#25 and Climbing

Thank you for including me in your list of the 50 most loathsome people in New York. It is a true privilege. I sincerely hope there will be some sort of party to commemorate this honor.

While I find it interesting that people who’ve never met me feel so free to write about me and my fashion habits (steal from Tricia Romano much?), I would like to respond to several of your comments:

1. I don’t have a flat ass–while not quite a bubble-butt, my ass has been one of my few bodily features that both men and women have commented on in a positive manner over the years–you may feel free to have a closer look, or to kiss my ass, whichever you prefer.

2. As for waving my hands in the air, not only can I outdance any of the authors of your little list, I can outdance just about anyone you put in front of me. So throw on some Parliament or some old James Brown or Marshall Jefferson, or even a little 50 Cent or Bob Marley, and place your bets. I’ll bust up anyone you throw at me unless their real job is for Dance Theatre of Harlem (and lest you think I’m self-delusional, just this morning my two-year-old son insisted that I dance to the Elmo song).

3. As for "tattling on competing clubs," there are so many things I could say, I don’t know where to start. But rather than school you on the fact that I did my "tattling" publicly rather than skulk to the nearest payphone and call in a "hazardous, overcrowding situation" to the local firehouse–as do some of my esteemed competitors–perhaps, as part of your edification process, you should suck on this:

The closest analogy for simpletons such as yourselves is to taxi medallions. As you may or may not know, the number of medallions has not changed since the 30s–as such, they have increased in value such that they now trade for in excess of $300,000 if not more. People put their life’s savings into them and work their asses off because they have a protected niche. Now, what do you think would happen if, tomorrow, Mayor Bloomberg decided to no longer enforce the medallion law and tripled the number? Would that be fair to the guys who’ve been busting their asses for 12 hours a day and have their entire bankroll wrapped up in their medallion? I’m guessing even sub-morons such as yourselves are shaking your heads "no."

So, when licensed operators such as Lotus and others, who spend years searching for spaces that are "licensable," raise millions of dollars from people who trust them, then spend tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers, expediters and safety systems to meet the cabaret codes, and then devote 60 to 80 hours per week for years to establish their brand, wake up to find out that the city has decided not to enforce the laws anymore, you might be able to comprehend that this is somewhat disturbing.

The only fact that makes the analogy imperfect and the scenario even more infuriating is that, unlike taxi licenses, there is no predetermined, finite number of cabaret licenses in New York. All someone has to do is take the time to find a neighborhood where the use is allowed (we spent three years) or buy out an existing space and fulfill the code obligations, and–voila–a new cabaret is born. But no, you think it’s fair that people should short-circuit the system, cheat, play the city and licensed operators for the chump, and be rewarded for it all in the name of your "party."

Sorry, you’re full of shit. Our revenues at our other venue, Union Bar, are off 30 percent, but have we resorted to hiring promoters and turning it into an illegal cabaret? No, because that wasn’t the game we signed up for in that location. We did our research, looked at the possibilities, and made a business decision. So why should I shut up and sit back and let others who make poor business decisions (or worse, know the situation and decide they can beat the odds and win by cheating) damage my business or our industry’s image in the communities?

See, that’s the other point you geniuses fail to grasp–if you ever attended a community board meeting (as part of my loathsomeness, I sit on CB5), you would know that one of the most bitter issues is that of neighborhoods that have been lied to by operators who promised a restaurant, who then opened an unlicensed club the moment they got their liquor license. So, a vicious cycle is perpetuated–where it is difficult for any young operator to get licensed (actually impossible now in Soho due to the damage caused by Spy and the old Chaos) because of community anger and distrust. So are you now going to tell me that Michael Ault and David Sarner are providing a valuable service to New York and furthering art and expression?

If you actually did any research beyond stealing from the Village Voice, you might know that I’ve stated repeatedly in public that a) I would support a phase-out of the dancing restrictions if it was over a reasonable period of time so that people who have invested time and money in reliance on a system not of their own design have adequate time to recoup their investment; and b) I (and the New York Nightlife Association) also support an "incidental dancing exception" to the cabaret law whereby 10 or 15 people dancing in the corner of a bar somewhere would not constitute some sort of "movement violation."

But finding that out might have required a little original research and work, which I wouldn’t want you to have to trouble yourselves with. And we all know that plagiarism is oh-so-much simpler.

I work too fucking hard for some half-baked "journalists," who not only can’t outdance me, they can neither out-think nor out-write me, to take potshots at me.

So, thanks for making me #25–I only hope to move up on the list next year. Maybe I’ll actually buy a leather coat instead of accepting one as a gift and perhaps that will get me a few notches higher. Keep up the penetrating and beneficial investigative journalism. All the best.