PRESSED FOR TIME

Whether you’re looking for a dead man, a musical genius or just a guy who’ll get naked and dance for you, this is the week when you’ll find him. Between a commemoration of celebrity corpse Roberto Bolaño and a night of boylesque on the Bowery, there’s no way you’ll make it through this week without catching something gnarly.

Shocks & Cocks All Nude, All Dude Revue Nov. 14, Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. Bleecker & E. Houston Sts.), 866- 811-4111; 11, $12. Forget about waiting for Burlesque—Jonny Porkpie’s Bad Ideas is back and 100-percent beefcake. Enjoy the lengthy talents of boylesque sensations Go-Go Harder and Tigger! as they entice you with the tri-tassel twirl. Show up early for a complete night of full frontal sausage love with Sweet & Nasty at 10. Bottom Line: Cheaper than a strip club and still kind of “arsty,” this is your chance to publicly ogle dong without feeling like a complete creep.

Zero Film Fest Opens Nov. 13, for information, visit www.zerofilmfest.com. Say goodbye to Sundance and send your cred through the roof with a festival so indie, it doesn’t even screen “indie” films. Since you’ve probably never heard of it, Zero Film Fest is for selffinanced, “authentically independent” films only. It’s a sad state of affairs when a serious (and seriously good) film festival has to go out of its way to qualify itself like this. Thanks a lot, Juno. Bottom Line: Despite the PBR sponsorship, these films and filmmakers keep it real.

James Chance and The Contortions Nov. 13, (Le) Poisson Rouge, 158 Bleecker St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-228-4854; 7, $17.

Sure, you’ve worn out your copy of No New York, but you’ve probably never seen James Chance play with the original Contortions line-up… unless you’re old, in which case you probably don’t really remember it anyway. Tonight, enjoy “Contort Yourself” the way it was meant to be enjoyed. Bottom Line: Not only is this important, but it’s early… see the music that made the shit you listen to today possible and still make it to The Woods in time for tequila and tacos with your musically illiterate friends.

Roberto Bolaño and the Writers He Admired Nov. 10, Symphony Space, 2537 Broadway (at W. 95th St.), 212-864- 5400; 7, $27.

Get inside a dead guy’s head with this night of stories by a critically acclaimed Chilean novelist and poet. Trace the tenuous connection between his work and that of his many varied muses, including Cortazar, Borges and some New Yorker pieces. Bottom Line: Get even more edgy than your sexy Chilean miner Halloween costume with this literary-inspiration game of connect-the-dots. UglyRhino: A Micro-Season Through Nov. 21, Brooklyn Lyceum, 227 4th Ave. (at President St.), Brooklyn, 718-857- 4816; $5-18. If indecisiveness is your forte, head to the Brooklyn Lyceum to get your fix. This nearly two-week long extravaganza of music, theater and visual art (centered around two absurdist plays, Harold Pinter’s Celebration and Eugene Ionesco’s Rhinoceros) offers loads of choices every night, so you can check your fear of commitment at the door. Bottom Line: Tickets drop down to $5 when you go a second time, in case you’re having second thoughts about which night to go, or just want to up your chances of receiving the free food available on select nights.