Lady Smarts: How to Visit a Strip Club

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Clubs can be pretentious, exclusive, elitist and silly. Then, there are strip clubs. Offering equal opportunity under unflattering lights, buried feelings, and shifty eyes, strip clubs are the embodiment of the new American dream, where anyone with a wad of sweaty bills and slumped shoulders can join in watching other people do what they only avoid seeing in the mirror. The same goes for guys and girls, of course, and should that day come, when you find yourself convinced, ambushed, or excitedly volunteering to enter those hallowed concrete walls, I want you to be prepared. Prepared not for the scandalous nudity and raw sexuality ? please ? but for the uncomfortable emptiness and ambivalence that fills the air. How to Visit a Strip Club like a Lady
Whatever you do, don't blush. Like blood in shark-filled water, blushing will only attract the deadliest of attention. There is nothing more irresistible, enticing, and challenging to a stripper than a bashful target. You present zero threat and will pay them nicely, if only to leave you alone. To cover any unavoidable blushing, I recommend applying several layers of your thickest foundation. If, like me, you're scared of foundation, a thin layer of Silly Putty also does the trick. Simply find ? or blend! ? the color closest to your skin tone, stretch thin, and start pressing! Watch the air bubbles. What was fun to pop as a kid can be quite disturbing to those around you. When you're wearing it like skin, that is. Mom jeans: confusing to the average stripper and male alike, mom jeans provide a force field that masks any potential sex appeal. You may have mixed feelings about them now, but come 2:23 a.m., when there are two pairs of boobs coming directly at your face, and oodles of horny old men watching from a distance, Mom jeans will be your best friend and only defense. Mom jeans also remind strippers ? and, more importantly, those old men in sweatpants watching from the bar ? of their own mothers and in turn make them feel embarrassed and ashamed, or simply not aroused. We hope. Either way, that tapered leg, gentle fade, and girding waistband will keep you hidden behind the safe projection of everyone else's childhood issues, which is where you are wisest to remain. Avoid sparkles, sequins, glitter, or anything else that might attract a spotlight-like reflection. Actually, you shouldn't be wearing any of these under normal circumstances either. Wear glasses, fake ones if you need to. You will be wearing them not to disguise yourself but so that the lenses might fog up enough to hide the fear in your eyes. If you can't find fake ones, borrowing someone's very strong prescription pair can at least help you better detach yourself from your surroundings. Should you not wish to invest in a new, unflattering wardrobe for this adventure, a bit of advance research can easily accomplish the same effect. Getting some insight into exactly whose assless chaps will be bent over you will allow you to interrupt with a simple "How are those Computer Programming classes going?" or "How's Binky's paw healing?" She (or he) will either be creeped out enough to leave you alone all night, or ready to sit down and chat. Bring a LOT of chewing gum. If none of the above steps are working, stick as much gum in your mouth as possible, slide it all to one side and do your best Jimmy Stewart. "Ah you're real shwell shweetheart but a lap danshe would be washted on the likesh of me." At the very least, you'll deflect the attention away from yourself long enough for it to land on some poor unsuspecting Brother of the Bride who got dragged to the bachelor party. You will notice that, like your visit to the cloob should be, this list is short and sweet. Now order another round of drinks for everyone, and run.

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