Dear Mark, My roommate has the worst kitchen manners ever. Not only is she unsanitary and never does dishes, her palate is limited to bread, cheese and cereal with nary a vegetable in sight. Yet, she constantly swoops in to look at what I’m cooking, only to inform me that she could “never eat that,” with emphasis on the “that.” Should I continue to ignore her? Or tell her how chubby she’s starting to look around the waistline?
Maybe you’re catching me on a sensitive day, or maybe I’m just really touchy about kitchen etiquette, but I’m totally on your side. Who the hell is your roommate to get up in your business? If she doesn’t like what you’re cooking, she doesn’t have to eat it, and if she’s leaving a mess, she damn well has to clean it up. OK. Let me breathe. As annoying as this is, it’s not a huge problem, so playful assertiveness is the best way to deal.When I’m facing similar situations—like people forgetting to let me off the damn subway before they squeeze on—I psyche up with Robyn, the rough-yetcheeky dance-pop Swede who’s music is perfect for sassy put-downs. Before your next kitchen visit, listen to Robyn’s song “Konichiwa Bitches.” Nothing will get you in fight mode like a helium-voiced dance diva rapping, “I’ll hammer your toe like a pediatrician/ Saw you in half, like I’m a magician.”
In fact, go listen to the song right now. I’ll wait. Feeling pumped? Good! Now the next time your roommate disses your food, keep that spirit alive.Tell her to back away from the stove. Say it with a smile, but say it clearly. And if her dirty dishes are around, tell her that instead of talking about your food, she should clean up her own. Again, always laughing, but still landing your punch.
As for her weight... best to leave that out of it. Her diet (and health) isn’t your business, just like your food choices aren’t hers. Rather that trying to hurt her, just get sassy about your boundaries.
And look, I know this approach may not work with everyone, but sometimes it’s easier to solve proves if you have fun with them.
Dear Mark, Since my best gal pal met her first serious boyfriend six months ago, I’ve seen a lot less of her. While I’m able to deal with feelings of jealousy and rejection, it pisses me off when she asks me to “hang on Saturday” without a specific time and then ends up spending all day with her man and “doesn’t feel well” when it starts to get dark out, ruining my afternoon and evening as I wait for her at home with my cat. How do I explain to her that she needs to cut out the bullshit without seeming like that jealous friend?
Oh, have I been there. I mean, I know we’re not talking about me, but do you know what makes this situation especially frustrating? When you’re gay, your friend is straight and his girlfriend is coming between you. I had such a bad experience with that in college that I deserved a special episode of an ABC Family series.
But no matter who you are, it hurts to feel your space in a friend’s life get poached by a love connection. And you’re right about your friend: She’s treating you unfairly when she leaves you hanging.
But here are some things to consider:
(1) This is her first serious boyfriend. That’s a mind-blowing experience for a lot of people, and the first time around can be all consuming. It’s possible your friend is so caught up in learning how to exist inside a relationship that she doesn’t realize she’s neglecting her friend on the outside.
(2) You are not powerless. Do you know that song “Vibrate” by Rufus Wainwright? He keeps saying, “My phone’s on vibrate for you...
So call me. Call me in the morning. Call me in the night.” It’s clear he’s feeling defeated, and that’s basically what’s happening with you:
You’re giving up your autonomy in your friendship, allowing your friend to guide everything as you sit around waiting for her call. The next time she says she wants to get together, make plans for a specific time and activity.That way, the friendship is something you’re both building.
Also, you don’t have to wait for her blessing.You can ask your friend to do something with you. But remember...
(3) You can express yourself in a constructive way. Don’t get so focused on your own hurt feelings that you say something like, “Hey bitch, if you care about me you’ll see Bride Wars with me on Sunday.” Because really, if you guilt your friend into being with you, what are you getting? If none of this works, then it may be time for a heart-to-heart about why you’re feeling neglected, but even then, assume your friend still cares about you and wants to see you. Don’t accuse or berate her: Just talk honestly about the things you’re missing.
And of course, remember this...
(4) Your friend’s boyfriend is a real part of her life.Though one-on-one time with your friend will always be important, you should consider asking her and her boyfriend to do something.
By accepting the new part of your friend’s life, you’ll prove that you’re willing to let your friendship grow along with the rest of her life.
Mark Blankenship is also the author of The Critical Condition (www.thecriticalcondition.com), an awesome website for pop culture reviews. Email your questions to Mark at musicadvice@nypress.com
