Giuliani Almost Assassinated In '87

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According to an [F.B.I memo] read in a Brooklyn court yesterday, America came within one mobster’s vote in 1987 of not having such a crappy presidential candidate in 2007. Instead of being assassinated by the New York organized crime families, however, Rudolph Giuliani is still walking the Earth and has a chance to top Franklin Pierce, Herbert Hoover, Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush as the worst man ever elected to the Oval Office.

The memo states that when Giuliani was a US Attorney prosecuting the [Mafia Commission Case] 20 years ago, the leaders of the five New York mob families [discussed the idea of killing him](, and John Gotti and Carmine Persico were actually in favor of the hit. Sadly, however, the bosses of the Luchese, Bonnano and Genovese families rejected the idea, and subsequently the “Vote to Save America” came up one dissenter short. “That was one vote I won I guess,” Giuliani said yesterday on Mike Gallagher’s radio show.

Now unfortunately, America must listen to the insufferable Giuliani give the same damn answers to every question:

Reporter No. 1: What do you think of global warming, Mr. Giuliani?
RG: What do I think? I think September 11 and terrorism. That’s what I think.
Reporter No. 2: And what are your thoughts on abortion?
RG.: That’s an easy one. 9/11, of course.
Reporter No. 3: But Mr. Giuliani, why do you cheat on your wives?
RG: I think September 11 is the best answer to that question.
Report No. 3: But reports of your affairs—the ones we know about, anyway—began in the 1990s. How could 9/11 have anything to do with that?
RG: Terrorism, my dear. Terrorism.

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