Don't Bother Me, I'm Crying

To console or not to console, that is the question By [Jeanne Martinet] It was, in fact, an incredibly sad movie. Nevertheless, when the lights came up I was somewhat embarrassed at just how wet my face was. (To tear up in a movie is one thing, but to have your entire face and neck streaked and puffy from weeping seems excessive, as if you are not intellectual enough or mature enough to have held your emotions in check.) So there I was, trying to wipe my face surreptitiously with the sleeves of my sweater, when a woman tapped me on the shoulder. I thought it was sad too, she said. Do you need a tissue? Ummm no thanks, I said, taken aback. The woman had been sitting behind us, and the fact that her own face was dry only increased my self-consciousness. Besides feeling that it was a little odd that a strange woman would be offering me a tissue, I also thought, Can"t she see I am trying to pull myself together? Doesn"t the fact that I"m crying indicate my need for personal space? But does it? I recalled a recent incident in the elevator of my building. I had noticed a woman who was teary eyed and I had said something like, Everything OK? (Admittedly a stupid question, as obviously everything was not OK. But it"s the kind of thing you say.) She told me she was having a bad day. I told her I was sorry and that I understood how she felt. We both left the elevator feeling better than we had before. To see someone crying in public is not uncommon in New York City, where everyone spends so much time in the company of strangers. In other places people can do their crying alone in their cars; here, the chances are that at one time or other, someone is going to lose it on a crowded bus, or on the corner waiting for the light to change. So just where is the line between respecting others" privacy and being a nice person? When should you address someone who is crying, and when should you leave her alone? A lot depends on the situation. An elevator in your own building is not really public ; the social boundaries are not the same as they would be in a strange elevator. And even though an elevator is an enclosed space and proximity can generate a certain amount of intimacy, your response also depends on h=the number of people present per square foot. For instance, if I see someone crying in my laundry room, and there are no other people around, I will try to help. However, if the laundry room is crowded, I might not risk embarrassing a person while he or she is surrounded by so many onlookers. The subway or bus, where many people are often jammed together, can make it even harder for a crying person who wishes to go unnoticed. I think it is usually best to give the subway crier the illusion of solitude. If your eyes should meet, you might smile gently, or offer the person a seat. But at the first sign of increased distress, or if her body language says, Leave me alone, you should do so. There is also the issue of Emotional Crying versus Emergency Crying. If someone is running down the street crying, looking lost, in trouble or physically hurt, I consider that to be Emergency Crying and, as such, it needs to be answered. It is virtually a cry for help. However, Emotional Criers's people who have become overwhelmed by events in their lives and just happen to be out in public when it all catches up to them's often should be left alone. A person may be just barely holding it together and your offer of sympathy may turn them into a blubbering mess. Just why are we so embarrassed to reveal our pain in public? Is this a sign of good boundaries, or are we too inhibited? Even getting caught crying in the movies's which is really not even personal, as you are (presumably) merely responding openly to the art's is uncomfortable for most of us. (I know one man who categorically refuses to go to sad movies because he has such a phobia about it.) When the lights come on, and you are the only person still sniffling, it"s a little like getting caught in public with your clothes off. In both cases, it feels better when others pretend not to see. _ [ Jeanne Martinet](http://www.JeanneMartinet.com/), aka Miss Mingle, is the author of seven books on social interaction. Her latest book is a novel, Etiquette for the End of the World. You can contact her at[ JeanneMartinet.com.](http://JeanneMartinet.com)