Lust Life: Wordplay

“One of the things I love about that kind of group experience is the use of words,” she said when I saw her at a cooking class the day after the party. She thanked me for indulging her desire for the spoken. “Well, words are my thing,” I said, “I am a writer.” She was referring to my discerning selection of vocabulary while I penetrated her with my strap-on. You like to be fucked, don’t you? You’ve been bad, very bad. Did I say you could touch me? You like the way my cock goes in and out, you naughty bitch. Perhaps you like it a little too much. Do you want him to play with your tits? Yes, you know you want it. Nothing revolutionary, but effective nonetheless.

I wasn’t always so verbose. When I first started having sex, the only time I opened my mouth was to utter a muffled moan or “Um, that hurts…can we change positions?” In my prudish mind, dirty talk was just dirty. It was something that sluts and prostitutes did, not romantic sophisticated little me. Those crude verbs and base nouns belonged on the streets and in porn; they were unfit for my sacred nest of amorousness. As I limited my sexual contact to those few men who inspired visions of love, the idea of projecting vulgar descriptions onto our physical exchanges was demeaning and dishonorable. How could I use the word fuck while making love?

Since then, I’ve grown to appreciate the use of sexual language in all its varied forms. First of all, words are practical. What better way to explain exactly how you like oral sex? If you use words in just the right way, they empower you to get what you want (unless your lover is too self-absorbed to listen, too stupid to understand your needs, or doesn’t speak your language).

Once you master the art of basic sexual communication, words add color and mood and character—a necessary tool for fantasy and role-play. The submissive can say, “I’m at your mercy,” and instantly she’s someone else. Words also define acts: I’m sticking my cock in your ass; express feelings, I love the way you suck me; and establish connections, You are so fucking hot. As long as the sex is consensual, a word or phrase or entire monologue shows that you care enough about the person to invest your mind as well as your body in her pleasure.

Language is powerful, but words alone don’t make the difference between mediocre sex and mind-blowing erotic exchange. It depends on who is speaking, and how the words are said. If a sex partner repeatedly delivers clichés (like “oh, baby, baby, baby”), I just want him to shut up and give me an orgasm. It really turns me on when you don’t say anything. (If that fails, there’s always the reliable stick-your-finger-in-his-mouth routine.)

A word of advice: Don’t bore your partner with genital-numbing patter. Put thought into your words. What?! Think during sex? Of course you can! If you can imagine your favorite celebrity sucking you off instead of your girlfriend, or that your crush from work is watching you take a dildo up your ass, you’re capable of taking a moment to consider what you’re saying before you unwrap the condom. I know it seems absurd to think about what you’re saying while words flow out of your mouth like the fluid from a hot, wet pussy, but the reason the words flow is because they’re authentic. If you suddenly spew, “Your pussy’s like a fountain, and I’m so thirsty for it!”, then you are truly present with your desires. However, if you mutter “Oh, baby, baby, baby,” because you heard it in a song once, and you think that’s what all women want to hear, and not saying anything makes you uncomfortable, then you need to stop and think.

We’re all victims to the vulgarity of insincere poetry now and then. However, the phrase, “Your pussy feels so tight around my cock, baby” may ring like beautiful music if it’s coming from someone you love. What is the psychology behind those dirty words? Are you tapping into a fetish or fantasy? Is it really you speaking? I examine sexual wordplay like words on a page. I’d rather read a linguistically sloppy, passionate work of literature than a well-crafted, soulless product of an MFA writing workshop.

I always think variety is the best way to keep sex spicy, whether you enjoy multiple partners or are in a long-term monogamous relationship. But sometimes the old adage about silence is true, even during sex. Sometimes I prefer to gaze into my lover’s eyes, listen to the rhythm of our bodies and leave our mouths to activities that speak louder than words.