Envy

ENVY OPENS FRI., APRIL 30 THERE WILL SOON be a constitutional amendment forcing Hollywood to release a new Ben Stiller movie every month. Each of these movies will play for exactly one month in the multiplex, garner lukewarm reviews and quietly give way to the next Ben Stiller movie.

I'm sure Stiller will be happy with that. In fact, I think he's lobbying the Senate right now. The little bastard's Komodo dragon-sized ego has been hidden behind a Potemkin village facade of gen-X character-cliches for too long. All of his practiced self-loathing, his affected earnestness, his curveball attempt to convince us that he's "anti-cool"-

I know too many assholes in my generation who play that same game. Just look for the liar who brags, "I don't take myself too seriously." Whenever some gen-Xer says, "I don't take myself too seriously," trust me, there's a Komodo dragon ego just waiting for the right moment to snap your hand off.

Starsky and Hutch, which was released just as Stiller's previous semi-flop Along Came Polly disappeared, is beginning its unceremonious withdrawal from suburbia's multiplexes, so it was no surprise to see the preview for Stiller's next vehicle, Envy. According to the preview, Stiller's wacky nemesis, played by the eternally annoying Jack Black, gets rich by inventing a product called "Vay-Poo-Rize," which gets rid of dog shit. Get it? "Poo." He said "poo." If that's not a zinger, folks, then I don't know what is. "Poo!" The things they say in movies today!

Both the lone Arab male and the lone Asian male in my matinee chuckled. Actually, they were more like socialized grunts. Imagine a hyena wanting to know if he's stumbled onto the right pack-he lets out a cackle to make sure he doesn't get torn to shreds. The other jackals either approve or turn him into stew. These cackles in the dark, empty theater said, "Please don't hurt me, Mr. Stiller."

Much like everything else Stiller does (with the exception of the tweak classic Zero Effect), this preview was not funny at all. In fact, Stiller has become the gen-X answer to the not-funny adult comedy genre-which is why teaming up with director Barry Levinson for Envy makes so much sense. Ben Stiller is my generation's George Segal, and Envy has all the comic promise of those miserable Blake Edwards movies of the 70s.

We shouldn't be surprised. We cannot forget that Stiller is responsible for Reality Bites, among the greatest cinematic atrocities of our time. Had Stiller stumbled into my neighborhood after I viewed that movie, I would have Fallujah'd the creep: stone him to death, set him on fire and dance around his corpse ululating like a dead-ender.