Did Jesus Travel at Warp Nine? Plus, Record Roundup

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"There's no way Jesus could possibly be in heaven," says this guy, Steve, a paparazzo who lives in my building.

"What are you talking about?" asks Jeff, taking a break from whistling a tune from South Pacific.

"Yeah," I say, "what are you talking about?"

We are in front of the apartment building in which I live, and with us is my dog, P.J., as well as our mutual pal, Jose.

"He just can't be in heaven yet," explains Steve, "It's not possible?if you think about it."

"What the fuck are you on?" asks Jose.

I nod my head in agreement, wondering why I'm even listening to this guy. Then I remember. Things have been really boring lately.

First of all, no good bands are playing. Anywhere. I mean, yeah, once in a while I catch someone good at Continental, Don Hill's or CBGB. But for the most part, it's Limp Bizcut wannabes and shitty boy bands that sound like girls.

I have had to find entertainment near me. And since my wrist has been very sore lately from playing with my joystick, I've found pontificating about the universe with the locals to be both fun and enlightening.

Anyway, Steve goes on explaining why Jesus can't be in heaven.

"If you travel at the speed of light," he explains, "you still wouldn't be able to make it out of the galaxy in 2000 years."

"What?" says Jeff, who for once wasn't telling us about a great musical he'd seen on television, or about how the guys he likes like it rough. With rope and everything.

"What does 2000 years have to do with anything?" I ask Steve.

"Well," explains Steve, "it's 2000 years since Jesus, and there's no way he's left the galaxy yet."

"Give me whatever you're on!" says Jose.

"I'm not on anything," protests Steve. "It's just that if Jesus hasn't left the galaxy, how has he made it all the way to heaven?"

"Maybe he took a bus," says Jose.

"Bus Stop is such a fabulous movie," says Jeff. "Marilyn never looked so good."

"Maybe Jesus travels faster than the speed of light," I say.

"Like on Star Trek," says Steve. "I never thought of that. You're right!"

"Yeah," I explain, "if Jesus were to travel at warp nine, nine times the speed of light, he'd get to heaven a hell of a lot faster!"

"True," Steve explains, "but even at warp nine, Janeway and the Voyager still haven't been able to leave the Delta Quadrant."

I tell him that if Jesus were to somehow modify some dilithium crystals, or find a wormhole, it would get him to the Pearly Gates much faster.

"You're right," says Steve.

"Thank you," I say.

"But I was thinking of another thing," says Steve.

"What's that?" says Jose, who should have kept his yap shut.

"How the hell can Pegasus fly around in space when there's no oxygen?"

"And what about his wings?" asks Jeff.

I'm about to answer them both when P.J. barks for me to take him for a walk. He, like me, probably figures the shit that'll come out of his ass will be more exciting than this crap.

Talk about exciting, the new Puny Human CD, now out on Small Stone Records, is actually exciting. I mean, it's the first post-Norman Bates & the Showerheads recordings I've heard by Jim Starace, the singer for both bands. Jim, along with the Diamond brothers, Josh and Jason, and Iann Robinson, kick out a healthy mix of heavy and metal. But not heavy metal. This stuff sounds like Prong meets Soundgarden meets, well, fuckin' Black Sabbath, dood! My favorite tunes here are "Eating Cigarettes" and "Jesus Has My Leg." These guys are from Queens, near where the Ramones grew up, so you know they're a-okay in my book.

Megadeth has a new album out, speaking of the devil. Or heavy metal. Whatever. Anyway, it's out on Sanctuary Records, it's called The World Needs a Hero and it's surprisingly good. I mean, compared to their last album, Risk, which sounded like Fleetwood Mac. Anyway, on this disc Dave Mustaine and the boys kick out some awesome tunes including one off their recent greatest-hits album, Capitol Punishment. Now I don't know how a new song could be already released on a greatest-hits record, but it's probably got something to do with Jesus and warp factor nine. Anyway, the tune is called "Dread and the Fugitive Mind," and it rocks so fucking hard I play air guitar to it. Always. Also, the last tune, "When," is a nice Mustaine reworking of "Am I Evil," written when he was in Metallica. Yee-haw!

Don't Label Us is the name of the new Two Man Advantage CD on Go-Kart, and the title says it all. These guys don't like to be labeled. Not "Hockey-core." Not "Punk Rock." Not even "Beer Drinkin' He-Men!" Nope, these guys don't wanna be called anything. So of course I gotta call them something. But the only word I can come up with is "great." No shit. This record is it. The bomb. The thang. That little "extra" that makes me spew my wad, with a hint of a Tony Soprano smile on my face. Don't Label Us is Minor Threat meets Zeke meets Dwarves meets Two Man Advantage (the early years). This CD is so fucking good it's scary. Much like Zeke's Kicked in the Teeth, and the Dwarves' Blood, Guts & Pussy. Spag sounds more like Ian McKaye than ever, and the guitars and drums are so tight you'd swear these guys invented the genre they play?whatever you want to call it. Five out of five beers, here. Go out, get this album, and SUCK IT DOWN!

Speaking of Go-Kart Records, one of their old acts, Anti-Flag, has a new one out called Underground Network on Fat Wreck Chords. I didn't expect much when I popped it into my CD player, so I was pleasantly surprised. The band's gotten a lot better since last time I heard them, and they actually have some decent melodies and songs that remind me of my pals, the LES Stitches. Good tunes here include "Angry, Young And Poor," "Vieques Puerto Rico: Bikini Revisited" and "Watch the Right." Obviously, these guys are a little "left" and hey, it's great to hear that in this day and age.

Metal Gear Solid: Sons Of Liberty is the new video game demo by Konami that comes with the game Z.O.E. (Zone of Enders). While Z.O.E. is a beautiful-looking giant robot game for the PlayStation2, Metal Gear Solid (MGS) kicks its ass in every way possible. Actually, MGS kicks the ass of any video game I've ever seen. Welcome to the next century, folks. This game looks so fucking real you can actually feel the warm blood spray on your face when you shoot some Russian terrorist. You can also feel your heartbeat on the dual-shock controller, and as the action speeds up, so does your heart. If you are lucky enough to find any photos of hot Asian women on the disc's one level demo, just keep pushing the "first-person view" button, and hear that "thawka-thawka" sound of joy and liberty that your right hand can offer at any time. Did I say this thing was amazing? Holy Solid Snake!

Also out for the PlayStation, or PS1 as they now call it, is Kiss Pinball, put together by Tarantula Studios, Take2Interactive and Rockstar. It's a video game where you play pinball. Duh! But how could a game with Gene Simmons' extra-long tongue be bad? Also, it lists for $9.99. And while you're playing it you can put in your own favorite CD in exchange for the game disc and rock out to anything you want.

Saliva's new album, Every Six Seconds (Island), sucks. In that dry-mouth sort of way. Like when you're having oral sex, and nothing gets wet. Plus they look like a bunch of rejects from Oz. Nothing blows more than this pseudo-metal crap except for an old girlfriend of mine.

I've been reading a lot about a band called the Strokes lately. About how they are the rebirth of punk and garage, and how truly wonderful they are. Even some friends suggested I check them out. So I did. And I'm sorry, but if this is punk then the Talking Heads are New York hardcore.

"Sex Bomb" is my favorite Flipper song, and although it's not on the new Blow'n Chunks (ROIR), this thing rocks anyway. Hearing these guys again after so many years reminds me of just how inventive they where. You know, In Utero would have never existed without the contributions of these guys. Also, I'd have never gotten to fuck that drunk chick with three nipples in college. But that's another story.

In a Paper Suit (In the Red) by Knoxville Girls rocks. This CD is rockabilly/country/punk. And no, there's no chicks playing on this thing. Just a bunch of guys who know that Link Wray was "da bomb." Does anyone have a newer, "hipper" term I could use? Something the kids say? Anyway, check out track nine if you don't believe me about the Link Wray stuff.

Buckcherry's new one, Time Bomb is, well, okay, I'm not gonna say it. So there. Anyway, it's on DreamWorks, and if you "Love the Cocaine," you'll love this. Of course the whole thing is just a remake of that one song, "Lit Up," but what the hell. It's a good song.

Finally, I got the new self-released Nothing Is So Bad? EP by Worse. Seven songs here from angry New Jersey dudes who play like they really don't give a fuck. Songs range from titles like "I Still Hate Your Guts" to "Everything I Touch Turns to Shit" to "Nowhere Fast." Funny, angry and fast, these guys are destined to go places. Like through the Holland Tunnel.

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