Dirty Sanchez Gives In, Mentions Jennifer Lopez' Booty

Slumbering Sanchez dreamedof himself and Princess Leia trapped in something that felt like a fleshycocoon! Panicking Sanchez at first thought he was buried alive with a girl thatnot only had her breasts taped down but had witnessed both the destruction ofher home planet and Paul Simon naked and wigless! Then Sanchez noticed a pinpointof light in the distance and crawled toward it. When finally he reached it,the walls started closing in around him! Princess Leia squealed in terror asthe walls clamped her dual cinnamon rolls and crushed her! Sanchez, on the otherhand, was pushed by the squeezing muscles out through the dilating pinpointof light, and suddenly Sanchez emerged-like Porky Pig at the end of aMerrie Melodies cartoon-from the asshole of Jennifer Lopez! At this point Sanchez wasawoken by the Lumpy Lass, knocking him on the noggin with a mop handle,peeved that Sanchez rampaged through her stoner's stash of Jell-O Snack Packsthe evening previous. "Shifty Sanchez islying about the dream-he made it up so the illustration accompanying the columnwould be a grinning Sanchez wedged between the cheeks of Jennifer Lopez, theaccusing Sister of Sanchez accuses accusingly," accusingly accusedthe accusing Sister of Sanchez. Sanchez's hissing Sister continued, "TheSister of Sanchez hisses that her ass is now so overly covered, so endlesslyhyped as the eighth wonder of the world, that the media powers had no recoursebut to take her musical career seriously!" The observant Sanchez enthusiastwill note that this is Jennifer Lopez's debut in his column-conceding Sanchezadmits she had yet to make a major appearance in Sanchez's column due to thestatistical certainty that Sanchez would write the same joke about JenniferLopez's ass as some other unfortunate ass-commentator elsewhere in the mediaworld. Not to mention that anyone who knows the Lumpy Lass would be aware ofher tremendous respect for the act of sleeping-she'd wait until Sanchez waswell awake before busting him in the face with a stick! Jennifer Lopez's single"If You Had My Love" is number one on the Billboardchart this week. The song depresses Sanchez immensely, as the lyrics are anitemized list of requirements for those who might apply for the position ofJennifer Lopez's beau, ass-touching privileges and all. Certain Sanchez knowsif he got his grimy hands on an application, the very first question-"Areyou an unattractive, unbuff person lacking money, ambition and charm? CheckOne: __Yes __No"-would immediately eliminate him! In other Jennifer Lopeznews, when Jennifer Lopez was asked by the Associated Press whether sheplanned to continue her acting career, Jennifer Lopez replied with the startlinglybland quote, "I really have a desire to keep striving and doing more."Encouraging Sanchez advises Jennifer Lopez that should the well of glamour rundry, she has a great career ahead of her as a ghostwriter for high school yearbooks! Puzzled Sanchez has noidea why he can only refer to Jennifer Lopez as "Jennifer Lopez,"as opposed to "Jennifer, "Ms. Lopez" or even a fluff writer'sboilerplate multihyphenate of age, origin and dual career such as "the28-year-old Bronx-born actress-turned-singer." However, Sanchez does knowthat the Sony Music flack arranging Lopez's autograph session at a mallin Bayamon (apparently the Paramus of Puerto Rico) is namedLourdes Laboy. Brandy told MTV thatshe was cutting her U.S. tour short due to the demands of the Moeshashooting schedule. Sanchez heard, actually, that the tour was tanking-as in400 tickets sold for shows in amphitheaters. Apparently the shed circuitis having a bad year. Sanchez hears that Jewel's tour is also a failingenterprise, as are a number of other tours by other acts that have sold shitloadsof CDs-Sanchez hears even Lilith isn't selling out. Languid Sanchez istoo comfortable on his futon to get up and subscribe to Pollstarso that he might actually be able to speak with authority on these issues. But Sanchez digresses. Inthe same interview with MTV, Brandy waxed philosophical on moviemaking: "It's so expanded," she said. "Your face is so big on that screen,they can see everything you're thinking." The page on MTV.com that dodgySanchez bit the quote from was bannered with an ad for the Army Reserve,"One weekend a month, and two weeks a year will give you an edge year-round,"the ad said, juxtaposing a picture of a guy in fatigues with a picture of thesame guy in a suit and tie. How lighthearted of the Pentagon's ad agency tokeep the nasty you-might-get-called-up-sent-to-lord-knows-where-and-have-your-legs-blown-offcontent away from the kids. For further information on the Army, the readeris invited to "click here" on a big $ in a circle. The Wookie tellsSanchez that all the MTV VJs are high-fiving each other over the lacklusterfirst-week sales of Jesse Camp's debut on Disney's HollywoodRecords label. Witty Sanchez quips: So much for the Rebirth of Hair MetalScare. Caring Sanchez comforts Camp, assuring him that by the time his voicechanges, grunge will be back and the public will be begging for melancholylow-tenor voices and brooding balladry! Mickey Gilley is openinga new Gilley's, this time in downtown Dallas rather than suburbanHouston. Sanchez was unable to confirm whether or not sawdust or mechanicalbulls were involved. "If it's handled properly, the Gilley phenomenon can live on," Gilley said confidently, adding, "The tv stations show themovie Urban Cowboy every three to six months in Dallas." Sanchez, desperately web-surfingto find another hillbilly item to segue into, found out that Dolly Partonand Conway Twitty will be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fameat the Grand Ole Opry on Sept. 22. Twitty is dead. Both had eponymoustheme parks-Dollywood and Twitty City, respectively. In another segue item-oneso good Sanchez believes it was given to him by the Powers That Be for savinga kitten from a burning orphanage in a previous life-Snoop Dogg talkedto MTV about "...A place where I plan to build back for my community, wheremy mom and pops was born at, so it's basically my home too. It's McComb, Mississippi...Magnolia,Mississippi, that little area right there. It's about 60 acres. I'm going tobuild, like, Disneyland, and I'll call it Doggyland." The man whoonce rapped, "I got bitches in the living room getting it on, and theyain't leavin' 'til 6 in the morning," continued, "It's going tobe for the kids. It's going to be amusement parks, it's going to be theaters,skating rinks, 'cause they don't have no type of entertainment or nothing outthere." Sanchez is unsurprised thatSnoop should be so interested in diversifying his interests, being now underthe wing of Master P, who recently unveiled his "All Star MP"basketball shoes, to be manufactured by Converse. When asked if he hadrun out of cross-marketing ideas, P said: "The only other...thing I wouldthink is a...car alarm. You know, every time you turn your car alarm on, orif somebody tries to steal your car, it goes, 'UNNNNNGH'!" NEXT WEEK: Sanchez congratulatesPhil Collins for being awarded a star of the Hollywood Walk of Fame-better thana statue, 'cause not only pigeons but bums can shit on it, too!