Dategirl
Wow. Smart and all man. I cant believe that foolish girl let you slip through her fingers!
I have to say, more than anything else you wrote, the thing that chapped me most was the whole "Im an asshole" disclaimer. Im gonna put out the eye of the next load who tries that one on me. Its as though any kind of noxious behavior you come up with can be excused because hell, weve been warned. Der. Be a grown-up. If youre a scumbag, then either quit it or go live a life of solitude elsewhere. Quit bothering womankind.
Approximately one million years ago I had an Aussie boyfriend who wore skirts and dyed his hair pinkeverybody thought he was a sister. But you know what? That boy was one of the most spectacular rides this girl has ever been on. I cried but hard the day he flew back to Sydney.
So you see, your gaydar is in need of a tune-up. You think this Mr. Fiancé is nelly because he doesnt want to engage in public sex acts while twenty of his closest friends look on and beat off? Hes a Friend of Dorothy because hed rather not watch buff sweaty men chase a ball around and writhe around on top of each other? Waitwhos the queer here?
After putting up with your macho drunk ass for however long, Im sure your ex was thrilled to meet someone who didnt open beer cans with his teeth or consider the lunchtime buffet at Pumps fine dining. But rest assured, youre dead wrong about his sexual proclivities. Guys like him are a rare breedtheyre the few, the proud, the Culturally Gay Straight Boy. CGSBs make the best boyfriends because theyll dance to the Pet Shop Boys, have a keen sense of style and consider good grooming of paramount importance. They give great gifts, understand youre not being manipulative when you cry and can actually pick out clothes that look cute on you. You can take them anywhere and theyll get along fine because they also have excellent table manners and social skills. And then when youre done dancing, shopping and hanging out with your mom theyll take you home and fuck you senseless. Which brings me to my next point.
Ill bet you didnt think there was much going on between those two between the sheets, did you? Ha! Wrong. For whatever reason, CGSBs are frequently loads hornier than your average knuckle-dragger. In fact, Ill bet hes fucking her right now. CGSBs are also better in bed. Way better. Unlike you, he probably cares if she gets off. Id guess he goes down on her (without being asked), knows where both her clitoris and g-spot are located and wouldnt dream of suggesting she get a boob job.
Its almost like CGSBs are gay from the waist up, straight from the waist down. In other words; the perfect man for a breeder broad. Your ex is a lucky damedont worry about her with this guy. Its the closet cases a girl has to watch out for. Those creeps are frequently angry, violent, enjoy questionable activities (like sports and bachelor parties) and couldnt throw a decent fuck if their life depended on it. Why? Because they should be fucking other men, but theyre too repressed to admit it. The truly ironic part is that most of the closet cases Ive stumbled across are also violently homophobic. Sound familiar? Thought so.
Theres nothing you could or should do to stop this wedding, so suck it up and keep yer yap shut.