A clean-cut crowd assembled to watch— and in a few cases, cajole one another into participating in—what can only be described as X-rated pantomime. Comedian Chris Trew, the event’s mastermind, was identifiable by his various “funny guy” signifiers: short shorts, beard, ironic Christian soccer jersey, glasses. I ducked behind the DJ booth to talk to him.
What are you looking for in the contestants tonight?
Chris Trew: Confidence, character, commitment to the idea and fucking, really good fucking.
Is it strange there aren’t more freaks here?
The fetish community isn’t supportive of air sex in New York.
What about strippers?
Strippers are actually terrible at air sex. It’s like going to a football game and watching people talk about running lines all night without ever actually playing football.
I saw some posters for Penthouse, what do they have to do with it?
They’re just a sponsor.
The infamous girly mag had, however, supplied a few Pets as judges, so I went over to their table to chat. Statuesque redhead Justine Joli grew instantly familiar when introduced, skipping the handshake to fondle my thigh.
“I’m sorry,” the model purred. “When we see cute girls, we can’t keep our hands off them.”
No worries. In terms of judging style, would you say you’re more of a Simon or a Paula?
“I’d like to think I’m more of a Paula. I’ll try to make my criticism constructive.Though if I get drunk enough, I could be a Simon.”
What do you think of the crowd?
“There’s a massive amount of squares here...then again, a lot of sexual deviants are normal-looking people.”
The show beginning, Joli skipped off to join fellow Penthouse pet and clinical psychologist/sex writer Victoria Zdrok at the judges’ table, as well as reigning air-sex champion Joel Keith, sword-swallower Heather Holliday and Jezebel editor Megan Carpentier.
“Show us how big your air dick is,” Trew instructed the contestants. “Or your air vagina. Use your imagination; maybe you’re fucking a dragon.”
The contestants eagerly took his advice, committing such air perversions as bestiality, midget tossing, road head and autoerotic asphyxiation.While the men took the opportunity to present extravagant fantasies, a few ladies highlighted the less satisfying side of sex: incompetent partners, awkward positions and stubborn chastity belts. The winner, Brian Arya, scored points for putting on an air condom before fucking an air prostitute in his air car.
By the end of the night, things had gone from silly to seamy, with contestants doing everything in their power to hold the judges’ attention. “This is not a fucking game!” admonished Trew. “By now, every girl is a little bit wet and every guy has a halfway boner.” I know it’s ludicrous, but I dare say he was right.
NYPIntern
