What do you need to know about the glammish punk of The Pink Spiders? Their official record company bio wants you to know that the band started out in 2004 as “an instant iconoclastic frame of French New Wave cinema come to life.” The folks at Geffen Records seem to believe that French New Wave cinema started out the same time as A Flock Of Seagulls.
The Pink Spiders didn’t know anyone at Geffen back in 2004, of course. That was back when they were still working up the ranks with what the bio describes as “an almost Machiavellian sense of ambition.” There aren’t that many famous Machiavellis in the world. It’s not really possible to be “almost Machiavellian.” It might be that The Pink Spiders are disciples of the lesser-known Irving Machiavelli. Anyway, the The Pink Spiders bio is full of more fascinating facts. Check out how the band got their crazy reputation:
“The band liked to stick it to the crowd, with drummer Bob Ferrari often giving them the finger during a one-handed solo and bassist Jon Decious spitting beer into the front row. ‘We’re The Pink Spiders, and you’re not,’ singer and guitarist Matt Friction once taunted by way of introduction to a packed, unsuspecting audience.”
Not many audiences suspect that they’ll be seeing punk attitude as channeled through a tired joke mainly associated with former talk-show host Chevy Chase.
We’re nonchalantly assured that The Pink Spiders aren’t trust-fund kids. We’re not convinced, but here’s a good try: “Not only did their trailer catch fire in Buffalo, but the band slept in New York City subways when they had nowhere to crash …”
In the previous paragraph, we were told that crowds “were never quite sure if the band would seduce them or insult them.” Now we’re told that The Pink Spiders can’t even pick up girls so they’ll have a place to sleep when they’re stuck in New York City.
There are women here who go out and get picked up just because their apartments’ water heaters are on the blink. The Pink Spiders have to live like homeless people. Even worse, they act like that’s some kind of achievement.
But everything’s cool now, we’re told, because that tour led to their choice of major-label offers. After they signed to Geffen, by the way, The Pink Spiders “have since been named as one of Alternative Press’ ‘100 Bands You Need To Know in 2006—’” along with 97 other bands we’ll have all forgotten by 2008.
If anyone at Geffen reads this, please note that we’re cleaning up all the typographical errors where we quote the bio. Let’s assume it’s a stylistic demand that The Pink Spiders is always spelled with a capital “T.”
We’re not sure about some parts, though. We’re told that the “standout track” on the new Teenage Graffiti is a song called “Little Razorblade.” The track is supposedly “an ode to the crush-heavy pang.” The author must have meant something like “crush-driven.”
Also, Teenage Graffiti supposedly “shows the band achieving its former dynamism with a renewed defiance, rebellion and dexterity.” NY Press has run some impenetrable reviews in the past (many written by myself), but that sentence is baffling. You don’t achieve dynamism. You maintain it or formulate it.
Maybe you can regain dynamism. The sad truth is that the author probably thought he was inventing a new word.
The one encouraging thing about The Pink Spiders’ bio is that nobody at Geffen is willing to put his (or her) name to the thing. The sheet doesn’t name a publicist or give out a phone number. There’s just the URL for The Pink Spiders website.
At least the bio accurately demonstrates what the Pink Spiders sound like. They sound like a bunch of morons. You still have to listen to Teenage Graffiti to appreciate the music. It sounds like Ric Ocasek and Tom Lord-Alge laughing at how much they get paid to create generic punk-pop-thrash.
Oct. 13. Webster Hall, 125 E. 11th St. (betw. 3rd & 4th Aves.), 212- 353-1600; 6:30, $22/$24.
