You need never feel alone and bereft again now that the messiah has returned, and in a mini-version you can slip into a briefcase or purse. This perfectly detailed, 12-inch figure of Jesus Christ ($29.99, www.entertainmentearth.com) comes with hand-tailored and historically accurate clothing and accessories as well as a numbered certificate of authenticity—yes, this really is God’s son! Ever the teacher, JC comes with a biographical pamphlet with juicy tidbits only the Christian Bible could hold and photographs courtesy of the Library of Congress. Plus, he has a lot to say—28 different phrases in four minutes, to be exact. As he murmurs pearls of wisdom in your ear, like “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone” and “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” rest assured that there’s no friend like Jesus.
Good Morning
Imagine this: It’s 6 a.m. Your alarm clock begins to ring. You press the snooze button for two more minutes of heavenly shut-eye. And then your alarm sounds again. You reach over to turn it off, but…What’s this? The darn thing leaps off your nightstand! Then it proceeds to drive around your room, making random turns and racing from your grasp, beeping incessantly until you manage to hunt it down and shut it off—if you can. Meet Clocky ($49.99, www.thinkgeek.com), the amazing robotic alarm, available in almond white, aqua, mint and soon mustard orange. Either you’ll love him or smash him, but either way, you’ll never sleep through your alarm again. (Jill Colvin)
It’s Funny when you cry
Do you laugh out loud when your neighbor trips over his dog after not picking up her shit? If so, you, my friend, are a fan of schadenfreude, a term of German origin meaning pleasure derived from the misfortune of others, and these aptly titled Schadenfreude flick books ($7.50 each or $39.50 for the set, www.npw.uk) are for you. Designer Juliane Otterbach is a born-and-raised German, so she has an innate understanding of the word, and after flipping through this series of six pocket-sized paperbacks, you’ll feel like you do, too. Standouts include Cossack, which depicts an ADD kid getting whacked in the head after he runs into a spinning dancer, and Pants, which depicts a guy happily toting a TV until his trousers drop and he tumbles to the ground. Yeah, falling on your ass is featured heavily in this set, as well as feisty animals and rampant tennis balls. The only thing better would be a series of Ironic Schadenfreude flick books in which the aforementioned neighbor would actually fall into the pile of his dog’s shit after not picking it up.
(Kari Milchman)
Tee-D Off
Sometimes you want to keep things simple. And Wat’s Alternatees (prices vary, www.alternatees.com) do just that. Simple slogans—“Drop Bush Not Bombs,” “Capitalism Breeds Poverty,” “My Dick Would Make a Better Vice President”—get the political point across on simple shirts (printed on American Apparel). Since you don’t have a car, it’s like wearing a bumper sticker across your breasts—and your cause will probably get a lot more notice as well. And if that’s not enough, he’s even done one up for baby: “War Bad.” Simple and sweet. (Jerry Portwood)
