I Guest-Directed a Porn Shoot

The Pop

My Dad and I Visit a Porn Set

Author’s Note: Vivid Video, Hollywood’s leading producer of porn, wanted some publicity, and so I was flown out to L.A. to be guest-director of one of their videos, the idea being that I would write about the experience. I didn’t understand, though, why a porn company would want an amateur to screw up the screwing. It turned out that my role wasn’t really guest-director, but guest-gadfly, like a UN peace observer, which was fine with me. I didn’t feel qualified to direct porn: I can hardly take pictures with a throw-away camera. So the following is my report from the frontlines of porn, where I was joined for a few hours by my father, a porn fan and a senior citizen, who happened to be visiting L.A. at the same time.

Day 1, Dec. 4, 2001

The Setting: A soundstage in Chatsworth, CA–the Valley. The stage is the size of a warehouse and divided into small, fake rooms, primarily bedroom sets.

8:20 a.m. Conversation with Robby D, the director, who is a short, powerfully built fellow with a glistening shaved head, tattooed arms and a prankster’s smile.

"So, as you know, I’m supposed to be guest-director," I say, shyly. "I understand that’s to be a loose term." "I’ll probably mostly observe," I say, immediately capitulating.

"That’s a good idea," he says.

"But if it’s all right I’ll ask you questions, and sort of follow you around."

"Fine, ask whatever you want."

"So what does a director do?" I ask, stupidly, but you have to start somewhere.

"Fuck the chicks."

"Really?"

"Nah, you think I want to fuck these girls after they’ve been getting fucked all day? What do I do? A director has to know who to put on the bottom and who not. You have to know that this one guy, if he gets on his back, he loses wood. You have to know what people can do."

We are in the lounge, which has a table filled with snacks. Robby D eats a pop tart.

"There are some things in the scripts I was wondering about that don’t make sense," I say. I had read the screenplays–two movies are going to be shot in three days–on the plane ride out. Robby D cowrote them with a porn-writer named Beth Ann Rafael.

"That’s because it’s porn," he says. "I purposely leave holes in the script. Better to let the guy at home wonder what’s going on, fill in the spots himself. If you make it too clear, they don’t get it." ...

Synopses of the two films, C-Men: Pussies in Heat and C-Men 2: Bush Piggies.

•

In the first film, three superheroes are under attack from four female villains who look like cats. If a regular man makes love to one of these "bad pussies" he’s turned into a stuffed animal. The superheroes don’t get turned into stuffed animals, though, because of their superpowers, but they are in danger, and so they make all the bad pussies disappear when they ejaculate on them, and then in the film’s climax they make the bad pussy’s leader, Kitty Kat, blow up when one of the superheroes farts on her. In the second film, there are again villainous women, and in this one they look like pigs. After a man makes love to one of these pig-women, she aims her ass at him and his head blows up. The superheroes don’t blow up immediately–because they’re superheroes–but they get Tourette’s-like symptoms and eventually their heads will blow up unless they use their super-semen and superpowers to make the evil women, led by Panting Patty, turn into smoke.

...

8:50 a.m. Conversation in the lounge with Eric Masterson, porn actor, who bears a striking resemblance to the actor Matthew Perry. Many people in porn seem to be the double of someone in the other Hollywood. It’s an alternative universe–Hollygetwood.

•

"How’d you get into porn?" I ask. "My wife, Wendy Divine, got into it. So I was like if you’re doing it, I’ll do it." "Is this industry hard on you and your wife?"

"We just care about each other so much that we make it work. She leaves in the morning or I leave and we know what the other person is going to be doing–having sex with somebody else–and we say, ‘Have a good day.’ We’re just really in love."

"Do you ever work together?"

"Yeah."

"How’s that?"

"Good and sometimes not good. Good because we get into it, but then sometimes, like if I know she’s sore, I’ll feel bad about us having to do it, whereas with another girl, though I wouldn’t want to hurt her, I’m more like, ‘Well, this is what we have to do.’ But I feel bad if it’s my wife."

"Do you like doing porn?"

"For a guy it’s not easy. You have to be able to get wood when they tell you to get wood. But I get paid to get off, so I can’t complain."

"Do you worry about STDs?"

"We all get tested for HIV every 30 days. And for the bigger companies, like Vivid, it’s condom only. So I try to work mostly with places like Vivid... But sometimes someone will come up HIV-positive. So then they do a family tree to figure out who the person was with. And if you were with the infected person, you get quarantined and can’t work until the tests are all clear."

Mark the Saint, the skinny, rough-looking but kindly production assistant, walks up to us. "What are you guys talking about?"

"STDs," says Eric.

"We’ve all got ’em," says Mark. "I got one right here." He doesn’t indicate where, but it’s a good joke.

...

9:15 a.m. Conversation in dressing room with April, who will act in the first sex scene of the day. The makeup woman is putting on April’s pig-face.

•

April is 23, been in the business three years and has done hundreds of porn films. "I stopped counting after 200," she says. She has a beautiful lean body and a pretty face, though she has bad skin, but the makeup covers her acne pretty well.

"What do you think of today’s script?" I ask.

"Haven’t read it," she says, "but it should be easy. I only have a love scene."

My heart breaks a little when she says "love scene."

Robby D comes in the room and tells the makeup woman that April can’t have pigtails–they’re too suggestive of a young girl, which is illegal. The pigtails are undone and Robby has April try on her pig-snout. Pigtails: not okay. Pig-snout: okay.

"I look silly," she protests. "I can’t wear this."

"You have to wear it," Robby says. "It’s your character. You’re a bush piggy."

Robby D leaves the room; I follow him. He says to me, "The things you can get these girls to do."

"You mean put a pig nose on?"

"And take a dick in the ass."

Robby likes to be gruff, to shock, but mostly he’s joking around, playing a part–a coarse porn director.

...

10 a.m. Sex scene, Eric and April, a shabby, cheap-looking apartment set.

•

Eric is in a superhero outfit–blue and white cape, white tights and a blue tunic. April is wearing 6-inch heels and a fishnet body stocking–her fat pink nipples protrude through the fishnet and there’s a large hole cut out for her pussy. She’s wearing her snout and her pink pig makeup. She looks very sexy.

April says to Robby, "You using my favorite filter?" This must be a filter that doesn’t show the bumps on her face.

"Yeah, but you’re looking better. Just don’t pick your skin," he says sweetly. Then he feels her pussy to see if she’s wet.

April gets on the bed and has "pretty girl" pictures taken. These are still photos that are done before the girl’s makeup or hair is messed up or she has come on her. The photos are used for the video boxes, magazines, posters, etc.

Eric opens a small toilet case and pops a Tic-Tac. In the case are condoms, lube, Tic-Tacs, desensitizing cream and other items, probably some Viagra. It’s his kit that he takes on all shoots. He’s very professional.

The sex begins. Eric and April kiss. Then Eric goes down on April’s pussy; he’s still in costume.

"Give me some oinks," Robby D says to April. He’s manning the camera, which is propped on his shoulder. Several lighting crew guys stand around. Mark the Saint hovers with paper towels. Jim, a big building of a man, watches the action on a monitor, letting Robby know if things are in focus.

"I don’t know how to oink," she says.

Eric keeps eating her pussy.

"You have to oink," Robby says. "And put your fingers in your pussy and then in your mouth." She makes some good oinks and fingers herself while Eric licks her.

For a few minutes they shoot Eric eating her pussy at "soft" angles–for the softcore release of the film, which goes to Playboy and other outlets, so you only see the back of Eric’s head or April moaning; no genitals in soft. Then they shoot it for hardcore, with a big lamp, held by Jim Fillmore, the head of lighting, shined right on April’s pussy and the camera zooming in so you see everything–pink lips, clit, juice, saliva, Eric’s tongue.

"Open her up," Robby D tells Eric. "Let’s see the meat."

They finish the pussy-eating and Eric has to get out of his costume. April sits on the bed waiting. Robby D farts a couple of times. Everybody laughs. The farting aspect to C-Men 2, it occurs to me, is perhaps partly autobiographical.

Eric is struggling with his costume. April is bored.

"Jonathan," Robby D, says to me. "Go keep April’s pussy wet."

Everybody laughs. April smiles at me. If only. Then Robby D asks me, "What position do you want them in?" He’s playing along at my being a guest-director, but I’m at a loss.

"Well, I think it would be hot if they’re doing missionary and her arms are above her head and he could gently hold her wrists down."

"Can’t do it," Robby D says. "Can’t show a woman being restrained. And at that angle we wouldn’t get penetration. This isn’t like the sex you have at home. You have to know the laws and you have to think of camera angles."

Eric gets out of his costume. April gives him a blowjob. He doesn’t wear a condom for the blowjob. Robby shoots at hard and soft angles. Eric’s cock is pretty big, but not too big, which I find reassuring. Robby D asks April for a stringer–a line of spit that runs from her mouth to Eric’s cock.

After the blowjob, Robby D tells April to do a "reverse cowgirl." This means she sits on his cock with her back to him. Eric puts on a condom and lubes it up. April sits on him and I watch his cock slide right in her, no resistance.

After a few minutes of this, they go to doggie-style, but April has to stop.

"It hurts," she says.

"You sound like my wife," says Shylar. He’s a skinny, longhaired, unshaven fellow.

"How is Catherine?" Jim, the monitor guy, asks Shylar.

"Her back is fucked up," says Shylar.

Mark the Saint brings April some lube. Eric remounts her. They keep shooting. Then Robby D tells Eric to do a FIP–a fake internal pop–for the softcore sequence, which means he pretends to come inside April. Then Robby tells him for the hard to pull out and "jack and pop on her back and ass." Eric pulls out, struggles with the condom, but then successfully jacks and pops on April’s ass. The photographer takes a few quick pictures of the come, then Mark the Saint gives Eric a paper towel. Eric cleans himself and April, which seems very nice to me.

Then they have to do some dialogue from the script. This is when April is supposed to aim her ass at Eric and give him Tourette’s. Robby D instructs April: "You’re a villain. Be animated."

"I can’t," says April.

"Yes, you can," says Robby D.

"I’m a porn star, not an actress," says April.

"Just be animated."

"I don’t know what animated means."

I’m not sure if April is joking or not. They shoot the scene.

Afterward I ask April if she enjoyed the sex.

"It was all right," she says. "I like sex with my boyfriend better. I like to grind. But for the camera you can’t grind. You have to show penetration and sometimes the angles hurt."

"What’s your boyfriend think of you being in porn?"

"He’s a mainstream actor. He doesn’t like it. We don’t talk about it."

I ask her how much longer she wants to stay in the business. She says five years and then she wants to start a family. She goes to take a shower and Mark the Saint says to me, "This is your first time on a porn set, right?"

"Yes."

"Did you have to leave when they were fucking?"

I figure that he thinks I might have needed to vomit, like someone going to a morgue for the first time–it was strange to see another man’s cock sliding in and out of a pussy. And the pussy looked so vulnerable–stretched open, punctured. "No, I didn’t have to leave," I say.

"I can’t believe you didn’t get wood," he says and walks away.

Oh, that’s what he meant, I think. I wonder if something is wrong with me that I didn’t get wood. The sex didn’t affect me at all. I just felt bad for April. There was nothing erotic about it for me. But if it was my penis going in April, then that would have been erotic. Then I would have gotten wood. At least I hope so.

...

12:10 p.m. Parking lot. Conversation with Marty Romano, who will be in the next sex scene with the star of C-Men 2, Cheyenne, who is on the cover of December’s Penthouse. Marty is a big, tough-looking guy in his 30s–he’s a biker with dark brown hair, a goatee and many tattoos.

•

"Do you like working in porn?" I ask. "Hell yeah," he says, smoking a cigarette. "I get to have sex and I get paid for it. Women hardly sleep with me in the real world, but here I get to fuck somebody like Cheyenne."

"Do you ever worry about not being able to perform?"

"Nah, I love sex. And if I need to I can always take a Viagra. But with Cheyenne I won’t need shit. Some guys shoot cayberjack in their dicks. If I did that I could fuck the whole crew."

"What’s cayberjack?"

"This shit that makes your dick hard."

"How do you spell it?"

"I don’t know." (It’s actually called