New Jersey^2: The Garden State asserts its right to farm its biological assets.

With all the radioactive and chemical contamination, it was only inevitable that New Jersey would turn to cloning to alleviate state-wide mutation.

Thus, it was no surprise when, on Feb. 10, due to a lack of support, a bill that would ban cloning in New Jersey was removed from the Assembly voting board. Bill S1909/A2840 stipulated, in the first part of part 1 of part c of part 2, as follows:

A person shall not knowingly, for valuable consideration, purchase or sell, or otherwise transfer or obtain, or promote the sale or transfer of, embryonic or cadaveric fetal tissue for research purposes pursuant to this act...

Seems that the bill was a ban on capitalist cloning, yet would permit cloning for research purposes. And embryonic or cadaveric fetal tissue may be donated for research purposes.

Or, wait—was it a bill to legalize cloning? The second part of part 1 of part c of part 2 goes on to amend:

For the purposes of this subsection, "valuable consideration" means financial gain or advantage, but shall not include reasonable payment for the removal, processing, disposal, preservation, quality control, storage, transplantation, or implantation of embryonic or cadaveric fetal tissue.

Reasonable payment for the removal, processing, disposal, preservation, quality control, storage, transplantation or implantation—those are a lot of things to reasonably pay for. Doesn’t that mean someone could charge just about whatever they wanted? I mean, storing that cadaveric fetal tissue has got to be expensive. And, if someone can charge whatever they want, doesn’t that mean that second part of part 1 of part c of part 2 was intended to render totally irrelevant that first part of part 1 of part c of part 2?

No, that’s a mistake of interpretation, as, quite to the contrary, S1909/A2840 was, as is usual in matters of great political consequence, a Solomon-like judgment bespeaking moral fortitude and unswaying personal conviction—that is to say, all partisans got exactly what they wanted, without compromising, and may iterate that fact upon their bids for reelection. Now, let us toast, as there’s a state that addresses things head on! Rather than the possibility of cloned organs and therapies and babies being available for sale on an open market—or, on the other hand, not being available on an open market—New Jersey would legislate the practice as entirely illegal and not-for-profit except in that circumstance when it’s legal and available at a fair inflated price.

For companies in New Jersey already engaged in the study and application of cloning, a future mega-industry, the defeat of the bill is a milestone event, as, now, the situation in New Jersey won’t change and they can go on doing exactly what they were doing. As opposed to, in the case of the bill having passed, their having gone on doing exactly what they were doing.

There is the contention that this question of "cloning" exemplifies the kind of mulish divisiveness that prevents the United States from resolving issues that any reasonable person could work out, via compromise, in about fifteen minutes. Conversely, the possibility of reasonable compromise in the United States is considered by many to be unreasonable, reasonably enough. In this particular issue, on the one side, there are those fervently in favor of the medical miracle of partial-birth abortions, while, on the other side, there are those fervently opposed to the medical barbarity of saving lives. Still, one cannot help but suppose there might be a middle ground somewhere. Perhaps a mandate of partial birth abortions over all other types of abortions, and an absolute prohibition of all types of life-saving—or, anyway, something along those lines. Just as long as everyone is happy.

On the order of full disclosure, I admit that the tragic Valentine’s Day announcement that Dolly the sheep had been put down left me weeping into my bowl of genetically modified corn flakes, wondering how it could have all gone so wrong when it just seemed so right. I vowed that I would take a stand, that I would preach the gospel of cloning—that Dolly’s death would not be in vain. And, anyway, I realized that I was more or less in favor of human cloning—as I had never numbered myself among those inordinately offended by the prospect of cures for debilitating and crippling diseases and injuries (such developments leave me essentially indifferent), and, more importantly, I had always been among the ranks of those who might be called "partial-birth abortion enthusiasts." Furthermore, I confess that, due to a number of circumstances peculiar to the Garden State, I am especially in favor of cloning in New Jersey.

Yes, through somatic cell nuclear transplantation, one might satiate old alcoholic baseball players who need livers, but if it’s true that S1909/A2840 would also have created an environment in which "human reproductive cloning would be allowed to flourish" (according to New Jersey Right to Life), New Jersey might have also enjoyed a wide array of other benefits. A cloned population wouldn’t clash with them tract houses and trailers. And the blight of inbreeding might be forever purged. (With advanced technologies such as cloning available to the reproductive process, few would argue that New Jerseyites should retain the right to set back evolution by their own flailing process of genetic pollution.) The procedure might also provide opportunities for boosting tourism. Popular New Jersey icons such as HBO’s The Sopranos could provide valuable genetic data to New Jersey’s economic cornerstones, such as the theme park.

As for fears that the full-scale adoption of cloning might endanger, well, human individuality, nobody in New Jersey is all that special to begin with. Indeed, a large proportions of New Yorkers will be surprised to learn that those lost, sodden Jersey souls that they’ve been directing to Bleecker Street for all those years weren’t clones already.

Not that any of us are all that special. Really. Nice as it is to bash New Jersey, the entire nation could benefit from cloning. Beyond specific treatments for Alzheimer’s, cancer, diabetes, Parkinson’s, organ failure, burn trauma, disfigurement, deformity, defective genes, leukemia, cystic fibrosis, spinal cord injury, brain damage, infertility, aging and baldness, the social advantages of cloning are innumerable. With healthy cloned babies promised for this year, and maybe a few out there right now, cloning presents a realistic methodology for cleaning up society. Besides fishing out the duds, a cloned population could optimize human health and potentials.

Imagine, in the words of Simon Smith of the pro-cloning Human Cloning Foundation, every "endangered species could be saved." Imagine, cloning might uncover the fountain of youth, and enable scientists to "reverse DNA back to age 20 or whatever age we want to be." Imagine, "religious freedom," where religious sects such as the Raelians would not be persecuted for their beliefs. Imagine, children who lead longer lives, as we help them avoid familial health risks, and all the "problems that can be cured using what we learn from human cloning technology." Imagine, coming to the aid of "a father who lost his only son." Imagine, a clone that could "lead the life that was meant to be yours." Imagine, lesbian couples could fuse their genes to produce a true "child of their own." Imagine, we’d all get along "because of the special relationship that twins have." Imagine, "raising a clone would be like having a child with an instruction manual."

Imagine, everyone wears the same size.

Bill S1909/A2840 would have been the first legislative acknowledgement, and permission by exception, to carry out bio farming and, maybe, baby farming. California, responding to a demand for better boob jobs, which might be made perfect by the cloning of fleshy implants, recently signed into law SB 253, which, in direct contradiction of federal law, allows for embryonic stem cell research. In a related move, California also made permanent a temporary ban on human cloning for reproductive purposes.

While, certainly, the better boob jobs are important to entertainment and entertainers, the California ban has opened the door for states such as New Jersey to vie for the movie industry. Not only might spinal cord patients such as Christopher Reeve be returned to perfect health (which would allow for the Superman films to continue), stars such as Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger might be cloned so that when they come to that moment when another face-lift will elevate their genitals to their Adam’s apples, they might be replaced with little or no fuss. New Jersey could bring back Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe or Joey Ramone—and fully realize the destiny of a scientific and cultural mecca.

Just imagine. New Jersey: The Cloning Capital of the World. n