McConkey for Governor

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The first and only time I met Gov. George Pataki was at Elaine's, and I was under the influence. He could not have been nicer. My friend John Mosely introduced us, and Pataki graciously complimented me on my writing. Needless to say, I was very flattered the Governor knew who the poor little Greek boy was. Mind you, I had voted for him twice, and had met his wife at a Carolina Herrera fashion show, and she, too, could not have been nicer.

This is the good news. The bad is that as decent and honest a person as Pataki is, he is not a conservative, and he has certainly not governed as one. A Republican governor, unless he's Nelson Rockefeller, does not join the phonies like Robert Kennedy and Al Sharpton in opposing the bombing at Vieques, as Pataki did. Being nice to Sharpton on television makes one look weak and opportunistic, but George did it and was shameless about it.

Pataki's budgets have increased at a faster rate than did those of Mario Cuomo, the man who in my view really put New York in the hole for good. George has also caved in to unions on state healthcare and is for casino gambling upstate, a surefire invite to the mob. Last but not least, Pataki is pro-gun-control when he should be pro-gun-owners' rights. If governing as a Republican, that is.

Enter yet another one-night dinner companion at Elaine's, Phil McConkey. Again it was John Mosely who made the introductions (some rich starfucker should hire Mosely at a seven-figure salary) and, like Pataki, McConkey turned out to be as nice a man as it's possible to be. We talked politics?yes, for once I was sober?and to my delight Phil turned out to be a lifelong conservative. A U.S. Naval Academy graduate, NY Giant star, hero of 1987, McConkey is as good as it gets. He doesn't believe in forcing workers to unionize and opposes increases in state spending. He believes in economic growth generated by tax cuts. As Phil put it, "George Pataki governed like Ronald Reagan the first four years and then morphed into Nelson Rockefeller." Finally, McConkey, a former Navy pilot, sees the hypocrisy in Pataki when the Governor joins those phonies in opposing the Vieques bombing.

Well, here is this dream candidate: brave, honest, intelligent, a man who has proved his mettle under pressure, someone who is sure to deliver, yet he's nowhere in the polls. This is because New York is a state that elects those who supposedly represent aggrieved minorities, and as everyone knows, everyone is a minority nowadays. This is the very bad news. The good is that in the past 25 years, no Republican has won statewide in New York without the endorsement and nomination of the Conservative Party. There are only about 150,000 conservative members, but if 76,000 voted against Pataki he would be in deep shit. And if McConkey were drafted and beat Pataki in a party primary, he would really endanger George's reelection chances. This, again, is the bad news. Because let's face it, I'd much rather have Pataki as governor than Andrew Cuomo, a big-spending liberal who?like his bug-eyed father?thinks everyone should work hard so he can redistribute their hard-earned money to those fellows inclined to vote for him.

In case the great McConkey refuses to run, I have another sneak candidate, Willy von Raab. Now before you start shouting anti-German slogans, Willy is an ex-New York University vice-president, an ex-Reagan administration official?he was head of Customs?and he is married to one of America's richest women. (She owns the state of Georgia, but allows strangers to live there and also to travel through it.) Willy is a hell of a fellow; among his other achievements he was also my lawyer when I decided to cut my losses and separate from a fat fool of a brother. There is even a precedent: Teddy Roosevelt served as a customs official before becoming governor.

Gov. von Raab has a cool sound to it. If it took Bloomberg 70 million big ones to become mayor, it should take Willy 170 to become governor, a mere bagatelle in Lucy von Raab's piggy bank. Last time I spoke to Willy he was worried about Ascot?that's in Blighty?because I had not as yet applied for my pass. When I mentioned his candidacy he pretended not to hear me, but when a potential candidate pretends not to hear, he's already running.

Phil McConkey, a true hero, is my first choice, followed by Willy von Raab, a giant among the midgets in Washington, DC. But I won't be holding my breath. The system is stacked against my kind, so I will just grin and bear it on my new yacht.

On a completely different subject, I've had an enormous amount of mail on the subject of Germany winning World War I. Most of it has been very positive, because let's face it: the horrors of the 20th century can mostly be attributed to that ghastly war. One writer, Tom Coffey, I tried to thank but did not have his return address. Coffey's theory was a tour de force, blaming the effete and neurotic Austrians for not reacting immediately after the assassination of the Crown Prince, and pointing out how the war reflected the ancient and enduring enmity in the West between the Gauls and Saxons. This is such a good topic I might return to it soon.

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