Losing the War on Boobs Losing the War on ...

Losing the War on Boobs

The city's continued efforts to turn New York into East Salt Lake City were thwarted last week by a very wise Manhattan Supreme Court justice. Back in the mid-90s, the Giuliani Administration, as we all know, undertook a slash and burn campaign to rid the city of boobs. They didn't want you seeing boobs, thinking about boobs?they sure didn't want you to be able to get anywhere near boobs. The best they could do on that front, however, was a zoning ordinance that attempted to force all the strip clubs, dirty bookstores and peep shows in town to move to Jersey (or at least Staten Island). They claimed, without any evidence at all, that these establishments attracted a criminal element and lowered property values.

The owners of these establishments noticed a little three-word loophole in the ordinance?namely, "a substantial portion." That became the 60/40 rule, which allowed adult businesses to get around the zoning regulations by selling Disney videos, showing kung-fu movies and setting up comedy clubs inside the strip clubs.

There was some hope after Bloomberg was elected that maybe some of these regulations would be rolled back, but he turned out to be even prissier than Rudy had been. Without stopping to consider that the porn industry pumps millions into the city economy every year, one of the first things his administration set about doing was closing that loophole. If enacted, it would've shut these places down for good.

Finally, a Manhattan Supreme Court judge put the brakes on this latest bit of anti-boob legislation last Wednesday, recognizing that there's a little First Amendment issue here that several previous judges chose to ignore. You can't force a particular brand of speech out of town, he noted, just because you think it's naughty and involves boobs. He also pointed out that the city never provided the slightest whiff of solid evidence that these places attract hoodlums and drug addicts and lower property values?their argument from the very beginning.

We're still stuck with the ridiculous 60/40 rule for now, but maybe there's a way to get rid of that, too. Maybe once he finishes the governor's race in California, Larry Flynt could pull a Snapple. If he were to toss a few million at City Hall, maybe the mayor would not only consider abolishing the ordinance?he might even declare Barely Legal to be "the official pornographic magazine of New York City."

Fast Times at Snapple High

When New York public school students roll four quarters into one of the city's several-thousand new Snapple machines, they won't just be putting 30 cents toward volleyball uniforms; they'll also be a button-push away from learning something, courtesy of the Snapple "Fun Facts" found under every Snapple bottle cap. The 229 facts are broken up into three fun categories, ensuring a broad appeal across New York's diverse student body.

In the "Incredibly fucking stupid" category, curious students will learn important things like "All porcupines float in water."

For future marine biologists, there is the "What asshole wrote this shit?" category, detailing such arcane aquatic info as "Fish have eyelids."

And then there's the "Just how inane can this retarded company get?" category, where inquiring young minds can learn that "Licking a stamp burns 10 calories."

Call it "infotainment" or just plain fun?there's no denying that the "Fun Facts" are another added bonus in the city's new $100 million plus exclusive deal with the beverage giant. Together with offering healthy "juice," the packaging provides yet one more way for New York City educators to offset chronic funding shortages. With a curriculum already built into every bottle of the new school-time beverage, why buy expensive textbooks? New facts will be added at the beginning of next year, and the potential for structuring classes around the Fun Facts is almost endless.

Students and teachers alike can delight in the random, useless bits of knowledge?while funding sports teams with the proceeds in the process! It is, as they say, a win-win for everybody.

Thanks Mr. Mayor. And thank you, Snapple.

For a glimpse into the mind of the official sponsor of New York's school system, take a stroll through "Snappleton" at Snapple.com.

If August was marked by 23-year-olds getting shot in the leg for no reason, September's shaping up to be that time of year when New Yorkers far and wide get all stabby. Guns, it seems, while not vanishing completely, have certainly fallen out of favor, replaced with trusty old kitchen knives, which are much cheaper.

At around 10 Sunday night, two Long Island City men in their 20s were stabbed?one of them fatally?by the proverbial "unknown assailant" during what was called an "alcohol-fueled argument" on Vernon Boulevard near 33rd Street. The man with the knife fled.

Early Monday morning, two roommates in Sunset Park proved once again that three is indeed a crowd. The two shared an apartment with a young woman. As should've been expected from the beginning, this led to certain frictions, and before you know it, out came the knives.

While 29-year-old Feng Lin Zun got a few good slashes in at 18-year-old Jehng Delion's legs, it was the younger man who prevailed, leaving Mr. Zun in a puddle on the kitchen floor. Unfortunately, Delion hadn't yet gained wisdom enough to realize that if you're barefoot and bleeding like a stuck pig, you're gonna leave a trail. In this case, a four-block-long trail to a friend's apartment, which allowed police to track him down in about a minute.

Later on Monday, a crowd of would-be movie extras in Queens grew ugly when the crew on hand to start filming the sequel to Hype Williams' "gangsta rap epic" Belly didn't choose some folks who really, really felt they deserved to be in the picture.

In a last-ditch effort to display their method acting skills, three men in their 20s ended up in critical condition after being stabbed (one in the back and two in the, well, the belly) during the ensuing melee. Whether or not they'll be in the movie is unknown at this point.

Topping last week's stabby news was, of course, the brutal slaying of Sharrice Davenport, 21, her grandmother Hattie Morris, 81, and Ms. Morris' brothers, 79-year-old James Armstead, and 73-year-old Robert Armstead, in their South Jamaica home. All but one had been stabbed multiple times, and Ms. Davenport's body had reportedly been doused with a flammable liquid and nearly set on fire. Police suspect the rampage was the result of a romantic obsession gone all loopy. It seems the suspect wasn't too pleased with the fact that Ms. Davenport was married.

The one saving grace this past week had to offer was 34-year-old Staten Island resident Makeeba Thompson. Unlike those others mentioned above, Ms. Thompson took a more reasonable and calm approach to interpersonal conflict by only threatening someone with a knife. Though still facing charges, she remains an example to us all of what we can achieve by showing a little tolerance and restraint.