Bash Compactor: Third Rock From Uranus

| 11 Nov 2014 | 02:14

    Surprisingly there was no line when I arrived at VANDAM, 1980s nightlife icon Susanne Barsch's new Sunday party at environmentally friendly club Greenhouse. By 11:30, the place was already packed with smartly dressed party kids, freaks and drag queens. "Thank you for coming tonight, give me a call,” Bartsch intoned Teutonically in my direction, the vinyl flowers on her dress glistening. She must have been promising a chat to promoter Ladyfag, wearing only hair extensions that barely covered the front of her body.

    Ida Corr's "Let Me Think About It," a favorite of the gays, brought shouts of joy as the floor became even more crowded and every available surface was used for dancing. Floating above the crowd was co-host Kenny Kenny, who wore a half a pair of suit pants, his one exposed leg covered in a fancy knit stocking.

    Barely into my own glass of wine, I smiled at a gent wearing a top hat covered in string lighting and a sleeveless fur cape; his tongue was on my face before I could say "suspenders." "I made it myself," said vaguely muscled 40-something Christopher. "I was a go-go boy for Susanne 20 years ago." I escaped just as "Absolutely Flawless" by The Ones came on.

    Stupidly believing the downstairs to be a haven from horny gays, the fumes of cigarettes and weed wafted past me along with waves of deep house. I bumped into the Cockney tranny mess Lavinia Co-Op, she pulled tresses of ratted hair out of her made up face as she quipped, "Susanne looks so cheap, decked out in fake flowers." My first new friend of the evening! Joking about wildly was promoter Chuck Attix in his usual state: totally fucked up.

    Lavinia wasn't my last new acquaintance—back upstairs red negligee-sporting Yo Bukake dangled the fringe hanging from her red parasol all over my face. "Isn't it wonderful?" she asked, whipping her top off and revealing perfectly sculpted breasts to Culture Club's “Karma Chameleon.”

    My heart skipped a beat in the vestibule as I recognized Mysterious Skin star and former child actor Joseph Gordon Levitt, the only person at the party who didn't claim to know Susanne. Just leaving with fellow Slava's Snow Show producers David J. Foster and Jared Geller, he very graciously discussed Francophilia and his creative projects, but then, mistaking Bash Compactor for US Weekly, ended with "I have this thing about reporters writing about the social lives of actors…"