Lotsa Matzoh

We’re at Ben’s Kosher Deli on W. 38th St., where a table is set for the Manhattan qualifier of the fifth-annual Charity Matzo Ball Eating Contest. The big names in New York’s competitive eating community are here, along with an equal number of hungry unknowns. "It’s something everybody feels they can do. But it’s not that easy," says Don "Moses" Lerman, 52, a retired grocer who won the 2000 championship by wolfing down 12 half-pound matzoh balls in five minutes and 25 seconds.

Fresh from a victory in the Baldwin (L.I.) qualifier, in which he ate 12 in just two minutes and 50 seconds, Lerman is dressed to impress in baseball satins emblazoned "King of All Competitive Eaters." He’s also here to support his buddies, "Krazy" Kevin Lipsitz, the Carnegie Deli Pickle Eating King, and Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, the Max & Mina Ice Cream Open and Belmont Racetrack Pizza Eating Champ. Current matzoh ball world recordholder "Hungry" Charles Hardy (15.5 in six minutes and 50 seconds) plans to demonstrate his prowess in the final round.

"We’re like jockeys before a race. We know each other from last year, or qualifiers, and a lot of us are friends in the offseason," Lerman explains. "But once you start eating, you don’t show nobody no mercy."

As soon as the chowdown begins, it’s easy to pick out the regulars from the first-timers. Veteran competitors tend to stand or crouch. "You won’t feel as full as when you’re sitting down," Hardy confides. They also disdain utensils, preferring to use their hands to stuff the softball-sized sinkers in. "It’s like putting a cement truck up to your mouth," says Jarvis, who ate an impressive 13 at last year’s finals, but was defeated after a 1.25-minute eat-off with Hardy.

In Round Two, we see just how difficult it is to eat 12 or 13 when the sole female contestant, Lorraine Lipsitz, coolly and methodically downs 4.25. "She’s eating them like apples," the MC exclaims. Glancing sideways, her fellow competitors seem rattled by her superior style. They barely manage to keep pace, finishing with 2.5, 4 and 4.25. Asked how she prepared for the contest, Lorraine, the slender wife of the aforementioned Pickle King, sounds very new-agey. "You fast the night before and get your mind and body clear of all matter." Other contestants offer strategies ranging from eating matzoh balls every day to not eating matzoh balls since last year’s contest to losing your mind to working up an appetite by cutting down trees (this guy was a landscaper).

In Round Three, Russian-born Oleg Zhornitskiy becomes the man to beat when he devours 10, though his interpreter claims he never ate a matzoh before. Zhornitskiy is so new on the circuit that he doesn’t yet have a nickname. The regulars know him from last summer’s pelmeni eating contest in Brighton Beach, where he put away 200 of the Siberian-style dumplings in just over four minutes. "How come this guy wasn’t in the hotdog eating contest?" I ask Nathan’s honcho, George Shea, who is here scouting talent. "He doesn’t like hotdogs. He’ll have to get over that," Shea says with aplomb.

Amid the hilarity, an earnest-looking gentleman from the Interfaith Nutrition Network rattles a donation jug, a reminder that this answer to a pie-eating contest is for a very good cause. Last year, the event raised more than $10,000 for the charity, which feeds the hungry and shelters the homeless in Long Island.

In Round Five, Eytan Hammerman wins my vote for best performance by a noncompetitive eater in an eating contest. His sister and her girlfriend cheer him on with a "One-time, two-time…" When they get up to "Ey-tan!" he triumphantly spears his third and last matzoh ball with a knife. "I wasn’t going to be psyched out by the 380-pound guy next to me. Besides, he barfed," Hammerman says afterward. "It went down the wrong pipe," explains Jarvis, who was disqualified when matzoh meal dribbled out of his nostrils.

In the last round, Lipsitz, who is woozy, courageously enters the fray to keep up his staggering stats of "Most Times Entered" (17 semifinals and three finals) and "Most Eaten Overall" (148.75). Hardy, a dependable crowd-pleaser, gives his rivals a one-minute head start before putting away six matzohs in one minute and 50 seconds. "It was a sprint, a workout," he says hoarsely. I worry about Hardy’s health. An NYC corrections officer who works a few blocks away from the World Trade Center site, he volunteered at Ground Zero in the weeks after Sept. 11 and is now using an asthma inhaler.

In fact, all of the regulars are under stress now that they’re on the cusp of stardom. In recent months, they’ve eaten their way through the Food Network’s documentary The Big Eats and the Discovery Channel’s Gutbusters, which will air March 3. Competitive eating is poised to become the next big spectator sport on tv. In February, Fox is set to debut Glutton Bowl, a two-hour primetime special in which the contestants, including current hotdog champ Japan’s "Prince" Kobayashi, will compete for a top prize of $25,000. While the show was taped in September, none of the guys is telling who ate what or who won. Everybody had to sign nondisclosure agreements. My guess is that Kobayashi, who destroyed the competition and doubled the world record last July 4 by eating 50 Nathan’s hotdogs and buns, will astound the audience once again.

As for the matzoh ball championship, it’s anybody’s game, as long as you’re 18 and a U.S. resident. Age, girth and gender are not factors. As Don Lerman likes to say, "Everyone’s stomach is about the same size."

The final round is scheduled for Tuesday, Jan. 29, at 10 a.m., at Ben’s Manhattan, 209 W. 38th St., 398-BENS, or matzoball.bensdeli.net.