Picks

WEDNESDAY June 30

Stand-Up Smackdown

Usually we'd dismiss anything calling itself a "smackdown" that wasn't wrestling-related. But like a Vince McMahon-scripted pay-per-view event, the Stand-Up Smackdown is a comedy battle that should not be missed. The categories: heavyweights (pros), middleweights (up and comers) and flyweights (newbies), not to mention two extra divisions, the Catfight (all girls) and the Fruit Punch (gay comics). Greg Wilson, the show's host, describes the show as "like 8-Mile, only funny." And it's not in Detroit. Audience picks the winner. Laugh Lounge, 151 Essex St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-614-2500, 9, $10 & 2 drink min.

Cheap Trick

Best known to youngsters for their 1988 Elvis cover "Don't Be Cruel," they should be better recognized as the premier power pop band they are. After hitting some rough patches with sub-par records and line-up changes, Cheap Trick got hip again thanks to champions like Steve Albini. They tour extensively, although this foul summer they're in the ignoble position of having to open up for fucking Aerosmith at the PNC Bank Arts Center. Holmdel, NJ, Exit 116 off Garden State Pkwy., 732-335-2500, 7:30, $32.50-$85.

Thursday July 1

Crazy Legs Conti: zen and the art of competitive eating

Wake up and smell the deep-fryer. Like everything else in the world, competitive eating now has its own documentary film. Following the progress of aspiring professional glutton Crazy Legs Conti, the film tells a heart-clogging, Rockyesque story of one man's quest for gastronomic glory. Will he match up to his Apollo Creeds and Clubber Langs, Takeru Kobayashi and Badlands Booker? Will the audience be able to stand the sight of the dreadlocked Conti ingesting entire sticks of butter? Or will their eyes of the tiger be bigger than their stomachs? BAM Rose Cinema, 30 Lafayette Ave. (Ashland Pl.), Ft. Greene, 718-636-4100, 6:45, $10, $7 st./s.c.

Bridge Street Show House

It's rare that an open house event set in Bed Stuy would attract the attention of the upper crust. The Bridge Street Show House has done just that by throwing Jay-Z into the mix. He's just one of the Bed-Stuy legends that serve as inspiration for this apartment's design style. Architectural tribute is also paid to Lenny Wilkins, the winningest coach in NBA history, and Tuskegee Airman John Mulzac. 380 Lewis Ave. (betw. Macon & MacDonough Sts.), Bklyn, 718-573-6893, 4, $15.

Friday July 2

Full-Moon Ritual

We know what you're thinking: When, exactly, will Wolfman show himself? Lyncanthropes and werewolf-philes alike will be disappointed, but lovers of New Age calendars and artsy freakiness will be barking at the moon like Ozzy. There will be poems and stories, fires and lights. Most likely there will be learned ruminations on the cultural history of full-moon rituals, from the Hopi to the hippies. Still, someone's ability to turn himself into a werewolf sure would spice things up a little. 6th & B Community Garden, 6th St. (Ave. B), 212-982-5673, 8, free.

the moonlighters

Brooklyn in summer is just like a tropical paradise, only without the pristine beaches, barrier reefs and fresh fruit. But it does have the humidity. In that sweaty spirit, a mini-festival of Hawaiian-flavored music hits Barbès tonight. The Moonlighters are the latest in former Pain Teen Bliss Blood's seemingly endless string of overlapping and constantly gigging mood-music revival acts (hot-jazz Cantonement, bluesy Delta Dreambox, smoky Here's How, exotica Voodoo Suite), this one including former Helmet bassist Henry Bogdan on steel guitar. It's the elegantly crafted and authentic-sounding original material in each of her groups that set Blood's combos apart from what might otherwise seem a series of exercises in genre-hopping. 376 9th St. (6th Ave.), 718-965 9177, 9, $5.

Saturday July 3

Free Comic Book Day

When your mother told you that comic books were worthless, she was correct—but for one day only. Participating geek emporiums are giving away select mind-rotting literature in their version of the schoolyard drug dealer doling out an addictive substance for free, then bleeding the sucker dry for the next 10 years. Instead of rotting teeth and morning jitters, comic book junkies suffer the shame of knowing Aquaman's secret identity. Participating stores are also handing out Star Wars, Archie and Spiderman comics. See freecomicbookday.com for a full list of participating stores, or start at St. Mark's Comics. 11 St. Mark's Pl. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 718-935-0911, 10 a.m., free.

Manhattan Island Marathon swim

Today marks the 22nd-annual 28.5-mile marathon swim around the Isle of Manhattan. Swimmers dive into the choppy waters at Hell's Gate, then try to avoid getting swept into the giant sewage disposal plant that spans 10 blocks south of the GWB. The race starts at 8 a.m. sharp, with stinky swimmers emerging from the waters at South Cove mid-afternoon, ready for a long, hot shower. Battery Park City, Chambers St. (North End Ave.), 888-NYC-SWIM, 8, free.

Afro-Punk

Four black punk rockers—Tamar Kali, Cipher's Moe Mitchell, Mariko Jones and Ten Grand's Matt Davis—show their experiences in the mostly white punk scene and the mostly mainstream African American community in this documentary that's steadily racking up awards and fans worldwide. Director James Spooner shows a range of perspectives on what got them hooked on punk rock, interracial dating and explaining their mohawks to baffled friends and family. Performances and interviews include Bad Brains, Fishbone, Dead Kennedys, Orange 9mm, 247-Spyz & Candiria. After the screening, the Anabolics, First Lady of Cuntry and the Cunts and Live Girls!!! perform. Trash Bar, 256 Grand St. (betw. Roebling & Driggs Sts.), Williamsburg, 718-599-1000, 7, $5.

Warm Up 2004

Once again, the best time to be had in Long Island City this summer is P.S.1's annual Warm Up series, starting today and running till September 4. For the next two months, MoMA's contemporary offshoot fills its outdoor space with sand, kiddie pools, an incredible sound system, hoola hoops and a bartender. Today's lineup is Trevor Jackson, Madlib and Peanut Butter Wolf. (Upcoming Saturdays feature the Scissor Sisters, Honey Dijon and Miles Maeda.) The organizers call it a music festival, but it's more relaxing and multi-purpose than that. Dance, people gawk, get a sunburn, drink some beer, get your feet wet and look at some art (which, if you're interested, includes photographs by William Gedney and Christopher Wool) 22-25 Jackson Ave. (46th Ave.), Long Island City, 718-784-2084, 3, $8.

Sunday July 4

the fourth of july

It's America's birthday. We'd throw a surprise party, but aren't sure the old lady's heart could take it. It's been that kind of year. Still, expect a lot of flag-waving, some great deals on used cars, a token moment of silence or two and maybe a spontaneous outbreak of U.S.A.! U.S.A.! On the bright side, there's also cold beer, hot barbecue and bottle rockets the size of RPGs. Get out there and toast the bravery of the Revolutionary Army and their mercenaries. If not for them, we'd all be speaking British. America, all day, free, just like its people.

The Pete Best Band

What's this guy's life like? Kicked out of the biggest rock 'n' roll band in history for an uglier, crappier drummer, then hit with legal action for putting out a record called Best of the Beatles, even though the title was technically true. Now the aging ex-Beatle sports a world-class mullet and tours with a pickup band of kids, playing the songs that made the guys who fucked him richer than anyone can imagine, hawking autographs and trumpeting a "busy lifestyle, undertaking a variety of celebrity duties." This show is for the true aficionado of quasi-celebrity voyeurism. The rest of us are hereby given notice: There is no such thing as a merciful god. Maxwell's 1039 Washington St. (11th St.), Hoboken, 201-653-1703, 7 & 10, $20.

Monday July 5

Manumission Day

July 5, or Manumission Day, usually passes pretty quietly in the wake of July 4. But this year, St. Augustine's Episcopal Church is making the day a little noisier with a parade through the Lower East Side. Slavery was officially abolished in New York State on July 4, 1827, but the newly emancipated were asked to hold their celebrations until Independence Day was over. The 10-block march will be followed with an afternoon exhibition of shackles, iron collars and other relics of slavery. 290 Henry St. (betw. Montgomery & Jackson Sts.), 212-673-5300, 10:30 a.m., sugg. don. $5.

Hiphop Game Show

Imagine that in the middle of an episode of Jeopardy, one of the Midwestern nerd contestants hits the "Daily Double" by answering, "What is 'spitting a dope rhyme,' Alex?" Then everything goes boom boom bap, and the contestant's microphone's afire with hiphop. The closest approximation to that fever dream is the monthly hiphop gameshow night held at Sin Sin. A live band lays down old-school grooves and MCs spin a wheel of topics and do battle. Rhymes are spontaneously composed. Sorry, no consolation prizes for weak-ass MCs. 248 E. 5th St. (2nd Ave.), 212-253-2222, 10, $5.

Tuesday July 6

trampoline hall Lecture Series

Being on the receiving end of a lecture can be unpleasant. Especially when the pompous lecturer clearly doesn't know anything about their subject. The architects of the ongoing Trampoline Hall Lecture series have decided to drop the conceit and just admit, nay, brag that their speakers have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Previous non-experts have expounded on how to make kung fu films and emigrate to Canada. Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St. (Stanton St.), 212-253-7246, 8, $7.