Lust Life: Pet Voyeurs

At the Revenge of the Sex Columnists reading last week, one of the columnists said that she couldn't masturbate with her dog in the room. This was one of many sexual idiosyncrasies that she confessed to the audience, asking if it was normal or not. A chorus of Normal! followed her statement about the dog. As I'm writing this, my cat is on my desk, reminding me of her insistent meowing outside the bedroom door the last time my boyfriend and I had sex. If she had been in the room, she probably would've tried to involve herself somehow.

This is a common nuisance for pet owners. It's natural, especially if your furry friend usually sleeps with you. They feel entitled to any place in the home where humans allow them to nap, play, groom and lick their asses and whatnot. The bed is no exception. Plus, they like to be close to the people who feed them and give them attention. The question is, do animals actually become aroused by human sexual activity? 

Studies of animal sexuality conclude that many species engage in sexual activity for reasons other than procreation. Dogs, cats, horses, bulls, sheep, goats, camels and elephants are known to masturbate. (I came across an online video of a cat masturbating as well as one of a kangaroo!) We all have seen male dogs mount a human leg and unneutered cats spray. Then we have the promiscuous, bisexual behavior of Bonobo primates and dolphins. Fascinating, yes, but none of these findings addresses the question of animal arousal in response to human sex.  

In pursuit of an answer, I e-mailed a questionnaire to a cross-section of New York pet owners. Most of the respondents observed their pets reacting in a peculiar way to people sex. Whether or not the pets are aroused is up for interpretation. Celia has been a cat owner for many years. She said, My cat Phineas used to know (sometimes even before I did!) when I was going to see some action. He must have picked up on the pheromones and would go to my bedroom and curl up in the corner of the bed. He only did this when I had 'company'! If you're living in a small apartment, separating your intimate activities from your animal companion can be a challenge, especially if your bedroom lacks a door, as in Wayne's case. My cat thinks it is his God given right to be involved with anything happening in my apartment I don't know if aroused is the right word. When my girlfriend and I are engaged in sweet lovemaking, if he doesn't feel like he has gotten enough attention, he will sprint down the hallway and physically interject himself. He has landed on my girlfriend twice. He got me once. He weighs 15 pounds. It takes you out of the mood.

Animals can get excited for any number of reasons, but is it the sex that provokes them or the fact that the people are thumping around and making strange noises? While I was involved in a passionate poolside petting session with my ex-boyfriend, a stray cat leapt over a wall to join us. It was funny at first, but ultimately distracting. She even tried to knead her way in between us! We had never seen her before; she couldn't have possibly been jealous. And she was certainly more than curious. Something else was motivating this beast. Another feral night, a lover and I were hanging out with a couple. We started fooling around (each couple, respectively) on the other girl's couch. While she was bouncing on her boyfriend's lap, her terrier danced around our legs. A few times, his nose got a little too close to her ass. My squeamish lover tried to shoo the dog away, but our friends kept going at it, seemingly oblivious. It was entertainment to me, but my lover could not perform until the dog was out of sight.

Most people feel weird having sex in front of their pets, even if the animal appears indifferent. But just because he's indifferent doesn't mean he's clueless. One respondent's pooch seems to respect the boundaries: My toy poodle always seems to know what's about to happen, and he leaves the bed voluntarily and goes in the other room. I never have to push him off or tell him to leave; he just goes on his own and promptly returns when it's over. 

Voyeuristic animals generally don't disturb me. I would have more of a problem with a baby cooing across the room than a dog licking my foot or a cat observing quietly at the edge of the bed. A baby is an instant mood-killer, even if she's tucked away in a crib, sleeping. Parental instinct can't compete with libido. There's nothing amusing about that. Animal instinct is something everyone can relate to. After all, we call a vagina a pussy and we like to do it doggy-style. As for me, I don't get off having another pussy in the bed when I'm feeling animalistic. Unless, of course, that pussy is a hot chick in a cat suit.