I just graduated from college this past year and have ...

My problem is that my own repertoire of sexual experience is a bit thin. I got started early but then had a long romance with chemicals throughout much of high school and college. I would hook up every once in a great while, but being stoned or otherwise whacked out during a lot of these events, I didn't climb all that far up the sexual learning curve. After all, even a basic thing like making out doesn't seem so natural if you only get to practice a couple of times a year while high.

So now that I'm relatively sober and have my life together, I'm finding my lack of experience to be a hindrance with women. This became pretty obvious after a couple of instances in which the girl's interest in me dropped dramatically once we started making out. Obviously I should say something to any girl I would date about this. But when is the appropriate time to tell a girl that you don't really know what you're doing? At dinner/the bar/the coffee shop? On the walk home? While you're starting to hook up?

If you were out with a guy whom you weren't head-over-heels in love or lust with, but who seems intelligent and chill enough that you'd at least give some thought to making out with him on a couch somewhere, and then he told you that he didn't really know what he was doing?would that be a deal-breaker? I've polled some of my female friends about this and have gotten conflicting answers. So, any advice or stories you could share would be much appreciated.

?Willing Pupil

If you've got girls cutting and running after one makeout, I'm guessing you're probably a lousy kisser. This is not as big a deal as you might think, because there are millions of smooch-challenged guys running around out there?jamming their tongues down unsuspecting throats, clanging their teeth into yours and slobbering all over the place (and face). The good thing about you is that?unlike most of these shitty kissers?you acknowledge your shortcomings and are willing to learn. However, under no circumstances does this mean that you should inform potential dates that you're a sexual spaz attack. This, as in most cases, is an instance in which you should keep your mouth shut.

You asked what I would do (WWJD!) in your date's situation, and I confess that I once blew off a perfectly cute, smart, nice gentleman when it became clear over drinks that he had only slept with two women in his entire life. My list is, ahem, slightly longer than that. He was out of the running before the race began. And yes, that was probably shortsighted of me, but the last thing I needed was someone I was going to have to tutor. If I hadn't known he was practically a virgin, he might've gotten more than a peck on the cheek at the end of the evening. Which is why I think you should keep your lips zipped whilst working the romance angle.

Don't you have any buddies you can ask for help? I'd think a nice lady friend would give her favorite platonic guy pal a makeout or two in the interest of helping mankind. As long as you brush and floss regularly, aren't physically repulsive and swear not to touch any of her naughty bits, I don't see any big problem with that.

(Actually, I was trying to decide whether I'd be this benevolent, and the answer is probably nofuckingway. However, I believe that most women are more charitable than I, so I'm going to stick with this suggestion.)

Speaking as a broad who has locked lips with many a sloppy smoocher, the number-one mistake most people make is to come at you with their tongue already sticking straight out. Jot this down: Lips should hit lips before tongue enters the picture. You work up to the tongue.

Once you've worked up to the tongue, you do not insert it in her mouth only to let it lay there like a dead oyster, nor do you jam it so far back into her throat that it activates her gag reflex. You kinda dart it around a bit, see what's going on in there. Maybe give her lower lip a gentle (I said gentle!) nip and take the opportunity to run your hand up her back.

The mouth should not be open wide like you're trying to swallow her face, either. I had a boyfriend who would ratchet his mouth open so completely and unyieldingly wide that he'd sometimes cover my mouth and nose and I'd end up shoving him off me in order to breathe. No matter how I tried, I couldn't get him to relax that jaw.

Then there's the drool factor. A certain amount of saliva is both acceptable and inevitable. Once you start measuring in teaspoons, you've slobbered too much. If you're already up to tablespoons, take a break. Swallow. Breathe. Kiss her again. This time on her neck; work your way up to her ear, then back to her mouth. Now, while you're still kissing her, slip that hand up her shirt. There you go. They call this multitasking, son. Start off on top of the bra and see how she likes it. Yeah, dirty girl likes those magic fingers, doesn't she? If she seems pleased, slide that hand right up under the underwire until you have nipple.

Okay, I've gotten you to second. My work here is done.

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