MCCAIN IS NOT QUITE ABEL

I have been thinking about the possibility of Johnny McCain becoming president, and him being assassinated by the loony right-wing rapturers. He would (a) go straight to Heaven to say "I am sorry" to all the little Vietnamese children he dropped bombs on; and (b) his departure would facilitate the elevation of Sarah Palin to the presidency, so that with herself and Jesus in the White House, we would all be saved. People should know that "Mc" and "Mac" are one and the same, from the Gaelic meaning "son of," while "O" means "descendant of," i.e. O'Bama. So "McCain" means "son of Cain," and Cain is often confused with his biblical brother, Abel, but be assured that McCain is not Abel in any way. Sarah is not able for the job either. Our heroic bomb dropper (who 'tis said was not shot down, but crashed) also delights in the designation of "maverick." A swift look in the dictionary reveals a maverick to be a bovine creature with no mother; an undisciplined, out-of-control animal. Now this Maverick Son of Cain carried on an affair with his then-mistress, now his wife, till he left his then-wife and married the mistress, Cindy, in 1980. Then he ran for Congress and campaigned vigorously against the Equal Rights Amendment, vowing to vote against it. Mistresses he loves but not women. He also voted against equal pay for women, raising the minimum wage and bills benefitting veterans. He was a POW for six years-a fact to which he shyly refers much in the same way that Rudy works 9/11 into his speeches. Now, Cindy (whose family made a fortune on a drug known as alcohol) set up a foundation known as American Voluntary Medical Team, whose mission was to send recently expired drugs to Third World hospitals. 'Twas not long before the wealthy Cindy was stealing Percocet and Vicodin, both of which are classified as drugs as powerful as opium. When she was caught, instead of going to prison like any ordinary thief, she got to go to rehab. If poor people got the same deal, the prison industry would be out of business. Let us not forget the Keating Savings and Loan scandal. Son of Cain received contributions from Charlie Keating, and Cindy and her daddy invested in a Keating strip mall. The McCain clan also travelled on Keating's private jet to his retreat in the Bahamas; included was the baby sitter. The collapse of Keating bank cost taxpayers $2 billion. Yet McCain and his chief economic advisor, Sen. Phil Gramm-whose wife was on the board of Enron-deregulated the financial institutions that led us to the present crisis. But Johnny says our fundamentals are sound. For the first time in our history, "workers" are defined by Johnny as "fundamentals." So we now have millions of unemployed fundamentals, which is better than unemployed workers. In the meantime, the veterans love Johnny as long he votes against anything that would benefit them. P.S. Son of Cain wanted Sen. Joe Lieberman as his running mate, but Joe refused to change his name to "Josephine" and have a sex change, as he felt his legs were not good enough for the short skirt. So we got Sarah, whom the Russians know all about as they have been spying on her and Alaska for years. You didn't know you could see Alaska from Russia, did you? McCain is still not Abel. My website is [malachymccourt.com] and my latest book is Malachy McCourt's History of Ireland.