Dategirl

Wow. Smart and all man. I can’t believe that foolish girl let you slip through her fingers!

I have to say, more than anything else you wrote, the thing that chapped me most was the whole "I’m an asshole" disclaimer. I’m gonna put out the eye of the next load who tries that one on me. It’s as though any kind of noxious behavior you come up with can be excused because hell, we’ve been warned. Der. Be a grown-up. If you’re a scumbag, then either quit it or go live a life of solitude elsewhere. Quit bothering womankind.

Approximately one million years ago I had an Aussie boyfriend who wore skirts and dyed his hair pink—everybody thought he was a sister. But you know what? That boy was one of the most spectacular rides this girl has ever been on. I cried but hard the day he flew back to Sydney.

So you see, your gaydar is in need of a tune-up. You think this Mr. Fiancé is nelly because he doesn’t want to engage in public sex acts while twenty of his closest friends look on and beat off? He’s a Friend of Dorothy because he’d rather not watch buff sweaty men chase a ball around and writhe around on top of each other? Wait—who’s the queer here?

After putting up with your macho drunk ass for however long, I’m sure your ex was thrilled to meet someone who didn’t open beer cans with his teeth or consider the lunchtime buffet at Pumps fine dining. But rest assured, you’re dead wrong about his sexual proclivities. Guys like him are a rare breed—they’re the few, the proud, the Culturally Gay Straight Boy. CGSBs make the best boyfriends because they’ll dance to the Pet Shop Boys, have a keen sense of style and consider good grooming of paramount importance. They give great gifts, understand you’re not being manipulative when you cry and can actually pick out clothes that look cute on you. You can take them anywhere and they’ll get along fine because they also have excellent table manners and social skills. And then when you’re done dancing, shopping and hanging out with your mom they’ll take you home and fuck you senseless. Which brings me to my next point.

I’ll bet you didn’t think there was much going on between those two between the sheets, did you? Ha! Wrong. For whatever reason, CGSBs are frequently loads hornier than your average knuckle-dragger. In fact, I’ll bet he’s fucking her right now. CGSBs are also better in bed. Way better. Unlike you, he probably cares if she gets off. I’d guess he goes down on her (without being asked), knows where both her clitoris and g-spot are located and wouldn’t dream of suggesting she get a boob job.

It’s almost like CGSBs are gay from the waist up, straight from the waist down. In other words; the perfect man for a breeder broad. Your ex is a lucky dame—don’t worry about her with this guy. It’s the closet cases a girl has to watch out for. Those creeps are frequently angry, violent, enjoy questionable activities (like sports and bachelor parties) and couldn’t throw a decent fuck if their life depended on it. Why? Because they should be fucking other men, but they’re too repressed to admit it. The truly ironic part is that most of the closet cases I’ve stumbled across are also violently homophobic. Sound familiar? Thought so.

There’s nothing you could or should do to stop this wedding, so suck it up and keep yer yap shut.