Playing the Blame the "Tiger Mom" Game

Upper East Side mothers don't cop to own parenting imperfections By [Lorraine Duffy Merkl] "People are not that honest about their own parenting." So said Amy Chua in her New York Times interview about the visceral reaction many have had to her parenting memoir, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. (BTW: Most of those weighing in begin their tirades with, "I haven't read the book but...") For me, her "honesty" statement rang true; especially in New York where one-upmanship and brinkmanship are so pervasive that I'm surprised a course in "Mastering The Art Of" is not offered at the Learning Annex. In 16 years as a Manhattan mom, I have suffered listening to parents who, with a straight face, insist their children never talk back, disobey or do anything wrong. They start every sentence with, "My child would never" as well as addressing their misbehaving kid with, "I don't know what's gotten into you today," in an effort to convince all within earshot that this way of acting isn't the norm. People like this never cop to raising their voices to their children, pretend that they and their pre-teen daughters never throw down on what constitutes a tasteful outfit or admit that their teenage sons will only clean their rooms at gunpoint. WARNING: Any attempt at candor on your part to make them comfortable enough to share any real issues will only give them a platform to assert superiority. Like an Eyewitness News reporter, these mothers broadcast the play-by-play of another's parenting gone awry, distancing themselves from any association with the actions in question. I once heard someone sniff, "That woman over there has no control over her child." The headshake that went with the comment immediately let everyone around know that she was in control. These mothers sound remarkably like the Tiger Mom that they criticize, claiming immediate compliance from their children that results in general excellence. The difference is that they want you to believe it comes from positive re-enforcement, not from any aggressiveness on the mother's part, except for an occasional gentle reminder. Their horrified reaction to Amy Chua reminds me of the uproar several years ago over the phone message Alec Baldwin left for his daughter. No one dared show the least amount of compassion for this stressed-out man who'd been raked over the coals by divorce, because they might be faced with the snide accusation, "Oh, so I guess that must be the way you talk to your child, that's why you're defending him." Chua was subjected to worse at a dinner party when she mentioned that she called her daughter a name after the girl answered her disrespectfully. One overdramatic female guest was so offended, she bolted in tears, leaving the hostess and remaining invitees to do an impromptu intervention by ganging up on Chua and giving her what for. What offends me is that we all know that this group would change its collective sanctimonious tune the minute Caroline Kennedy or some other high profile New York mom announced that, like Chua, she too was a Tiger Mother - complete with name calling and threats of stuffed animal burning. Everyone who pegs the author as a monster would try to top one another over how many toys they've thrown down the incinerator. Hence I refuse to work myself up into a lather over whether extreme parenting is right or wrong. It will have its moment (for better or worse), then we will move on to its inevitable how-to-raise-kids replacement. Maybe spanking will make a comeback.   Lorraine Duffy Merkl's debut novel Fat Chick, from The Vineyard Press, is available at amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.