More than One Type of Blood Sucker

Make text smaller Make text larger

bedbugs have a lot in common with their tea party brethren

by malachy mccourt

concomitant with the rise of the tea party, we are now infested with the rise of that disgusting horror known as the bedbug. some people would rather deal with al-qaeda than the newest threat to our city. very little is known about this verminous addition to our society except that it likes living with humans, particularly conservatives, as their blood has the bitterness quotient bedbugs need.

our state government recently passed a law requiring landlords to reveal the history of bedbug infestation in any building or apartment they have for lease or rent. i can't imagine landlords revealing anything about their closest relatives: the bedbug.

when i was a resident in some of the more colorful slums of limerick, ireland, we were hosts to all manner of bedbugs. my brother frank wrote in vivid prose about how he and my father carried a mattress from the dreadful room we had moved into and beat it till clouds of bedbugs lost their hold and tumbled to the wet pavement.

having fleas was also a cause of great shame in holy limerick, as it was attributed to having a dirty home. you were not allowed fleas, lice or tuberculosis because you would be destroyed by the vicious whispering gossip of your catholic neighbors. we moved from room to sordid room, accompanied by armies of hoppers, as my mother called them. some people said you couldn't have fleas and lice at the same time. they were wrong. we had everything that walked, crawled or flew. on any given morning, one look would indicate that measles had broken out during the night and dotted our fair skins.

my father refused to acknowledge the bugs' existence except when nagged to do something. my mother spent hours catching them and crushing them on her thumbnails, but it was impossible to imagine an itch-free, bite-free night in any of our crowded beds.

most people keep dogs, cats, birds and goldfish as household pets. our pets were the aforementioned vermin, with whom we were on very intimate terms. in some cultures, men cut their thumbs and mingle their blood in order to become blood brothers. our bugs just helped themselves. the result is that the mccourts are blood brothers to a vast number of the vermin world.

the bible tells us that jesus wore a seamless robe, which kept the lice and bugs in a state of frustration, as they like to hang out in seams. where else do they reside?

beds, of course, as well as armchairs, and the film industry is quite annoyed that bedbugs are slipping into cinemas without paying one dime. bedbugs love to travel and they are frequent flyers, much to the chagrin of the airline industry. they also hop rides on the most luxurious limousines to some of the best hotels in these united states. they snuggle in your luggage and disembark at the nearest bed, where frequently they meet the love of their lives and settle down for a while, particularly if it's the honeymoon suite.

as they are a somewhat benign mini-terrorist, you won't get much sympathy if you call on homeland security to help repel them.

however, there is a sure method of killing bedbugs.

a. secure two small blocks of wood 2" x 2".

b. catch a bedbug.

c. place the bedbug on one block of wood.

d. strike said bedbug with the other block of wood.

e. repeat with all other bedbugs until they are all dead.

i would advise against letting bedbugs into your house even if you are a tea party member, because they don't vote and they bite you even when you feed them and they lay eggs all over the place. as well as that, they are always off somewhere, at the movies, on a jet, in an armchair, in other people's luggage, at a luxury hotel, synagogue, mosque or church. and they will use you as a walking atm for blood.

bedbugs are not nice and i think they should be deported to a place that is without blood. any conservative state will do.


check my website and read malachy mccourt's history of ireland.

Make text smaller Make text larger




Subscribe to our mailing list

* indicates required
Neighborhood Newsletters