Bash Compactor: Bowery Bums

Dick Velour, in dark sunglasses and leopard print socks with white wingtips, pulled down his bright red g-string, stretched his ballsac out until it was unrecognizable, and proceeded to bounce his penis up and down on top of it furiously. “Have you ever seen a squirrel jumping on a trampoline?” he asked the audience. This was not, as you might assume, the talent portion of the Mr. Lower East Side pageant, a sort of beauty pageant which was held on Wednesday night at the Bowery Poetry Club. It was the swimsuit competition.

The 13 men who gathered to contend for the venerable title of Mr. Lower East Side were competing in three categories: talent, swimsuit and a combination evening wear/Q&A portion. The audience rated each contestant and a computer—The BallSac 3000—computed the answers.

"It started as a way to totally objectify men, in the most un-slick way possible," said Reverend Jen, the brains behind the pageant. "This pageant speaks of an insanity and creativity that should be all of Downtown New York, not just the Lower East Side."

Reverend Jen has been holding the pageant for the past 12 years. Though it’s changed locations several times, it’s still very similar to the event that first started out with, as one contestant reminisced onstage, four contestants and six audience members, all of whom had all walked out by the end of the night.

“Well,” Reverend Jen told me when I asked her how much the event had changed, “people put a little more thought into it.”

As was evidenced by the intricacy of the performances, like when contestant Mangina had a friend insert a vibrator into his prosthetic vagina, or when balloon artist Gentleman Scumbag had sex with himself wearing a giant balloon penis around his waist and a giant balloon vagina, complete with a clitoris, around his face. Amato, the reigning champion from last year, performed a balloon striptease and then hammered a screwdriver into a beer can attached to his crotch, gyrating and showering the audience with the resulting spray. Fritztastic painted a face around his penis, complete with eyebrows and sunglasses, and did a dance with a maraca wand inserted in his butt.

"I hardly ever do anything with clothes on," contestant Tommy D. told me. He spent the entire pageant clothed in nothing but shoes and socks, except for the evening wear competition, during which he also donned a belt. His talent was bouncing, naked, and delighting as the audience members watched his 53-year-old frame jiggle.

“The events tonight are proof that there is a very vital arts scene here on the Lower East Side,” The Masked Poet told me.

Audience members seemed to agree, as they crowded every available space and lined the stage, often erupting in chants of “Show us your balls!”

"Last year a man stuffed his penis into his ass," said audience member Julia Hebner, explaining why she’d come that night. "I’m sold."

In the end, Velour won the award for best ballsac and Naked Man won for best man boobs. Amato, last year’s winner, took third place (“Mr. NoLita”) and Fritz won second (“Mr. Tribeca”).

Moonshine became a three-time winner of the title of Mr. Lower East Side, being crowned with the crown of cardboard and beer cans (the detachable bong had gone missing from last year). He had performed a striptease, wearing glitter and green netting, to “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid.