Rob Kutner Reveals Pope Benedict XVI’s secret New York City Travel Itinerary

You better not cheat. You better not lie. You better not gay-marry, I’m telling you why: Benedict is coming to town.

That’s right. His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has just announced he will be visiting New York City from April 18th to 20th. As could be expected, his timing is infallible. He’ll be hitting our fair city right between Tax Day and Passover, the sweet spot when the maximum number of Jews are distracted.

The main stops on the official papal itinerary have been made public: An address to the United Nations, a mass at St. Patrick’s, a youth event at St. Joseph’s Seminary in Yonkers, a visit to Ground Zero and a large public mass at Yankee Stadium.

But when it comes to the Vatican, let’s face it—the most interesting stuff is the secrets. Fortunately, the Press has managed to get its hands on Benny’s unofficial calendar as well. Here are some of the highlights:

Friday, April 18th

TIMES SQUARE While not the Sodom & Gomorrah it used to be, this ESPN Zone of iniquity still teems with countless tasks for His Eminence to attend to (you might even say his iCal runneth over). Among them: • Emulating the model of Christ by attempting to clothe the Naked Cowboy (tip: $2) • Issuing a Papal Bull proclaiming that the Black Israelites shall not get into Black Heaven • Seeking to reverse the Church’s declining members by donning an orange rain poncho, standing outside Caroline’s and handing out recruitment fliers. (Sample pitch: “He-ey, do you like piety?”)

[Read the rest here.]