Fair Play

When band names and album titles veer from the tried-and-true of tastefully oblique reference onto the thorny path of wordplay and (supposed) wit, they run the risk of popping their tires on their way to the hands of writers. That is to say, when you have a metastasizing pile of CDs you haven’t listened to tottering Pisa-like on your desk, listening to the one with the annoying band name and the Ha-Ha title is like diving into a bowl of Jolly Ranchers and consciously picking the morsel with anonymous hairs stuck to it.

But why should these lost lambs die of starvation when they could just as easily be brought to the sunny pasture? (Or shepherded to their slaughter, to keep the metaphor humming along.) As a testament to open-mindedness and fair play, here’s an analysis of the two most annoyingly named/titled bands I could find in the current New York Press CD stack.

Band name: Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head Album title: Glistening Pleasure

The Band Name: Dude, her head isn’t even shaved anymore. Bad idea to stake your band’s name on an insignificant cultural moment. Was V For Vendetta that interesting of a cinematic experience? Also, with the pure reference, you’re giving no clue as to how this might actually sound. Funny if it’s grindcore (note: everything’s funny if it’s grindcore), jarring, clunky and ill-conceived for anything else. The name also doesn’t submit to easy abbreviation. Saying NPSH is a bit awkward for quick reference (harder sounds are better for ending abbreviations), just calling it Natalie Portman could cause confusion and/or an eventual lawsuit. OK, I’ll admit Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head has a certain charm. Overall, a woefully ineffective name.

The Album Title: I don’t want to feel sticky after reading two words. Again, if the goal of the band is to gross me out sonically as well, we might have a deal, and this single character addition might reveal more than just five syllables of ickyness. Notice how the album title bumps against the band name and grossens it up? That’s effective naming synergy, and it’s the only coup of this otherwise abrasive and obnoxious mess.

What It Sounds Like: It seems like a bunch of 19-year-olds dressed up as gaudy warehouse rednecks playing electro sex jams: all party electro, all annoying. They really like sex, but in a way that shows not a one of them has needed an antibiotic prescription or paid for an abortion…yet. I guess since they were 16 when V For Vendetta came out it must have seemed like the biggest thing to ever hit the suburbs of Seattle, which explains the name. Kudos are awarded to them for refusing their native flannel heritage and getting down.

Band name: Dream Bitches Album Title: Coke-and-Spiriters

The Band Name: When you throw in a naughty word like “bitch” and attach “dream,” my hope is that you would have a sleazy gang of R&B/hip-hop maneaters a la Betty Davis. But it seems more likely that you have some twee darlings playing a joke. The name gets more annoying in conjunction with the cover, which features a kiddie scrawl font (just like middle school) and two weird cat photos. Makes me think of knitting circles and cat ladies—with a splash o’ tude.

The Album Title: Perhaps too witty for its own good, with the alcohol friend’s reference. A sacrifice of thematic foreshadowing with all those meanings. After reading it you think, “This is really cute,” in a sarcastic tone, and you don’t think about music.

What It Sounds Like: A bunch of Park Slope-seeming ladies (and a dude) doing literate, garagey tracks, with riot grrrl-derived female harmonies. Reasonable, non-intrusive and quirky. There’s a lot about drinking (proper tie-in to title, bravo!), and I bet they have really good cheese at their parties as well as a lot of inside jokes. The band is better than its name.