Dategirl

I am a 38-year-old man. I have been married for several years. Although I do look at other women, I have been with enough of them before meeting my wife that I do not feel the compulsion to look for more sex outside of our marriage.

I am, however, wondering what it would be like to be with another guy. I find some men attractive and wonder if I get together with one, would it put my mind to rest or would it open up a whole can of worms?

Basically, I'm wondering if it is just as bad to fool around with a guy—experimenting with feelings that have come up recently—as it would be to fool around with another woman? I don't have a desire for full sex with a guy; that actually seems repulsive to me. My desire is for some kissing and touching and perhaps oral sex. Not anal sex.

I still get very aroused by my wife and love her and would never cheat on her with another woman. Do I suppress these urges or allow myself to find out if I like it or hate it?

Listen, Mary—you are what we in the advice biz refer to as an Issue Queen. You guys and the arbitrary lines you draw crack me right the fuck up. So Mister Trick can come in your mouth, but not in your ass? One orifice is dandy, the other repulsive? I got news for you, honey: Oral sex is "full sex."

So yes, it's absolutely just as bad to cheat on your wife with a man as it would be to sneak around with another woman. A good gauge to use is that if you have to ask if something is "wrong," then it is. (Unless the question is along the lines of, "Would it be so wrong to buy Judy a basket full of pink peonies or perhaps some overpriced pampering products?" But then, you knew that.)

People always talk about suppressing their urges like it's a bad thing. Yet, if I didn't, say, suppress my urge to slap every deserving-of-a-wallop douche bag I stumble across each day, I'd be up on multiple assault charges—and what fun would that be? If I didn't force my lip zipped after overhearing yet another bed-headed, corduroy-slacks sportin', daddy-financed artiste gas on about his latest "project," I'd quickly gain a reputation as that crazy drunk lady who yells at people who aren't even talking to her. And if instead of having 311 on the speed dial, I fire-bombed the loudest, most filled-to-the-rafters-with-jackasses, abominable bar that ever lived (Royal Oak), I'd be locked in the pokey and therefore unable to help needy peeps such as yourself.

So you see, repression/suppression/whatever you call it—sometimes a guy (or gal) just needs to suck it up.

Speaking of sucking, there is only one way I can think of wherein you can explore your man-lust and avoid deceiving your wife: the threesome. There isn't a straight girl alive who hasn't been asked to participate in a three-way. Predictably, men generally come up with this idea as a way of getting in the pants of your hottest girlfriend. (FYI, we ladies are wise to this ploy.) But suggesting you bring another man into the mix just might tempt her into going for it. Sure, it may be a little unnerving watching another fella plug his meat into your bride (especially if he's working with more impressive equipment), but at least you'll be able to see if you like the hairy, sweaty reality that is bumping uglies with another dude.

Which brings me to my last point. I'm not buying this crap that you just—at 38—started thinking you might be attracted to your fellow man. Please. I understand that back home in the sticks it might've been awkward to admit to a yen for men, but you live in New York City. C'mon! If you suspected this might be the case, why marry a woman? I've dated enough closet cases and have enough friends with gay daddies (and not the well-adjusted gay daddies who are married to each other—I'm talking late bloomers) to know how hard this can be on a gal.

A friend told me about a closeted pal of his who is in a "relationship" with a rather mousey, unattractive woman. Predictably, Mr. Meany won't have sex with his alleged girlfriend, which prompted her to scribble a list of things she could do to improve herself—the thinking being that if she lost weight or dyed her hair another color, that might make her big gay boyfriend more likely to put it to her. Erm, no. She thinks he won't fuck her because she's too fat. The reality is, she could be Mary-Kate scrawny and he wouldn't stick it in her. The truly cruel part is that he does nothing to discourage her line of thinking because he's too much of a wuss to admit he prefers the company of men.

You say you're all lusty for your lady, so maybe you're just a bit bi. Or perhaps you're just wondering about making out with boys because you're bored, and picturing Alan Rickman trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey is a pleasant way to pass some time. The only person who really knows what's going on inside that noggin is you. I suggest you think long and hard (and deep! No, deeper!) about what it is you really want and then have a chat with the woman you married before you go off and do something (or someone) stupid. o