I don’t know about you, but I really enjoyed our week off from RuPaul’s Drag Race. A Monday night without needless, grade school-level drama? Bliss!

But we’re back again this week, watching the men get dressed before heading out to the studio. Morgan says it was tough going against Sonique last week. But Tatianna is thrilled that Sonique is gone and volunteers to remove her lipsticked goodbye. “I won, and she got sent home,” Tatianna says smugly in confession, before taking her time to wipe down the mirror.

She-Mail! To prove to RuPaul that they’re the next drag superstar, the dolls will have to decorate a plain cardboard box with gift wrap and one thing that belongs to someone else. Speaking of grade school level! Will they have to give one another Valentine’s Day cards, too? Raven wins with a dark and dreary box that RuPaul calls “Edgar Allen Poe.”
Having so decreed, RuPaul insists that the girls open their boxes. Bye bye hard work. Inside the boxes are wedding invites! To their own weddings, where they will be marrying themselves. Of course, they’re expected to customize their own dresses, while pulling together their man drag.

Since Raven won the mini-challenge, she gets first dibs on dresses (courtesy of RK Bridal, a plug that makes me wonder if RK Bridal really knows its demographic). Despite Jujubee helping Raven win, Raven picks Morgan to choose next. Jujubee says, “That was a mistake!” Luckily, Raven chooses Jujubee to go third. Tatianna is last, because Raven is “jealous,” she snips. Get over yourself, you snotty cunt.

Miss Bitch blocks the fabric table by shoving the wedding dress rolling rack in front of it, then Tatianna pushes the rack on top of the girls. Is it too much to hope for a double elimination this week?

Might I add that, due to some technical difficulties this week, I was forced to watch this episode online, where the Absolut commercials get full reign. At least they cut out the bartender banter online. But I really hate those damn things. Why are they all so awkward and stiff?

Jujubee is annoyed that Morgan and Raven always choose one another when they have to pick someone. I don’t really get why. I mean, they’re friends. And this is a competition. Or isn’t it? Just shut up and do your best job, bitches.
Mathu Andersen, “make-up artist extraordinaire,” will help the ladies with their makeup. He also takes the photos for the episodes every week, by the way. Mathu tells Morgan he needs to finesse her makeup, which can look a little “Magic Marker.” Pandora, who is doing a complete overhaul of her dress, is thrilled that Mathu gets her Goldie Hawn homage. Mathu then goes on to tell Jessica that, “Sometimes your face worries me.”

Sahara has taken on a lot of remodeling on her dress. Mathu tells Tatianna that her makeup is all over the place. She looks shocked at the news. Jujubee is hauling out the jewels when Mathu tells her that he wants to see natural makeup that isn’t natural but looks natural. Once again, are we supposed to pick a winner based on who looks most like a woman? This show is annoying.

The extra special guest judge this week? Martha Wash. Yes, Martha Wash is supposed to be a better judge of drag queens than Lady Bunny would be. Great choice once again, producers and RuPaul.

All of the dolls are getting into their boy drag, which is making them all slightly uncomfortable. What’s hilarious is that they’re all dressed in boy drag in confession while they talk about it. Oh, and Miss Bitch was pissed that other girls thought to draw on facial hair. Because she’s the only drag queen ever who thought to do that to look more masculine.
Morgan looks like Avril Lavigne in boy drag. He says he was going for punk rocker, so I guess that’s a win? Sahara looks good in a uniform. Jessica smiles in his boy drag picture, because if he could marry Jessica Wild, he’d be happy. Pandora comes out dressed as a police officer, saying he feels like a drag king. Jujubee looks very cute in his little suit! (And yes, I know that my gender pronouns are all over the place this week.)

Raven says she’ll never get married, because she’s a “bitter bitch.” Morgan is in a relationship, so she takes the opportunity to stump for gay marriage in confession. Miss Bitch starts singing while the girls talk about gay rights. Sahara wonders if her mother could accept a gay marriage, since she’s a minister. And oh my God, Miss Bitch is wailing like a dog that’s been hit by a truck, while twirling around the studio. Tatianna has had enough!

She tries to get the other girls to admit that they want Miss Bitch to get kicked off. They won’t play ball, although both Jujubee and Sahara have hated Miss Bitch for weeks. As have we all, girls. As have we all.

While they’re putting the finishing touches on their dresses, Morgan muses to Raven that Sahara will be lip-syncing for her life this week. And damn, Sahara’s gonna walk down the runway en pointe! Miss Bitch, meanwhile, is screaming shrilly while hot-gluing pieces of lace to her wrists and legs. She may be as dumb as she is bitchy.

On the runway, Ru is wearing a gown that doesn’t require an enormous wig to balance it out! Which is not to say that she didn’t don an enormous wig, just that the dress doesn’t need it.

Sahara comes out first. Very Swan Lake! Morgan’s dress looks like a powder puff; Miss Bitch is hardcore ’80s with birds-nest hair; Raven looks strangely innocent; Jessica gets her makeup right for once, which thrills Mathu. Tatianna has a slit up the center of her skirt, and says she hates and loves her dress. Pandora also took Mathu’s advice, which pleases him to no end. And Juju’s dress looks really lovely.

The wedding portraits are unveiled. The pictures are all kind of adorable! The judges think Jessica’s dress is too ruffly. Santino actually likes Pandora’s picture, especially when she explains that she has to marry the cop to stay out of jail. But Martha says she’d rather do the time. Miss Bitch says her bouquet came from her last husband’s funeral. Mathu calls her an old-school drag queen but fresh and new. Santino hates Tatianna’s dress, and Mathu calls it a Xana-don’t. Martha thought Sahara’s presentation was fabulous, but the judges agree that the dress loses its luster when she’s not en pointe. Raven says her husband is 36, and she’s going on 15. Merle compliments Raven for coming across as girly, but still packing a wallop. It’s under the dress, Raven quips. Ru loves Morgan’s hooker white pumps.

Uh-oh, Ru asks the girls what the judges are not seeing backstage. Tatianna immediately volunteers that Miss Bitch is a total bitch. Pandora speaks up to agree, telling the panel about Miss Bitch singing. Miss Bitch speaks up about Tatianna talking shit behind people’s backs. Tatianna snaps back that Miss Bitch shouldn’t play the victim card, because it doesn’t suit her. Raven and Morgan admit, after being asked by Miss Bitch, that she just has a goal. But Jujubee tells Miss Bitch that she needs to get some manners so she doesn’t look so damn stupid. YES!

After the girls go into the Interior Illusions lounge, Merle says that the dress drowned Jujubee. Martha says that Pandora dissolved into her dress. Santino said that Jessica’s dress was a little Quinceanera. Martha was blown away by Miss Bitch, but Merle says that her attitude sucks, and if it were up to her this week, she’d vote her off. No one liked Sahara’s dress, but they loved loved loved Raven’s outfit.

Based on the challenge and the presentation, Ru has made some decisions. Well, that’s her job. Miss Bitch actually won the challenge, winning immunity and a five night villa vacation at the Hyatt Palm Springs, which prompts her to sob into Jessica’s arms. Ru tells Tatianna that her bride could have been left at the altar, but she has immunity this week and is safe. Instead, Sahara and Morgan must lip sync for their lives to Martha Wash’s “Carry On.” As if that weren’t pressure enough, Rut tells them that the song meant a lot to her when her mother was dying.

Sahara does a shitload of splits, at one point jumping off the runway and landing in one, which is why she wins. Morgan must sashay away, told to take strength from the words of Martha’s song. Raven is so devastated that she can’t even look at Morgan as she walks away. Morgan claims she’s happy with herself, and that’s good enough. Poor Morgan. She didn’t deserve to leave so soon.

I couldn’t bring myself to watch the squabbling backstage in Untucked this week. Did I miss anything spectacular?