Now, I’m usually a smart cookie, but I’ve gone and ...

Now, I'm usually a smart cookie, but I've gone and fallen for a married man.

We've been dating (i.e., sleeping together) for three months. He says his relationship with his wife is on the rocks and that they will be ending things soon. Do I believe that line? I mean, it's an oldie and a goodie, and is surely bound to string a single gal like me along for a while. But a lot of marriages do end, so there's a chance this one will as well.

Which brings me to my second question: If his marriage does end and I find myself with this man, can I ever trust him, or is he destined to be a member of the "lifetime cheater club?" Do "mistakes" happen (i.e., the first marriage was a mistake), and can a bit of "relationship overlap" be overlooked? Or will I become wife number two, only to be left for mistress number two?

Gawd. . . life never gets less complicated, does it?

?Anonymous Please

You'll find that life gets markedly less complicated once you quit fucking someone else's husband.

I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that I've been on all sides of the infidelity triumvirate?cheated on, cheated with, cheater. My anthropological fieldwork into the world of adultery has proven the hypothesis that no matter what side of this tacky triangle you find yourself on, you wind up feeling like crap. Unless, of course, you have no conscience?I imagine it's pretty okay if you're, say, Satan. (Or Ethan Hawke.) (Or Billy Crudup.) And yeah, you can try to justify your actions by vilifying his wife ("She sounds like such a bitch!"), but there must be something pretty fucking awesome about her, otherwise he wouldn't have married her in the first place.

By banging this dude, you're inviting dramatics into your life that no sane person would ever want or need. But then, maybe you're not sane. Perhaps you thrive on pain and shrieking scenes wherein everybody gets hurt except for the asshole orchestrating the whole debacle. (By asshole I mean the jackass with the gold band on the fourth finger of his left hand?you know, the hand currently wending its way up your shirt. That guy.) Doesn't it offend you that no matter how nice he might be, you are?at best?nothing more than a handy piece of ass to him? If you don't believe that, think about who you spent New Year's Eve with. My guess, it wasn't him.

Married men are appealing because they're almost always on their best behavior around you. You aren't stepping over his stinking, shit-streaked tighty-whities in the middle of the night, nor do you have to deal with his parents. You're his dirty little secret?he bathes for you, goes down on you for hours and probably buys you stuff. (At least I hope he does, or you're an even bigger sucker than I thought.) You make him feel desirable and naughty; he makes you feel special. But if you stop and think about it, it's not a cool, interesting kind of special. It's more like special, as in "special ed," because you fuck his brains out and then send him home with enough fantasy fodder to make banging his wife palatable for another week. Oh, and another thing?if you think he's not still putting it to her, think again.

Meanwhile, you're sitting home waiting for him to dole out another two-hour visit when you could be out having cocktails with your girlfriends whilst meeting pleasant, interesting men who aren't philanderous shitbags.

The thing I find most embarrassing is the cliche aspect of it all. You're playing the Morgan Fairchild role in the Lifetime movie of your life. While you're painting the town red with Ted Danson, poor, poor Meredith Baxter Birney watches in tears as the pot roast she's cooked with care grows cold and congeals. You're cheerily playing footsy under the table as appetizers arrive, while she's back in the burbs busy developing an eating disorder and/or substance abuse problem because she knows the man she loves is stepping out. And believe me, she knows.

Sure, you are correct?loads of marriages end. But if his does, do you think he's really going to be itching to jump right back into another committed relationship (no matter how elastic his definition of committed is)? No fucking way. Dude can't even keep it in his pants when he's supposed to?what do you think is gonna happen once he's free? I can guarantee you that he's going to be itching to put his dick in anything and everything that pees through hair within a 25-mile radius of his groin.

I don't buy the "once a cheater, always a cheater" dictum, but even if he does reform himself for your big fat love?does it matter? You're never going to trust him. Every time he works late or uses an excuse he used to be with you, that knot in your stomach is going to get bigger and tighter. Pretty soon you'll be the one hitting the bottle and puking up all your meals. You'll look at every woman you meet with suspicion and find yourself indulging in insane behavior like rummaging through his pockets, hacking into his e-mail account and checking his cellphone for unfamiliar numbers. Then one morning you'll be looking in the mirror, counting wrinkles only to step back and see Meredith Baxter Birney staring back at you. And it won't be cute, nice, ex-hippie Elyse Keaton from her Family Ties days, either.