Michael Novick Reads from Police State America; The Great Throwdini; Meow Mix's New Year's Eve Warm Up Party; A Clockwork Orange;

Remember the French flick The Girl on a Bridge, in which the knifethrower says to his new assistant, "With your body and my skill we’ll kill ’em"? That’s what the Freaks of the Week aim to do at Sideshow Saturday Night this Sat., Dec. 28. The Great Throwdini is a world champ at hurling knives, axes and tomahawks at bull’s-eyes and around daredevil girls–read more about him in this week’s "New York City." When he’s blindfolded and hooded, it’s called "Maximum Risk." Ula, the Pain Proof Rubber Girl, is no stranger to danger. It’ll be awesome to watch her debut on the impalement board when Throwdini traces her silhouette with a handful of metal. If this act doesn’t kill you, seeing Todd Robbins blow up a hot water bottle till it bursts might just do the trick. SoHo Playhouse, 15 Vandam St. (betw. 6th Ave. & Varick St.), $22.50-$25. Doors at 9:30. If you miss this shot, Throwdini and Ula on a bill with comic magicians R.J. Lewis and Jeff Moche perform Mon., Jan. 6, at Monday Night Magic at the McGinn/Cazales Theater, 2162 B’way (76th St.), 8 p.m., $29.50-$32.50. Call 615-6432 for info on both shows.

Enough festiveness, good tidings and cheer. By Sun., Dec. 29, we’ll be craving the strange, and we’re sure to find it at Meow Mix’s New Year’s Eve Warm Up Party. Like the coddled daughters of Madonna and Tristan Tzara, electro-punk trio Fur Cups for Teeth will hit the stage with an arsenal of tiny instruments–including vacuum cleaner, Speak ’N’ Spell and boxes of the club’s namesake cat food. The absurdity continues with Bunny Brains 88, the lean punk spinoff of longtime no-wave sludge slingers Bunny Brains. We can’t speak for this incarnation, but the band that spawned them is responsible for some of the most insane noise we’ve ever heard. Also that night, rambunctious garage rockers Bigbooté celebrate the release of their new CD, and all-girl psychonoise outfit Smoke Machine make their debut. Bring earplugs and a wide, wide open mind. 269 E. Houston St. (Suffolk St.), 254-0688; 8, $5.

It’s that time of year again, when you gather with family, catch up for half an hour over a stiff Irish coffee and then race to the local cineplex! A triple squirt of hot butter on the jumbo popcorn, two packs of gummy worms and hey, why not make this a double feature? In fact, we can each go see a different movie, and meet up in the parking lot next Christmas! But what if your cousin Mary Kay Commons has decided to shlep to the big city to celebrate? She wants something special. She wants that "New York experience" Cindy Adams is selling. Enter A Clockwork Orange at MOMA in the lovely, historic and very gay Gramercy Park area–the theater’s at 127 E. 23rd St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 777-4900; 7, $12, $8.50 st./s.c. Opens Sun., Dec. 29, and runs through 1/31. While you’re opening the closet, drag out the fake eyelashes and codpiece from your high school Halloween costume and go all Rocky Horror on her ass. It may be the last time your holidays are undone by Bill Shatner’s Priceline (or MKC leaves Arkansas, for that matter).

Pull the rugrats away from their Xmas Xboxes and soon-to-be-broken toys and amuse them instead with some exhibits of creatures wet and dry. Nobody goes to the zoo or the aquarium in the winter, making it the perfect time to stroll around leisurely to look at the inmates, who are much more relaxed in December than they are in July. The Bronx Zoo hosts many animals who are happiest when humans are freezing their asses off; there are few things that will cure your holiday blues quicker than watching an otter enjoying the winter. The Zoo is open every day of the year, and through Jan. 6 offers "Holiday Lights," a fanciful nighttime celebration of animals in lights, 5-9 p.m. If you’re allergic to the cold, head inside to the New York Aquarium at Coney Island, where you can watch the cold-blooded creatures swim around in warm-blooded comfort. Bronx Zoo, Fordham Rd. (Bronx River Pkwy.), 718-367-1010; open 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. daily. New York Aquarium, Surf Ave. W. 8th St.), Brooklyn, 718-265-FISH; open 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. daily. Information on the Zoo and the Aquarium, both part of the Wildlife Conservation Society, can be found at www.wcs.org.

Gov’t Mule (by the way, if you spell out "Government," you won’t find them anywhere) kicks off 2003 at the Beacon Theater on Mon., Dec. 30 at 8 p.m., and Tues., Dec. 31 at 9 p.m. The Mule has had a good year, turning the tragic 2000 passing of bassist Allen Woody into a rallying point for strong CDs The Deep End, Vols. 1 & 2, and a DVDumentary, Rising Low, directed by Mike Gordon of Phish. The new product is killer, featuring bass players from George Porter Jr. (The Meters) to Les Claypool. Onstage, you’ll get Oteil Burbridge on bass, but be on the lookout for special guests. There isn’t a better way to say bye to shitty ’02 than by letting Warren Haynes rip it up all night. 2124 B’way (74th St.), 307-7171 for tickets, $35.

What? You don’t have a ticket to the MTV New Year’s Eve Pajama Party featuring performances by the Foo Fighters, Busta Rhymes, Avril Lavigne and Good Charlotte? Don’t fret, you’re better off not being anywhere near Times Square tonight. Avoid the uptown lights and indulge in some downtown smut when the Toilet Boys take the stage, Tues., Dec. 31. They have more gusto, glam and sex appeal than other local acts gracing the covers of glossy mags, and could probably kick Good Charlotte’s ass. Come witness Miss Guy as she leads shirtless sweaty bandmates–who are quite nice to look at if you’re into the tattooed rock ’n’ roller–through Kiss-inspired punk numbers. The party’s at Don Hill’s, 511 Greenwich St. (Spring St.), 219-2850–call for the start time–with the Motherfucker after-party kicking off around 2 a.m. at Discotheque, 17 W. 19th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 352-9999. Call for times and prices.