Critical Mess

Tired of not being able to trust music critics? There's a fabulous new website that reports on the most pathetic sell-outs currently sliming their paths through music journalism. You can certainly trust ReviewYou.com to be accurate, too. After all, they're the creepy publicists who are paying off those douche bags.

Just look at how ReviewYou.com explains things in their FAQ: "Review You was founded by music publicists who have been getting press for both major label and independent bands for over 15 years. So, we have established relationships with music journalists who cover all genres from coast to coast."

Yep, these clever publicistsspecifically, Ariel Publicity of New York Cityhave learned exactly which critics will put their opinions up for sale. That's why ReviewYou can guarantee that bands will get "a well written CD review to show to promoters & record labels and to add to your website and press kit."

But, hey, don't think that ReviewYou is promising that you'll get a good review in return for your $19.99. Here's how they vouch for their integrity: "Please note we can't guarantee that your CD review will be 5 stars [but] we will make sure the writer we assign you is well versed in your musical genre and is willing to write a constructive criticism."

How's that for a sly assurance? As any spineless editor will explain, "constructive criticism" is simply another way of saying, "Let's put the best possible spin on this crappy record."

A good music critic, of course, would then piss on the editor's desk. A bad music critic takes the assignment and gets to workfor ReviewYou.com. The site is considerate enough to list them all, too. Here's your rundown of hit-parade harlots, along with their credentials:

Joann Ball (San Diego City Beat/SLAMM Magazine); Derek Beres (Village Voice, Relix); Shaun Dale (JazzReview.com); Aaron Kayce (aka "The Kaycman," of JamBase.com, Signal to Noise); Dave Kirby (Village Voice, Colorado Daily); J. Poet (No Depression, Harp, Miami New Times); Jenn Young (The Daily Athenaeum); Ben Varkentine (Ink 19, Popmatters); Kristi Singer (Wilmington Star-News, "a division of the New York Times"); Matt Rogers (Village Voice, New York Amsterdam News); Seth Rogovoy (Newsday, Boston Phoenix); Brian Sauer (of nothing much, really).

Thankfully, none of these losers have New York Press to their credit, though I'm sorry to see that Rogovoy has, like myself, written for Birmingham, AL's fine Black & White. That's not likely to happen again, though. As Black & White managing editor Kerry Echols notes, "I don't want our name on that site. That writer's making us a look like a bunch of whores."