” she says. But Sonique comes across as rude, Raven is just standing there, and no one seems to be selling any damn certificates.
On the stage, Sahara’s team is fabulous. Tyra claims all of their bitching and nagging has paid off. Whose bitching and nagging, Tyra? You mean yours? Mystique pulls out her splits again, and Ru’s jaw drops along with her when she jumps into the air. Jujubee, wisely aware that she can’t dance, opts instead for sexual and liberally applies lip-gloss. I hate to admit it, but they seem more together than Pandora’s team.
Back in the dressing room, a framed picture of Nicole’s drag mother has gone missing. This, children, is what is known as a red herring, because we never hear another thing about it. Instead, Jujubee and Pandora talk about their fathers. “My dad was just diagnosed with cancer,” Pandora tells Jujubee, who replies that her father just died of lung cancer. I’m sure she didn’t mean it to come across as a game of one upsmanship, but boy, did it.
Runway show time! Ru comes out and does her walk in a form-fitting gown that looks as if someone sewed all of the cause ribbons that celebrities wear on awards shows onto a black gown. I wonder if Santino designs any of her dresses? Probably not.
In the high fashion runway show, Jessica Wild gives great face but her dress looks like a toilet paper cozy. Raven is giving us “Cher 2010,” according to Kim Coles. Sahara looks like Diana Ross in a big wig and blue sequins. Jujubee claims to feel like Eartha Kitt but looks more like Imelda Marcos. The judges gush over how womanly Nicole looks, but all I’m getting from her dangly dress is Morticia Addams after an unfortunate encounter with a weed-whacker. And Ru says that Mystique, who looks like Aretha Franklin, could eat Beyonce in one swallow. Monique opted out of a dress and into a cute houndstooth business suit (very Roz Russell in His Girl Friday), and Kim seems to like Tyra’s “nappy pompadour.” And Tatianna says she wanted to give us “Rihanna goes to the prom.” An “A” for effort, Tatianna. An “A” for effort. And since when did Rihanna turn into a drag inspiration? Tura name checked her last week, too. Why isn't anyone giving us Beyonce? Or, even better, Kelly Clarkson? Ha! Can you imagine a Kelly drag queen? I can, and she's fierce!
Sahara’s team are the winners of the challenge, which annoyingly keeps Tyra free from elimination. When the judges take Pandora’s team to task, no one likes Pandora’s dress. Kim says the bands of fabric make her think of duct tape. And when Ru calls Sonique out on being rude to people on the street, Sonique claims she was doing exactly what Ru would have. “I do sassy, not bitchy,” Ru says icily. Snap.
Since she has immunity, Ru asks Monique who should go home. Tatianna, she says, because she has the least experience. Tatianna wimpily says Monique when Ru asks her who should go home, because Monique has immunity. Ru snaps back, “That’s an answer for Miss America, not RuPaul’s Drag Race!” So Tatianna changes her answer to all of them. Still a cop-out, but at least a more interesting cop-out. Unfortunately for Tatianna, both Sonique and Raven say she should go home, too.
The judges are dismayingly dull after sending the girls into the Interior Illusions lounge, except when Merle says that Pandora “may not give great ass, but she gives great sass.” Yay! I’m definitely rooting for Pandora.
Once they’ve reached a decision, the girls come back in. Tatianna is safe, but Ru cautions her to sharpen her claws. And Raven and Nicole Paige Brooks must now (say it with me!) lip sync for their lives to an En Vogue song. Nicole, bless her, is trying, but she’s just not good enough. Raven pulls out all the stops without going over-the-top crazy (at one point, she pats her face dry with a falsie), and is clearly the one to stay. Nicole, however, must sashay away.
I hesitate to even bring up Untucked, because the whole backstage drama is so boring and unnecessary, but suffice to say that Tyra really is a raging bitch. And she’s fine with being called a bitch, she tells Jujubee, just as long as everyone puts a “Miss” before it. Miss Bitch it is, then, Tyra. Luckily, Sahara and Jujubee separate from the rest of their team, during which time we learn that Jujubee does a dead-on Miss Bitch impression, and Sahara is as capable of throwing shade as the rest of the girls. “The next drag superstar shouldn’t be a lazy bitch,” Jujubee says. “With a lazy tongue,” Sahara cattily adds. And it’s true! Miss Bitch seems so bored she can’t even find the energy to open her mouth, even to diss Sahara with “She’s a professional dancer, not a professional drag queen.”
Pandora’s team, meanwhile, is trying to convince Tatianna that it was nothing personal. But she’s only done seven shows in drag, and they just don’t consider her worthy as a competitor. They’re trying to make her feel better, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I have to admit, they kind of have a point. She's only done seven shows? Not that it matters. Nicole (who tells Sonique that her tone comes across as rude) is the one who hits the road back to Atlanta, Georgia. I wonder if she adds her city and state when she introduces herself there, too.
Next week, Kathy Najimy and Tanya Tucker guest judge. Is RuPaul just fucking with us now? I can’t wait for the inevitable Kirstie Alley and Suzanne Somers episode.
Photo by Mathu Andersen.
