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One is overly angsty; the other is far too precious. Both wear black on the outside because itís how they feel on the inside. Whether youíre into popping zits or pop songs, letting the world see your sadness requires dead-serious dedication. So light up your cloves and make sure your black clothes all matchóafter all, you canít spell funeral without fun.

1. Black wig. If you want the world to know how sad it makes you, itís best to start from the top. Messing with blue-black hair dye can stain your delicate palms, so donning fake tresses is the way to go.

2. Blank stare. People are always saying that the eyes are windows to the soulóbut since you havenít got soul, itís best to keep Ďem glazed over and in a fixed stare. Unless you want to wear those cat-eye contacts, but thatís pretty next level.

3. Pale skin. You hate the outdoors, abhor sports and would rather stay in your room than go anywhereóof course youíre pale. But it doesnít hurt that haughty Victorians, corpses and your other role models were also incredibly pallid.

4. Marker to write on face. Guyliner is passť and teardrop tattoos arenít part of the Trash and Vaudeville employee dress code, so break out a Sharpie when you want to use your ghoulish flesh as a billboard. Extra points for using a Rimbaud quote.

5. Cape. Youíre a fucking goth, what else would you wear?

Antony and the Johnsons, Oct. 16, Apollo Theatre, 253 W. 125 St. (at Frederick Douglass Blvd.), 212-531-5305; 8, $58.50-$68.50

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