Bash Compactor: Shore Thing

The wonderful thing about Jersey Shore is being able to watch eight (or seven after that weird chick who wore those upper-arm bands left) shining examples of American youth drink, smoke menthol cigarettes, fight the beat and continue to stretch the definition of the word “shirt” from the comfort of your own home.

’Cause let’s face it, I think J-Woww is a delight and DJ Pauly D has a certain je ne sais quoi, Jonté but if I were ever in a bar and saw a lady cartwheel into a back bridge, I would be none too happy. This is why I should not have made the trip to SideBAR last Thursday for the Jersey Shore look-a-like contest. The imitators are much, much worse than the real thing.

“You should just call me Mark Wahlberg, ’cause I’m ‘The Happening,’” a gentleman announced to no one at all as I walked into the bar. He was joined in a corner with pal Matt ‘The Fort’ Lee, a roughly 95-pound man in black wife beater, floral shorts and my grandmother’s sunglasses, bearing no real resemblance to any specific cast member. Things only got worse for Matty-boy when he took to the stage and one heckler, whom I really wanted to buy a drink, screamed: “You’re a hipster, you skateboarded here.” Things went better for his friend Christopher, whose midriff-bearing beater and wrap-around shades landed him a spot in the final three. Even more important? Christopher, aka “The Education,” was unemployed.

Just like the entire cast of Jersey Shore! Also securing a place in the final three were two Snooki look-a-likes: Shanna Banana and Emily Bellini. Bellini made a Snookin' for Love joke (over-played) while Banana seemed like the clear-cut winner, as she was attractive, thin and wearing what appeared to be a sports bra. She also insisted on jumping non-stop. She did do a cartwheel on stage but, as is often the case with really, really pretty people, it was not annoying.What was annoying was Matt ‘The Fort’ Lee and his friends, a J-Woww’er and ‘The Happening,’ who were now going on hour three of fist pounding in the at-capacity bar. I knew things were bound to get even worse when I saw that a Monster promotion was going on and cans were being passed to everyone. I prayed the judges, two dudes and a lady whose scoring system seemed to make no logical sense, would come to a swift decision. And they did! For… ‘The Education!?’ Really? The prize it turns out was $500, making me wish my fun, employed self had stopped drinking long enough to put on some self-tanner and spike my hair but, alas, there is always next time.