Bash Compactor: Moaning in the Morning

Saturday mornings for me always evoke cartoons, but last week I started my Saturday morning with Moaning. It’s not what you’re thinking; I’m talking about Jonté Moaning, the sprightly dancer, singer and personality. This dude is the real deal. Get this: His first big dancing gig was with Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl the time she showed her nipple. He’s appeared with Madonna and choreographed Beyoncé. And on this morning, he was coming to my health club to give me a private dance lesson.

I’m not bad on the dance floor if you don’t mind a hot mess of crazy jumping, kicking and hair tossing. But would I be up for Jonté? “Bitch You Betta!” That’s the title of one of his best-loved videos. “He’ll be joined by his team, Creative Director Crayon Lee & Fashion Director Kooan,” read the email prepping me for him. Yikes! But it all worked out for the best.

“I’m not a morning person, either,” he confessed, airily arriving in a casual Michael Jackson look, with a military cap and jacket.

So what’s his story? Unusually modest, he makes it sound easy. “I came to New York from Portland, Oregon, on August 11, 2001, a month before 9/11,” he said. Now he’s finishing up a new album and, like the Tom Waits song, he’s big in Japan. Speaking of cartoons, with his perfectly molded body and exotic glam, he’s as unreal as Gumby.

Of course, everyone in the health club was wondering what incredible pop star was in their midst. “So, how about the dance lesson,” Jonté prodded me. Uh oh. Moment of truth in front of the mirror. “Put your foot like that, your hands like that,” he demonstrated gracefully. I tried to follow the moves but kept going off on the wrong foot.

Any suggestions to improve? Crayon told me she’d get me a copy of his instructional video from his show at Santos Party House later that week. But Jonté had the answer. His eyes twinkling behind the aviator shades, he told me, “Just enjoy the ride and scream with me, ‘My pussy’s on fire!’”