A Summer Guide for the Well-Endowed Man A Summer Guide ...

Make text smaller Make text larger

It is tough to get by in America as a man with a large penis. From the get-go, one is branded a brute, a tool, a member of the lower classes. If a woman has taken a large-penised man for a lover and she is praising him to her friends, she does not say, "He has a big dick," she says, "He has a big dick and he's an excellent?" stockbroker, dog-walker, chef, corrections officer, etc. She declines to mention the penis alone because it is embarrassing to have a large one, or to cope with a large one.

Even more troubling, the Man with Large Penis (or MLP, pronounced "mlp") is expected to perform well in bed. If he does not, the trait that will be paired with his large-penised-ness will invariably be his sexual inadequacy?"He has a big dick but he's terrible in bed"?to be followed by laughter and taunting. The MLP is expected to know when to play up, play down and keep quiet about himself in a relationship, with pet names sometimes and mute humility others. The role models for MLPs are bad people: John Holmes, James Woods, Tommy Lee, R. Crumb.

Yet perhaps the most frustrating aspect of single MLP living is the problem of finding an adequate device for prophylactic sheathing. Normal-size condoms, especially anything marked "thin" or "sensitive," are guaranteed to pop like dull cannons during an MLP sexual encounter, with all the accompanying fumbling, apologizing, added cost and possible yelling about pregnancy and STDs. For this reason, New York Press has come forward with the first of its kind, a Large Condom Map of Manhattan that delineates the facilities in which one may buy more garbage-bag-like rubbers during the day or evening hours. (Late-night buys are extremely difficult, as will be discussed.) We believe this map will be especially useful now, as the season of heightened sexual activity dawns.

Creating this map involved systematically entering Manhattan's myriad bodegas, delis and food service outlets (such as GNC) and applying the Five-Second Rule. That is, if a box of larger-size condoms was not clearly displayed among the tampons, Alka-Seltzer and Visine such that it could be spotted within five seconds, the store was assumed not to have any such condoms and was not marked on the map. This rule was upheld because asking around for condoms is still embarrassing, even in 2002, and is especially bad for MLPs, who must request the larger kind and reveal their condition to overly genial store clerks. These clerks often feel compelled to offer their own faltering comments on penis size.

Green is the color of flappingly large condoms, just as light blue has been claimed by milk packagers as the color of skim. (LifeStyles also incorporates teal on some boxes, confusingly similar to green, but these do not contain larger condoms. Beware.) The only types of large condoms one is likely to find are Trojan, LifeStyles and Trojan Magnum, the biggest of them all?almost humorously large ones. Trojan has much better distribution than does LifeStyles, with the reasonable-size Trojan Large (green box) more common than the Trojan Magnum (gray box), but still rare.

An MLP should seek out Duane Reade first when looking for a larger-size condom. Duane Reade always has a spectrum of choices, although they come only in larger boxes (12 count), requiring a $10 outlay. Duane Reades are quick, reliable and everywhere?there is one nearly every six blocks in Manhattan.

CVS and Rite Aid are also fine, but both stores have few outlets. That sums up most of the drugstore options because there are hardly any family-owned drugstores left in this city. Bodegas are very unreliable but are better in neighborhoods occupied by young people, with facilities near NYU and the East Village having decent large-condom availability. The most noticeable large-condom drought is on Lexington Ave. in midtown, where apparently smaller-penised young individuals live and work.

After 10 p.m., when many Duane Reades are closed, the situation becomes dire. Postmidnight it is nearly impossible to find a larger-size condom unless one is in the Lower East Side or West Village. The Internet, the best sex alternative, is available 24/7.

Since AIDS has largely been defeated as a cultural pandemic, condoms are not that important for today's young people, but they offer advantages that the manufacturers curiously choose to ignore in their marketing campaigns. A condom gives a man (especially a MLP, who has more to give) the chance to reflect after sex on the meaning and judgment (good or bad) of his act. A condom affords one the opportunity to finish sex and then take a break to flush the prophylactic down the toilet and look in the mirror and think about the gravity of sex and the weird shapes of life. One of which is a rectangular green box.

Make text smaller Make text larger




Subscribe to our mailing list

* indicates required
Neighborhood Newsletters