Gay Pride 2004

THE LIPSTICKS

They're here, they're queer, they're ready for their close-up. They're more interested in scoring a pair of Manolo Blahniks than Liberty season tickets. They'll be sipping cosmos at the Blue Whale instead of slinging back brewskis at Henrietta Hudson. They're the ones stuffing fivers into the thongs of the go-go gals at Meow Mix. These women want you to know that they are ladies.

THE NEWLYWEDS

They're registered at all the "right" shops: Bloomingdale's, Tiffany's, the Leather Man. The wedding in Ptown included a Unitarian Universalist lesbian and a queer Buddhist monk. They were the toast of their honeymoon Atlantis cruise. Now they have to ask themselves: Is there such a thing as an "open marriage"?

THE DJ

Time was, every kid wanted to become a rock guitarist. Not anymore. Put away the Les Paul and bring out the Technics SL1200MK5 direct-drive turntables. He'll be happy spinning in his room for hours, leaving only to make forays to Heartbeat or to check out Junior's latest incarnation. Ask him if he's actually played anywhere, and he'll tell you: "I don't want to sell out."

THE EAST VILLAGER

Three earrings, all in one ear. Pasty complexion. Bizarrely placed body hair. Black hair, dyed to look even blacker. A cigarette-always a cigarette-drooping from a lower lip. The East Villager has cultivated this look ever since he moved here to attend NYU. Since then, he has been frequenting poetry slams, super-8 film fests and any party promoted by Daniel Nardicio. He still lives in the same East Village apartment, though, courtesy of his parents. Hey, it takes a lot of money to live in a slum in New York!

THE TWEAKER

Oh yes yes yes just like that only wait move a little bit more that way oh man that looks so hot no wait a little bit more over there and a little bit down oh that looks great you are so hot I am so into you I can't believe we're together I think I'm falling in love with you hey let's smoke a little more where's the pipe what do you mean we're all out we just scored more shit oh man. Um, I'm getting tired. I think I'll call it a night.

THE PIONEERS

The Pioneers are big-city versions of Lewis and Clark-forever on the lookout for the next hot neighborhood. You'll usually find them sweeping crack vials out of a brownstone or lugging halogen pinpoint track lights from an elevated subway platform. They're the ones who made the Village and Chelsea-then Hell's Kitchen and Harlem and, soon, Washington Heights-the hot properties they are now. They've got a lot to answer for.

THE PROUD PARENTS

Well, you know, when we adopted him, we knew we would love him, but we never thought that we could become so attached. Until he was toilet-trained, we couldn't take him anywhere. But now he does everything with us. During the day? Oh, we drop him off at day care. Oh sure, he gets along fine with everyone. Except for Dave and Rob's Rottweiler. Oh, did he make a mess on your sofa? Well, you've probably frightened him.