My girl and I have been together for two years. ...

l and I have been together for two years. Before me, she was with a girl for three years. She left her girl for me, saying I'm different than other guys and that I intrigue her. A few months into our relationship, she cheated on me with some girl she met while we were on argument status. This continued off and on until I found out about it five months later. (I only found out because her ex-girlfriend called me and furnished the info on the situation—probably in retaliation for getting dumped.)

I posed the question, got an honest answer and bounced. She went crazy and begged me not to leave. I left, but got back with her in four months (and took her from the girl who took her from me). We began seeing each other again, and I trusted her. But then I found out she started seeing her ex-girlfriend again. Flying to Seattle, pretending to see her cousin, but really taking trips with her girlfriend.

I told her I wasn't mad. If she wants to be lesbian, that's fine—but she must let me go. She didn't call for two weeks, then told me that I'm the only one she wants. So as of now, we're together and I know that, deep inside, she loves me and would go crazy if I cheated or left her. I love her, and want to marry her some day.

Recently, she's started doing weird shit. She's reading books like Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking and looking into yoga. She's completely changing her hair and wardrobe and taking me on picnics. She recently started expressing herself sexually, though it's like lesbian sex or something. I don't know how to take it. Can a woman who was a lesbian for so many years really be with a man? Why can't she leave me alone and stop hurting my heart if she wants to be lesbian?

   —Tim

Yoga, self-help books and picnics? I smell trouble.

Tim, it would appear that you're dating a self-loathing lesbian. By definition, lesbians like ladies. Sadly, your girlie doesn't seem to want to want what she wants, so she's trying her damnedest to like boys. Which is where you fit in.

You don't say how she's changing her hair and wardrobe, but I'm guessing she's going for a more femmy look. Trading in her overalls for flirty spring skirts and letting her fauxhawk grow into a bob? Bad news: She's not just turning herself into a straight girl—she's turning herself into a boring straight girl. Sadly, you don't really explain how she's having sapphic sex with you (details! I need details!), but I'd say none of this bodes well for you or your odd little relationship.

Has your girlfriend recently embraced the lord? I started poking around on the web, looking for other people who have tried to "reform" their sexuality and found this quote from a 20-year-old Christian Will & Grace viewer: "I watched this show the other night and I was appalled. The character Jack (played by an actor who went to my college) especially is bad because he is the 'funniest' gay character and is therefore the most appealing to young children. Also, he is played by a handsome young man… I fought to suppress my attraction to him. I am a reformed homosexual who is now married to a wonderful woman, and people like me don't need such horrible filth on tv to tempt us back into sin."

Erm, yeah, "filth?" Not funny, sure. Idiotic, no doubt. But if W&G had any kind of filth factor whatsoever (straight or gay), I'd be all over it. You see where this is going, don't you? Suppressing what's natural sends you mental. It makes one see prurience where only predictable punchlines exist. It encourages one to investigate questionable fitness activities like yoga and suddenly eating outside—sitting on the ground where dogs have pooped and insects lurk—seems like a good idea! No! Wrong!

Your girlfriend is having an identity crisis of epic proportion, which I guess is understandable—being gay is a whole lot harder than being straight. But she has to come to terms with who she is, and that ain't a breeder.

Sure, theoretically it is possible for a lesbian to have a monogamous relationship with a man, but why would either of you want that? Plus, it doesn't seem like she's very good at the whole concept of monogamy anyway. I relayed your sad situation to an acquaintance who pointed out that things could be worse—you could be sitting home by yourself watching The Apprentice. At least this way your life has an element of intrigue and suspense. He's got a point. I'd suggest you either extricate yourself from the situation or figure out a way to come to peace with the fact that you might be thrown over for another broad at any moment. Which is certainly more interesting than being dumped for some dopey guy on a skateboard.