I am a bad person I am a bad ...

I am a bad person. I have been in a relationship for four years with a great guy?he's an excellent boyfriend, but he just doesn't do it for me anymore. He's my best friend, but that's not enough.

I would love to sever our sexual/romantic ties and just be his best friend. However, he once said to me that he could not be my friend if I broke up with him. I've stayed with him because he is my closest friend, and I don't want to hurt him. Meanwhile he complains that I'm not affectionate enough. How can I make it so that we stop having sex, but keep being friends?

?Sad & Bad

You can't. A month or so ago I fired someone I'd been banging for the better part of a year. I lowered the boom when I found myself liking him too much. His reputation had preceded him, so I'd known from jump that this was a very, very bad idea, but girls can be stupid. Or at least this girl can be. I reckoned I'd give him the chance to either make the right choice (fall in love with me, forsaking all others) or go away.

Predictably, he selected Option B, and after a fairly humiliating conversation punctuated by sobs (mine), and awkward silences (his), we agreed to end things. He asked if we could remain friends, but I told him that seeing him would do my head in, and that he couldn't be in my life on any level. (Plus, I know what a big slut I can be and wanted to avoid any painful backsies.) Because of that, I made certain that I was very clear about the "go away and stay away" portion of our conversation. Even though the next couple days were spent shuffling around my apartment in deep mope, I knew I'd done the right thing. I was feeling heaps better when, two weeks later, I opened my mailbox to find a peppy little birthday card from him. My head promptly exploded.

The reason behind this extremely self-involved diatribe? To illustrate that you can't always get what you want. If you're the heartbreaker, kindness and civility dictate that you honor the heartbreakee's wishes. And like it or not, you're a heartbreaker. This doesn't make you a bad person?everybody dings a heart or two along the way. You're actually doing the right thing by freeing him up to find someone who'll like him and want to fuck him. It's too bad that you're losing your best friend in the process, but if you truly care about him you'll respect his request. The thing that would move you into the realm of bad personhood is if you ignore what he wants and continue sniffing around (or sending birthday cards) just to make yourself feel better.

Why is it that women are always complaining about the shortage of good men? I wouldn't classify myself as a charismatic romantic, but I do know that I'll continue to be single if I stay at home whining about being alone. Get out there as much as you can. Even smart and beautiful people with prestigious jobs need to take some initiative. How come men usually blame themselves for their lack of love and single women blame men for lacking intellectual capacity or emotional availability? We men usually don't need much more than a "Hi" to get us to start a conversation. Please expand on this for me, Dategirl. Maybe my search for love will be more fruitful.

?Matthew

Over the past year I have gone out on approximately 5039 dates. This may be a slight exaggeration, but think of it like dog years. Using my recent history as a guide, I can definitively conclude that there are indeed a few good men running around out there. They happen to be vastly outnumbered by their jackass brethren, but I have no doubt that there are at least six to ten good ones lurking about within the confines of New York City. (In the interest of fairness, I must point out that if the hell my straight male friends have gone through recently is any indicator, this city is experiencing no shortage of crazy fucking bitches either.)

Of these 5039 men I've dated, I have actively enjoyed hanging out with 12 or so, and count three as friends. Four of these 12 went on to seriously irk me and should flee the premises immediately if they are ever unlucky enough to find themselves in the same room as me. The missing five of the 12?I honestly don't know. That's a lot of math (and men), and I'm tired.

I don't know how you expect me to expound on this in a way that'll improve your love life. Dating is a sucker's game. More often than not, it's an exercise in abject humiliation, and when it's not it can be as excruciating as the worst job interview you've ever had, except sometimes you get laid instead of paid upon completion. How's that?