Hung by his own petard

PARENTS AND the tabloids alike were shrieking with moral outrage and righteous indignation last week over the actions of 24-year-old Brooklyn music teacher Jason Schoenberger.

As we've all heard countless times, Schoenberger, in the latest of a series of practical jokes he and kindergarten teacher Rayna Cohen were playing on each other, hung five-year-old Imhotep Lubin from a coat hook in the closet in order to scare his teacher when she opened the door.

Well, it sure worked all right, and sent Cohen screaming to the principal, who then called the cops.

The incident took place on Thursday, March 25. Schoenberger was arrested the following Monday. On Tuesday, Imhotep's family announced a $5 million lawsuit against the city's Education Dept. And on Thursday, Schoenberger was arrested a second time after another student came forward to say that he'd been hung in the closet earlier in the day (but taken down when the teacher didn't return soon enough).

By the time news of the lawsuit hit the papers on Wednesday, the language surrounding the initial story and little Imhotep's condition changed considerably. While everyone admits (reluctantly) that the kid was not physically hurt in any way, according to the Daily News he was "terrified" when Cohen discovered him in the closet. He'd been "strung up," according to NY1, "in a closet with no lights for five minutes." And according to the Post, little Imhotep has vowed "revenge." His parents and the tabs agree that he was traumatized by the incident, does not want to return to school and is now under the care of a psychologist.

(One recommended by their lawyer, no doubt.)

Know what? We don't buy it. Not one word.

We accept the fact that the world is very different now from when we were in kindergarten. We also realize that our society has been spawning generation after generation of whiners and sissies—many of whom are now raising their own whiners and sissies. But come now—what five-year-old wouldn't relish and willingly jump at the chance to scare his kindergarten teacher? Especially if another teacher is helping him do it?

Did little Imhotep kick and struggle when Schoenberger picked him up? Did he scream for help while he was in the closet? Not according to any reports we've seen. He didn't do any of these things because it was a harmless, funny prank, right up until the point his kindergarten teacher opened the door, and he scared her, and she lost her shit and ran to the principal. That's when little Imhotep got scared and traumatized—when the kindergarten teacher went all crazy and started yelling, not when he was in that dark closet for five minutes. Up until that time everything was cool. Then things got even worse when he got home, and his folks lost their shit and started calling lawyers and shrinks.

If Imhotep is traumatized, it's not because of anything Schoenberger did—it's the result of everything that followed. Of course, two weeks under the care of a shrink should guarantee he forgets all that.

What's criminal about this whole thing isn't a young teacher who has fun with his students—it's adults who see any form of play as a danger and a threat, and who are willing to exploit their children to make a quick and dirty buck.