By now, two months after the rest of the new shows have premiered, you've surely been beaten into submission regarding the plot of V by ABC's marketing department, storing its plot in your brain even if you're unaware of it. Another of ABC's twisting and turning, creepy-crawly shows that repay the audience's dedication, V is a reboot of the '80s miniseries in which aliens arrive on Earth. Surprisingly devoid of tentacles or evil plans, these aliens (led by Morena Baccarin's Anna) are attractive and kindly. They heal the ailing, they promise peace, and they even prop up ailing economies by drawing in an influx of tourists, all eager to take a tour of a real life alien space craft. Oh, and they're actually evil terrorists who have been plotting to decimate the world for decades, while perfecting a human mask that covers their scaly skin.

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Well, it’s been a wild crazy ride—almost like a zip line into an abyss. But now we’ve reached the end of My Antonio, and someone has to win. I don’t know who it will be, but I do know that it’s definitely not any of us viewers. Particularly those who spend way too long obsessively recapping every episode. On to the recap!

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Antonio opens this episode himself, saying it’s going to be tough to choose between Brooke, Miranda and Tully. Really, Antonio? Choosing the top two girls out of that trio is tough? Then he and Brooke are jumping into a speedboat and crashing through the waves. It’s a recycled date, really: the open water version of Antonio’s rough terrain jeep date with Tania. Then they’re paddling along on boards, which seems silly and boring. But Antonio feels that he’s falling for Brooke because she’s beautiful and funny. Frankly, I’m tired of her Pollyanna attitude.

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This week's My Antonio starts at the Hilton, where the final four reminisce about the early days, when there were so many crazies crowded around their now empty table. Remember crazy Sarah, who fled in the middle of the night? Or Julann, who told Antonio to focus only on healthy people? Or Anju, who proudly said that she could never be in a monogamous relationship? Good times. Miranda is just thrilled that Antonio has seen past the “clutter,” but Christi is devastated that she was in the final two twice in a row. And now it’s time for horseback riding with Antonio's mother, Yvonne!

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The medical drama should be an easy homerun. Like the saying goes, if you like that sort of thing, then that’s the sort of thing you’ll like. Throw in some explosive personalities, one hesitant romance, and a disease of the week, and bam! Hit show. And CBS, the staid older sibling of the five networks, should be a perfect fit for it. But Three Rivers is a mess from start to finish.

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This week on My Antonio, my fondness and sympathy for Antonio Sabato, Jr., disappears in a wisp of smoke. Literally. The episode begins with Christi complaining at the Hilton about being in the bottom two with Autumn. She says she’s “hurt and also in shock.” What did she expect, though, when she gets so drunk during dinner she puts her bare feet on the table and then charges through the Hilton suite screaming that she’s gonna punch out Miranda? Does she think that the camera crew and the producers don’t tell Antonio what happens when he’s away?

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Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton, who co-starred in Fox’s Back to You for its solitary season, are each back in their own separate sitcoms, both of which feature a major “but…” factor.

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Well, now we know where all the money is going that NBC is saving by airing The Jay Leno Show every night at 10pm—towards the massive special effects in Trauma. Too bad the show itself is little more than a framework for helicopter crashes and exploding cars.

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My Antonio opens with the same dinner that ended the last episode last week, when Antonio dragged Jessica into the bushes to say goodbye. Now he explains to the girls that since he is a “working actor,” their challenge the next morning will be to perform soap opera scenes with him in pairs. This is actually the first challenge that doesn’t feel arbitrary—hula dancing anyone?

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