Dategirl

I'm an African-American man in my early forties. For as long as I can remember I've had a huge, deep fondness for vagina that has what I call "extra" labia minorainner vag lips that protrude and hang down outward from the vagina. My problem is I only want to be with a woman who has this type of vagina. Yet I cannot fathom how I can make this freakish need known without offending a woman.

Honestly, I go crazy even from looking at that type of vagina in the nudie mags or while watching porn vidz. Even among my peers, I cannot find another man who shares the same freaky fetish.

I get the vibe that most women who are built this way down below are more or less ashamed of their uniqueness! Most guys I know don't find it attractive either!

Dategirl, what's wrong with me? Why does my brain melt at the mere sight of large vagina lips in pictures or videos?

I want to let you know that I dated a woman nearly 10 years ago, who has labia lips that I could stretch and pull like rubber bands. I was in absolute heaven with her! Right up until she decided to up and marry her baby-daddy one year later and that ended everything. Everything, that is, except my constant nagging, growing need to chomp down on some extra labia of my very own.

You know the type of woman who's aware of her phat labia coochie, yet she's ashamed to let a brother know about her physical parts because she thinks he may not be interested afterwards? Well, that ain't me!

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my letter. I just don't know where to turn. I'd appreciate any help that you may give on this subject matter.

LL

Being a big fan of the elusive third nipple, I certainly feel your pain. At least a girl can do a surreptitious triple-titty check through the shirt before things get out of hand. Locating colossal cameltoe before the point of no return is a little trickier. It demands stealth, daring and an extra dollop of ingenuity. Obviously, you've come to the right place.

My first thought is that you become a gynecologist. But as you're already in your forties, by the time you got your medical license you'd be too old to get it up anyway. So maybe just purchase one of those t-shirts that have the words "Freelance Gynecologist" printed across the front. Wearing such a garment not only shows you're fashion-forward (and who loves fashion more than us gals?), but also highlights your refined sense of humor. We ladies love to laugh. And when we're giggling, we're more likely to drop trou for an impromptu mudflap inspection.

Another career opportunity I thought you might want to consider is that of the bikini waxer. Nothing like a twat's-eye-view to let you know if you're grooming Ms. Right. Plus, esthetician training takes way less time than med school, and as far as I know, there's no beauty school version of that pesky Hippocratic Oath to worry about. The only problem I foresee with this line of work is that I suspect many broads (not me!) would be a little uptight about having a dude pour hot wax on their twat.

I called the J Sistersrenowned for bringing the so-called Brazilian bikini wax to New York. It's a procedure I've never once been tempted to bother with (love me, love my pubes!), but I know many women swear by it. To see if there were a future in hair-removal for you, I spoke with Jonice, one of the sisters J.

"We have males with males, women with women," she clarified. "I don't want any men in the room [with the women]."

I got a little off-topic and started asking specifics of Jonice, like isn't it true they rip outI mean wax offeverything including all up in your delicate business and your buttcrack? "You come in here and get one so you know what you're talking about," she offered before giving me her cellphone number.

Okay, so perhaps that's not the career move for you either.

This month's Jane has a feature on women who willingly circumcise themselves. Reading that piece I finally understood the full-body flinch that men have when they see another guy get kicked in the balls. The author quotes one woman who let her dentist husband remove her labia because they decided they protruded out further than other women's. They also lopped off her clitoris after deeming that unsightly as well! This dentist mutilated your dream girl!

It's not just isolated nutters carving up their wives and girlfriends. Because the list of things women are supposed to feel insecure about is apparently endless, there are now plastic surgeons who offer procedures to "beautify" the vaginal area. This involves surgically reshaping (which must involve cutting) those extra-long labia that you are so fond of.

Perhaps you should take up a crusade against these quacks. You could form Operation Poontang Rescue. Make like those mental-case anti-abortion loudmouths and fashion a giant sign featuring a big, floppy twat. March outside an offending clinic and shriek offers to love these gals, labia and all. I'm sure that wacko lady who used to yell at people from her anti-porn table (but has now curiously moved onto saving pets) would be glad to join you. I would too, but I'm a little busy pondering the ethics of accepting a free bikini wax.