In Surprising Move, Presidnet-Elect Taps Cindy McCain For Key Cabinet Role

In his first act as President-elect of the United States, Barack Obama has named Cindy McCain to the newly created post of National Director of White Privilege.

The Obama Transition Committee’s website explains that “Barack Obama is committed to being a great president for all Americans and that means ensuring that we don’t lose sight of those traditions that have long guided us—white privilege is one of those traditions. Even in the most difficult of times, white Americans have been comforted with the knowledge that they can accept a promotion without their co-workers believing they received it because of their race; that their children will be taught about great Americans who look like them; and that they can go to their local pharmacy and buy “flesh”-colored band-aids that relatively match their skin pigmentation. It is the responsibility of the National Director of White Privilege to reassure millions of white Americans that these traditions will continue and that this land is still their land.”

When asked why make this decision before even naming a Treasury Secretary or National Security Adviser, Obama replied, “This nation is looking for change, but not too much change. There are millions of people who still think that the best way to stimulate the economy is to give large tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans and then wait for the benefits to trickle down to everyone else. When I saw Cindy on stage at the Republican National Convention, leading a fundraiser to help hurricane victims while wearing an outfit that cost over $300,000, I knew that she was the perfect person to reach out to those misguided folks.”

Part of Barack Obama’s campaign strategy was to make the majority of voters feel comfortable with the idea of having a black man as president. He distanced himself from controversial figures such as the Reverend Jeremiah Wright while embracing more conventional leaders. Instead of choosing a woman (Sen. Hillary Clinton) or another person of color (Gov. Bill Richardson), he selected as his running mate Sen. Joe Biden. He touted the endorsement of General Colin Powell—whom one campaign adviser called “Cliff Huxtable in an Army uniform”—over that of Jesse Jackson. By recruiting Cindy McCain, Obama has made a bold move to clinch one of the few constituencies that never fully got behind his historic bid. Or as Donna Brazile, who remains the only African American to direct a major presidential campaign, explained, “Obama has big plans for this country but as he learned in the primaries, you can’t do anything in America without first getting the OK of white women.”

Wasting no time in getting started, Cindy McCain held a press conference at the offices of the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank in Washington D.C., where she told reporters, “One of the biggest concerns I heard from my former husband’s supporters was that if elected, Michelle Obama would try to change the name of the White House to something less…offensive to African Americans. After the Inauguration, I plan to put this fear to rest by holding a ‘Christening Ceremony’ and officially affirming the Executive Mansion as the White House, now and forever.”

She also detailed her plans to pursue a prescription drug benefit for housewives worth over $250,000; tax write-offs for summer homes; free flights to Third World countries for married couples looking to adopt babies; plans to designate dozens of Southern country clubs “National Historic Monuments”; and funding for a nationally televised mini-series directed by Mel Gibson tentatively titled Reagan: A Dream Deferred.

The appointment of McCain is not without its detractors. When reached for comment, Barbara Bush declared, “White privilege is dead.” Asked to elaborate, the former First Lady responded that “Part of being white in this country is the ability to make decisions without being questioned because of your race, yet when I said that the refugees of Katrina were in a situation that was ‘working very well for them,’ I was called a racist—me! After all I’ve done to make sure those poor underprivileged children could read. If white privilege were alive and well I would never have to trouble with such unpleasantness. So, since white privilege is dead, I really don’t see the point in having anyone direct it, do you?”

Hip-hop artist Kanye West, who was not asked for comment by this paper, sent the following text message: “This is just like a Brotha, make it large and the 1st thing he does is roll up on a White woman! I told you this would happen too!! Remember my #1 hit, Gold Digger?!! Broke the record for most digital downloads EVAH and I still can’t win [the Grammy for] Album of the Year!!! I bet if I had slept with Jessica Simpson I would have won. What’s Obama gonna do about that??!!!”